A character in Cougar Town
Played by Courteney Cox
Cougar Town · 82 quotes
Most-quoted character in Cougar Town: in 51 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Ellie Torres (21), Grayson Ellis (14), Travis Cobb (12)
JulesShe acts like she's so much smarter than me. Smarter than I. Which is it?
It's smarter than-
JulesDon't answer that! I mean, I know you went to Harvard and everything, but really, no one cares.
I didn't go to Harvard.
JulesWell in my head, you did. You were also captain of the crew team.
This is a weird day.
JulesWhat should we do today?
I don't know. We could read magazines, or look at shoes online. Just gossip?
JulesYou know, we both only like sex between that small window of three and three forty-five. Should we do that?
Today let's just kiss without it having to lead anywhere.
JulesI love being married to you!
I know, I'm so glad we killed Andy and buried him in the backyard.
JulesOh, baby! [Starts to kiss her, Andy comes in dirty and carrying a pickaxe, Jules and Ellie scream]
Did you really think you could get away with it? DID YA? [Swings the axe; Ellie wakes up]
[To sleeping Andy] You ruin everything!
Mom, I'm gonna be home late tonight.
JulesBe home by midnight. And remember my rule, don't wake me up when you come in.
Solid parenting, as always.
JulesWell, I'm a better mom asleep.
JulesI want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.
Sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.
JulesI'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.
See, that's not a great out loud thought
JulesOh my god, that bag is soaked with grease. I'm telling you right now, i don't care what's in it, I'm eating it.
It's a human head.
JulesIf it's deep fried, I'm still in.
JulesLaurie, we all have our embarrassing family members.
[Walks in] Yello! That wasn't a coincidence, I was outside waiting for an entrance line.
JulesYou two made up?
Not yet, but we will. [To Andy] Dummy.
Witch.
Anybody want wine?
Always.
JulesWhat's happening?
I don't know, but I never know.
Jules is wigged out by our fight because she doesn't know what it's like to be in a good, healthy marriage.
JulesWell, yes I do.
[Whispers] No you don't.
JulesI really don't.
What, we're gonna throw our marriage away because I missed a baby dance recital? Stan's one. I bet he didn't even move.
He peed himself and I fell asleep. Jules, when a marriage really works, tiny bumps in the road don't matter. You don't have to be scared because there's never any real jeopardy.
Like a built-in safety net because we love each other so much. [They kiss]
JulesI'm gonna cry.
I'm not cause my eyes are so tiny. That's right, I'm owning it.
Jules, at our age, we are who we are. There's no more changing.
JulesWell that sucks. Then how am I going to have my antiques shop in Paris?
Well, that's easy. You're not.
JulesYou just lost your discount!
When your mom and I were married, I cheated on her.
What? No! Wait. What? Let me pick something off the floor, my jaw.
You know?
JulesEveryone knows. The guy at the pizza place would say two medium pepperonis and you deserve better.
I figured it out when you gave me a lollipop not to tell Mom when you were taking a bath with a Native American.
JulesHow are you gonna decide between these two colleges? One's known as the jewel of central southwest Florida, and one's in a state where people lean out of their car window and shoot you in the face.
Subtle. You really think you can pull this off?
JulesMaybe. I'm like the third smartest one here.
What number am I?
Sixth.
This is my decision, so I'm just gonna make it myself. (Jules gives him a long hug) Let's not get weird.
JulesIf I could, I'd have them shrink me down so small I could live in your blood.
She's gonna let him make his own decision, right?
Now you're eighth.
JulesWould you rather be with someone emotionally stable or someone who, on game night, carves "die, bitch" in the kitchen table because you think he sucks at Jenga?
There are positives and negatives to both.
JulesThere really aren't.
I know. And I am sorry about the table.
JulesIt's okay. I added a T so now it says "diet, bitch." It's actually pretty motivating.
Come on, don't you guys want to get inside each other?
That's what she said! Oh!
So lame.
JulesWhy won't that joke ever go away?
We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is!
Good luck, sister, it's not that easy.
It's never hard for me!
JulesThat's what he said!
I don't like this.
JulesDrinking keeps women skinny!
Oh my god!
This is bigger than curing cancer.
JulesAltogether now, if it's on the internet...
It must be true!
JulesEverybody, sip.
Good afternoon, booze bags. What are we celebrating today?
JulesScience!
JulesGrayson and I are like pools - we're still just sticking our toes in each other. Grossest thing I ever said.
I'm gonna go throw up.
[after sex] That was amazing.
JulesMakes me almost not mind sleeping here. [Grayson pulls a cord and balloons rain down as the Grayson remix plays]
Happy one millionth customer!!
JulesYou think you're funny, don't you? I'm never sleeping here again!
Oh, well then I better get my money's worth! [Puts a wool hat on]
JulesOh, God.
Huh, dawg? I look pretty cool, right, dawg? Oh, you can frown all you want, but you're not going anywhere. I hid all your clothes.
JulesOh God. [Kisses him]
[Popping a balloon] Happy one millionth customer!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cougar Town pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
