Your mother thinks I touched her breast? That is so sick!
It's what she thinks. What can I say? Sweet dreams.
"Sweet dreams". I'll dream about fucking your mother. "Sweet dreams."
S1 E8Beloved Aunt
Do me a favor. Let me take care of the sunglasses.
The sunglasses?
Give them to me, let me take care of them.
You want me to give a gift now?
You gave it to her.
After this "entertaining" evening?
C'mon, you gave it to her.
I don't think so. No.
That's called "Indian giving".
Yes, I know what it's called. It's a very racist term but I'm okay with that.
CCraig
Hi, Larry!
Hey, buddy! Hey, thanks for ratting me out to Becky, really appreciated it.
CCraig
I did not rat you out.
You told her everything we talked about. And I told you not to say anything.
CCraig
Well, that's your problem.
What a jerk.
CCraig
Oh, I'm a jerk? Is that right? [starts to roll up sleeves]
Oh boy, oh boy. What are you going to do beat me up?
CCraig
Maybe I will.
Go ahead! Take a shot!
S1 E9Affirmative Action
Dr. Grambs, this is my friend, Larry David.
Hi, how you doing?
He's my dermatologist.
Really?
Yeah, for what, fifteen years already?
Even with the whole affirmative action thing?
Why don't we just call your doctor?
You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
What?
Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
You called up and that's what it said?
Yeah.
That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
OK, OK.
[imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Larry...
"This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Larry, please. I'm begging you.
"Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"
[after figuring out the navigation system for his car]
I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Can we turn on the radio?
Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Please.
"Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"
S1 E10The Group
[Larry has been forced to go to an incest survivor group as support for his ex-girlfriend]:
My name is Todd, and I'm an incest survivor.
ISIncest Survivor Group
Hi, Todd.
Hello, I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath--I don't even know what they do, but I know they're doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.
S2 E1The Car Salesman
[Larry and Cheryl spot a window with the view of the beach in their new house]
Oh my God, is that the ocean?
Eh, you get used to that in two days.
BBarbara
You know, this morning, you're gonna love this, I saw a whale breach. I've never seen that here before, it's very rare!
Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?
BBarbara
What?
Because I like to have blubber for breakfast.
CCustomer
I heard that these SUVs, that they sometimes roll over rather easily.
Roll over? Are you kidding? Look at this thing. Look at it.
[starts rocking the SUV causing the alarm to go off]
CCustomer
Jesus Christ.
DDana
I notice this is a GT and the brochure says there's a model called the GTS. Now what is the difference between the GT and the GTS?
OK, the GTS is "guaranteed tremendous safety."
DDana
So, without the "S," it's just "guaranteed tremendous"?
You just cost me a customer!
I cost you a customer?! What are you, fucking Willy Loman?!
S2 E2Thor
TThor
Hey, Jabroni, open the window.
I'm awfully sorry.
TThor
I didn't ask your opinion. I've got three kids in there scared to death because some bald-headed turd is shooting at them.
No, sir, we were playing Cowboys and Indians.
TThor
Have you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence.
No, I'm not a violent...
TThor
Shut up! You know what you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will body-slam you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. You hear me?
Yes, sir.
TThor
Don't you ever, ever, EVER point another finger at my kids again because if you do, I will break it off, and shove it up your sphincter. You hear me?
Yes, sir.
Remember earlier today you said that you owed me one?
Yeah, I owe you big.
I need to take you up on it.
Wow, okay, what?
Like, now, like, quickly.
Right now.
Yeah.
What?
I actually have a rather bizarre request.
What?
I want you to go outside, there's a station wagon out there.
What?
I want you to let the air out of somebody's tires. It says "14 THOR" on the license plate. It's a red station wagon, it's in front, you can't miss it.
"14 THOR," but why?
You said you owed me one.
All right, yeah, sure.
But you have to do it now, hurry up.
All right, you'll be here, right?
I'll be here, yeah. Thank you.
Hey, guys.
TSThor's Kid 1
Hey.
TSThor's Kid 2
Hey.
Hey, how you doing?
TSThor's Kid 2
Good, you?
Good, hey, listen, your dad's that wrestler, isn't he?
TSThor's Kid 1
Yep.
TSThor's Kid 2
Thor.
Larry Thor, yeah, yeah.
TSThor's Kid 2
Big tall guy.
Well, listen, I got a little piece of information for you that might interest you. Wrestling's fixed.
TSThor's Kid 1
What do you mean?
All the matches are set up beforehand. The winners are all pre-determined. It's completely illegitimate.
TSThor's Kid 2
You mean it's fake?
Exactly: Fake. That's exactly the word I'm looking for. Dad's kind of a big fake. You know what he is? He's more of an actor than a wrestler.
TSThor's kid 1
Dad's an actor?
That's right. The whole thing's a big phony boloney. Everybody knows that. Nobody thinks it's real. Hey, you tell him the bald turd said hello, okay?
S2 E3Trick or Treat
I'm sorry I was late. I just couldn't decide what to wear.
It seems silly to me to put a napkin on an old pair of pants.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Curb Your Enthusiasm pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.