Al Robbins quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Al Robbins

It could be a hallucinogen, in some native cultures shamans use peyote to call forth visions.

Grissom

Al, when someone sells love potions and magic spells, the only visions they see are dollar signs.

Al Robbins

Well tox detected methamphetamine, sildenafil and oxycodone.

Catherine

Stimulant, erection, and a painkiller, party in a pill.

Al Robbins

Where was that on my wedding night?

Doc Robbins

Gil, have you ever been even close to getting married?

Grissom

Once, when I was younger. Her name was Nicole Daley. I asked her to marry me. We were classmates. She liked bugs too. I gave her my grandmother's ring, but my mother made me get it back. [Doc Robbins nods] Second grade.

Al Robbins

I reviewed that, uh, Jane Doe autopsy from '75.

That was fast.

Al Robbins

Well I'm sure the original examination was too. M.E. was a hack named Sam Bernard. He, uh, retired a little while after I started. Once saw him do a Y with a scalpel in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

Take it he wasn't known for his, uh, rigorous analysis.

Al Robbins

He was known for liking hot dogs.

Brass

So the guy took an arrow through the throat and it prolonged his life?

Dr. Robbins

Apparently.

Catherine

And what are the odds of it not hitting any major artery?

Dr. Robbins

Whatever comes right before zero.

Catherine

Such a scary thing, sending your kid off to college.

Doc Robbins

Is Lindsey looking already?

Catherine

Yeah. In fact, we looked at WLVU last month.

Doc Robbins

Well, at least she'd be close to home.

Catherine

She's free on campus, may as well be a thousand miles away.

Dr. Al Robbins

You know, David, our job is never easy, but this is a colleague. If your emotions are too raw and you feel you need to excuse yourself...

David

[Touching a frozen body which causes a crunching sound] Look! [touches dead body again] He's crunchy.

David

Hey Doc.

Doc Robbins

Hey.

David

I heard your band killed last night.

Doc Robbins

Really? Who'd you hear that from?

David

My wife's second cousin. Works in the mayor's office for the budget and finance director. He was at the country club. Grooved to your moldy oldies all night.

Doc Robbins

They're classics.

Catherine

You going to be okay with this one?

Doc Robbins

I'm just not used to seeing them alive.

Doc Robbins

(looking at the dead deer with a tutu on) Doe. A deer. A female deer...

David

It's not funny.

Doc Robbins

It's a little funny. (starts taking pictures)

David

Doc, I already took photos.

Doc Robbins

Not for my scrap book, 'ya didn't.

David

This is animal abuse.

Doc Robbins

The killing? Sure. The dress? Pet owners put sweaters on chihuahuas.

Doc Robbins

Together in death, as they were in life.

David

Guy abuses wildlife, then bursts into flames. I call it karma.

Doc Robbins

No physical signs that their relationship was anything other than platonic.

David

I mean, we're the ones encroaching on their habitat, you don't see them shooting us.

Doc Robbins

Consider this justice for Bambi's mother.

Grissom

Then the rubber chicken was inserted port-mortem.

Dr. Robbins

And thus not the cause of death.

Grissom

Might have been a gag. Sorry.

Doc Robbins

[upon seeing Riley shine a UV light over her teeth] Well, I always thought it was cool that teeth fluoresced but veneers didn't. How'd you get them?

Riley

Somebody bet me that I couldn't jump into a lake with a rope swing in my mouth.

Doc Robbins

And that pulled the teeth out?

Riley

No, but it sure did hurt my neck. On the way home I hit a fire hydrant.

Doc Robbins

And you bumped the steering wheel with your mouth?

Riley

No, I was on my bike at the time. I flew over the hydrant and crashed into the cross bar of a chain link fence.

Doc Robbins

With your mouth?

Riley

My shoulder, broke my clavicle.

Doc Robbins

Okay then, how'd you lose the teeth?

Riley

[points to each tooth] This one was a root canal. This one a post and a crown. And this one I uh, I was in college, I woke up one morning and it was gone. I don't know what happened to it.

Catherine

You're a doctor, is that normal?

Robbins

Grissom being socially awkward? Yeah, that's normal.

Grissom

(about the victim) Attractive girl, on drugs, on the street, with an ex-con, and no I.D.

Doc Robbins

Sounds like a street hooker.

Grissom

Yeah. But not someone who pays for plastic surgery.

Doc Robbins

Ah, well, maybe it's a business investment, courtesy of her pimp.