Al Robbins quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Sara

Diane Lambart lived two hours away. If she drove into Vegas with the intention of using it as a murder weapon. I'd imagine she'd be pretty stressed.

Dr. Robbins

Kamikaze Grandma.

Grissom

Albert. Got a minute?

Doc Robbins

Sure. What's up?

Grissom

I'd like a second opinion.

Doc Robbins

I wish you had come to me sooner. The condition is pretty far along. Why'd you wait?

Grissom

[sighs] I hoped it would go away.

Doc Robbins

Doesn't your mother have this condition?

Grissom

Yeah. It's hereditary. I know I wasn't rational.

Doc Robbins

Look, Gil. I'm not gonna preach to you, you came to me. But Doctor to Doctor there's a chance the bone deposits have spread into the inner ear. In which case your hearing loss will eventually be permanent. If I were you, I'd schedule surgery as soon as possible.

Doc Robbins

Dismembering an adult male with this much precision and without cutting through the bone. 12 hours minimum.

Catherine

Half of a day. That's patience.

Doc Robbins

The, uh, patella was cleanly removed. And with one slice, the femur was separated from the tibia and the fibula. There's a perverse elegance to this butchery.

Catherine

Well, I'm not so sure I see it that way. A killer with knowledge of anatomy whose tool is a scalpel. I think that the butcher was a doctor.

Doc Robbins

Urine... you're out.

Catherine

Home pregnancy test, huh?

Doc Robbins

It's about 10 times cheaper than the brand sold by our medicial supply company. But just as accurate.

Catherine

Eye on the bottom line. I find that very---

Doc Robbins

Sexy?

Catherine

Prudent. But that was a good try.

Doc Robbins

Ah, plus sign. You know what that means.

Catherine

Who's yo daddy?

Doc Robbins

Well, the race isn't the only reason these guys come to town. It's a good party.

Grissom

Too much running, too much partying?

Doc Robbins

L.A. S-E-S. They go all out.

Grissom

Work hard, play hard, die young, leave a good-looking corpse.

Warrick

They used to tell me back in the day that if you were caught cheating you'd get a couple whacks on the hand with a ball peen hammer.

Doc Robbins

Ow.

Warrick

Second time you got caught you'd lose a limb.

Doc Robbins

Third time?

Warrick

A long walk in the desert with a shovel.

Al Robbins

The only other thing I found, was a swollen ankle.

Catherine Willows

Well, ever try shaking your ass in four-inch heels? (Robbins looks at her) Don't answer that.

Grissom

If you're gonna be sick, Greg, do it in the sink.

Doc Robbins

Not in the drain pan.

Greg

I don't feel sick.

Doc Robbins

Cardiopulmonary arrest.

Grissom

Time of death?

Doc Robbins

That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8:00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.

Grissom

Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.

Doc Robbins

Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.

Doc Robbins

I found ten cc's of urine in her stomach. Digestive system is intact and I found no bruises or abrasions in her mouth. So there's only one way it could've gotten there.

Catherine

Chug-a-lug.

Robbins

Piano wires. They're used to mobilize the lower part of the abdominal skin and anchor the neo-vagina, so it can heal in place.

Catherine

I can only imagine those cramps.

Robbins

The surgeon stuffs the portal with a cylinder wrapped in gauze to hold its shape while it heals, and sutures it.

Catherine

And how long does milady have to wear a wire?

Robbins

Well, after five days, the vagina is un-sutured, and the wires are removed.

Brass

Hey Doc, did you get my fax?

Al Robbins

Yeah I did.

Brass

Yeah, well, it's all Greek to me. Can you help me out?

Al Robbins

Sure, of course, but I thought you were asked to come home.

Brass

I'll be home tomorrow.

Al Robbins

Well, I hope she was worth it.

Brass

What do you mean?

Al Robbins

Well I don't know, you put your career on the line, I assume there's a woman involved.

Brass

What are you a detective now?

Robbins

It reminded me of that scene of Jaws when Dreyfuss cuts open the sharks stomach and all kinds of stuff came out.

Grissom

You found a license plate?

Grissom

Pica?

Robbins

Boo?

Grissom

Pica is a compulsion to eat non-nutritive food items. It's from the Latin word for magpie, a bird with a large and indiscriminate appetite.

Sara

Hey doc.

Al Robbins

Two dead bodies, both were in perfect health.

Sara

I am so hoping you have more in the report than that.

Al Robbins

Well there are two toxins that can turn a body pink post mortem.

Sara

We already ruled out carbon monoxide.

Al Robbins

Which leaves one, cyanide ingestion. Interesting fact about cyanide, not all everyone can smell it.

Sara

Right, it's a genetic quirk.

Al Robbins

Unfortunately, I don't have that ability.

Hodges

The nose has arrived.

Robbins

You know, Gil, we're all intrigued by our nightmares when we watch freak shows, but basically we're all thinking the same thing.

Grissom

Yeah, I'm glad they're not looking at me.