Greg Sanders quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Greg

It's hard to get a hair into his throat without intimate contact. But I guess you're never too old. Especially with the blue pill. In fact, I know guys my age who are using it. Guys who you know, need the boost. Other guys.

Greg

I have the motive for murder. Queue the banjo music.

Greg

I've got to warn you, oral swabs don't always read right. Vaginal swabs? No problem. Anal swabs? Money.

Nick

Anal swabs?

Greg

Anal swabs.

Greg

What's Grissom doing?

Warrick

He's trying to find a missing boat.

Greg

And let me guess, Catherine got bored?

Warrick

Well you know Grissom, the shortest distance between two points is science. For Catherine, it's pounding the pavement.

Greg

So, how many grains of sand in the ocean, huh?

Nick

I don't care about the ocean, just the sand in my skeleton. Can you pinpoint a beach?

Greg

I don't know. I might have to do some field research to find out. You think Grissom would let me go to Hawaii? (Nick sees Grissom in the doorway)

Nick

(to Greg) Why don't you ask him yourself?

Grissom

Ask me what?

Greg

Oh, nothing. I, uh ... I was just telling Nick about your sand. Well, it's not sand. It's not natural anyway. Here, check this out. (Grissom looks through the mircoscope at the sand) Now, if this were natural sand, the surface would be smooth. This looks more like Fremont Street on a Saturday night... rough.

Nick

Could the particles be sediment from the concrete where we found her?

Greg

No. No way. I analyzed the mineral content. It's feldspar and quartz. That's crushed gray sandstone. It's man-made, in a rock crusher.

Nick

What does that mean?

Grissom

It means she wasn't killed in Hawaii. (Greg freezes when he realized Grissom heard him before) Other than that, he has no idea. (Nick laughs)

Greg

So, the French Palace, huh?

Catherine

Yup.

Greg

You know, my friends and I used to go there. Payday Fridays.

Catherine

Uh-huh.

Greg

Maybe I saw you perform?

Catherine

(sighs) Oh, I doubt it.

Greg

Why?

Catherine'

You would've remembered. (Greg looks absolutely stunned)

Greg

So, what's the pot up to?

Nick

We don't bet on cases.

Greg

Ah, of course you don't...So who's winning?

I am.

Greg

Fiends.

Greg

'[about Kristy's shirt] Now, I've done this procedure on jeans and leather jackets but never on something like this. It's very see through. Very Jennifer Lopez.

Nick

Down boy.

Greg

It's going to be a tough one to prove. This is only step one. You see, when a person talks saliva naturally comes out of their mouth. Let's say that we're tossing the hog back and forth, right? [as he talks the camera makes note of the saliva that comes out of his mouth naturally in illustration of what he just said] What can you tell me about the hottie that goes inside this blouse, huh? Is it true she's a friend of yours?

Nick

What, is it on the internet?

Greg

Might as well be. Just remember that. My saliva is getting on you, your saliva is getting on me.

Nick

Gross. [Greg grabs a spray pump and sprays it on the paper] What's that stuff?

Greg

Starch and iodine. If this is saliva, we're going to get the old dalmatian effect. So, Nick, uh, if I wanted to meet this friend of yours...?

Nick

No.

Greg

Figured. [Greg sprays the paper] That's a pretty big spot. That's more than just a spray. In fact, looks like a distinct glob of spit.

Nick

Then Kristy was telling the truth. But it doesn't mean it was the security guard's spit.

Greg

Step three.

Nick

I'm going to need a sample.

Greg

Well, the guy knows he did it. He's not going to cough it up.

Nick

If you saw the girl that went with this blouse...you'd try.

Catherine

You want to take that thing off your head, Greg? It's evidence.

Greg

Cool your jets, Cath. I already got all the evidence out of it. Now, it's all woman. Did you ever wear one of these when you were dancing?

Catherine

I wore nothing but skin.

Greg

Ooh.(standing behind Greg is Grissom. Catherine sees Grissom and clears her throat. Greg turns around and finds himself face to face with Grissom. He takes the headpiece off of his head and reports) I, uh, compared the DNA from the tooth with hair follicles found inside the headdress. I think we have a match, sir. And I think we may have a homicide. Excuse me. (Greg steps back into his lab. Catherine suppresses a grin and looks at Grissom)

Sara

(Sara's mad after getting called into work on her day off) What am I? Working food and beverage at one of the hotels? I haven't had a day off in three weeks. I mean if they're gonna call me in at least throw me a bone. Gimme the 419 on the elevator.

Nick

Someone's bitter.

Sara

I'm tired!

Nick

You? Tired? I thought you never sleep. (Sara fakes a yawn, Nick chuckles) Nice, nice. (they walk into DNA and Greg's blasting music)

Nick

What up, G?

Sara

You're awake. I hate you.

Greg

Couple glasses of Merlot, a rack of lamb on my day off. I slept like a baby yesterday. You look horrible.

Sara

Thanks, Greg. (Greg looks at Nick)

Nick

Don't look at me. I got 'sunshine' all night. (Nick glances over at Sara who glares back at him, definitely catching exactly who he's calling "sunshine") Check for DNA in the sexual assault kit and the fingernail, please.

Sara

Everything has to be in CODIS ASAP.

Greg

Oh, is that all? I want to know who's going to authorize my overtime?

Sara

Suck it up, Greg. You're well-rested. (walks away)

Greg

(to Nick) You want a valium for her?

Sara

I heard that!

Grissom

Have you got the DNA results from the fingernail Catherine found?

Greg

Yeah. They're not a match to Patrick Haynes.

Grissom

I never figured a man for the fingernail, Greg.

Greg

But this is where you break out the can of creep repellent. Half of the DNA markers are in common.

Grissom

A possible first degree relative?

Sara

No, I can't drink any more coffee. My body clock is so screwed up. I just want a steak and a shot.

Nick

Tut's Tomb, steak and eggs $1.99.

Sara

Food?

Nick

Mmhmm.

Sara

Good idea. You're on.

Greg

(runs in the room) It's what I live for. You guys are not gonna believe this. You ready?

Sara

So much for the steak, I'll take the coffee.

Nick

Pulled a couple of hairs off of our male stabbing vic.

Greg

Okay. Baby. Uh-huh.

Nick

What?

Greg

Nine lives.

Nick

Cat hair?

Greg

Meow.

Nick

Hey, Greg.

Greg

Shh. I might be looking at the mother of my children here.

Nick

Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.

Greg

No, this is serious. I had a date last night. And this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just, BAM. Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent. And she smells so good.

Nick

Cute toes?

Greg

Oh, ideal. And none longer than the big toe. Both feet. But you know I need to know what is on the inside.

Nick

What's in her heart?

Greg

No, her DNA. This girl has got some fine epithelials.

Nick

Dude, you're sick. Man, you have officially lost it.

Greg

There's a guy in Louisville, he charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.

Nick

Whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee? Letting the relationship evolve. Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.

Greg

Oh that's boring.

Greg

I am the man.

Warrick

Why, what'd you do? Let me guess, you ran a DNA profile on the blood from the dead guy's knuckles and you got a match?

Greg

No.

Grissom

You ran a DNA profile and something very distinctive popped up?

Greg

Not quite.

Warrick

You made it out of bed and you dressed yourself?

Greg

...no.