Patrick Maitland quotes from Coupling

Patrick

[On the phone to Jeff] We have our advisors online.

Steve

[Pointing at Susan and Sally] That's you two.

Susan

This is ridiculous! Why does he need us to translate for him? Women aren't a completely different species, you know.

Patrick

[On the phone] Jeff, women AREN'T a completely different species.

Steve

He just needs to find out if it's a friendly drink or a date drink. He'll do friendly but he won't do date.

Sally

Why doesn't he know already?

Steve

Because he is Jeff, and there's no known cure.

Susan

Need any help translating THAT one?

Sally

These are my ovaries

Susan

Please come inside.

Patrick

[On the phone to Jeff] Careful, Jeff, she's packin' ovaries!

Susan

Have you phoned Sally yet?

Patrick

No.

Susan

Well phone her soon, Patrick. Or, no offence, I'll rip your throat out.

Patrick

Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved, the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic...ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right.

Sally

I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly-Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid arse. I want you.

Patrick

For God's sakes, Sally.

Sally

What? What?!

Patrick

I was talking about me!

Sally

I'm sor— You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever?

Patrick

[Gesturing to self] Well, yes!

Sally

Look, when I said have a baby... I didn't mean, I just meant... socially!

Patrick

Socially?

Sally

To tea.

Patrick

Babies can't come round to tea, Sally. They're rubbish.

Susan

Don't say that!

Steve

Hormones!

Susan

Bollocks!

Patrick

Doesn't this all seem a little early?

Sally

Of course it's early, it's far too early! I don't want a baby yet! You gotta get a cat first, see if you're maternal.

Steve

You've already got a cat.

Sally

Well, I'll shave it! See if I still like it!

Steve

You went out and pulled a pregnant woman. What were you thinking?

Patrick

Oh, you know, "there's a nice, compact pregnancy, let's take it out for a spin."

Sally

She had a baby inside her, you insane filth!

Oliver

Do you know how long it's been since I've had sex?

Patrick

Two years.

Oliver

[A little affronted] Seven months.

Steve

Right, the question of pain relief.

Patrick

Yes

Oliver

Absolutely.

Steve

Sorted.

Oliver

So how are we supposed to pad this out?

Steve

[Looks over at Susan] I suppose we could discuss the different methods.

Patrick

Drugs.

Oliver

Yeah, drugs.

Steve

Sorted.

Sally

Did you sleep with Jane?

Patrick

All right, before I say anything that might inadvertently seem to confirm or deny that fact, yes I did. [Quickly realising what he has just said] Damn it!