Bobby Cobb quotes from Cougar Town

Bobby

[to Andy] I put you in beer can jail for partying too hard.

Jules

Alright, the bet starts now. [Bobby comes in]

Bobby

Hey, J-bird!

Grayson

Wow, point five seconds. I just won twenty dollars.

Bobby

Sounds like I was involved. Wanna go splitskies?

Jules

Wow. You see the opportunity to make money and just jump, don't you?

Bobby

GAC.

Jules

What does that mean?

Travis

G-A-C. Guilty as charged. I taught him that. I regret it.

Bobby

It's not a bad thing that sometimes I hook up with women for food.

Grayson

It's not my fault every twenty-four-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name is exotic.

Bobby

Still, we both know it's not forever.

Grayson

Hello, no.

Bobby

Someday I'm gonna find me a real woman. Someone who looks after me.

Grayson

I'd like to find someone who gets me out of my shell.

Bobby

I don't want to end up alone.

Grayson

That would kill me.

Bobby

Whoa! Getting deep alert.

Grayson

Whew!

Andy

Permission to speak?

Bobby

Proceed.

Andy

Do you think the woman you're looking for is even out there?

Bobby

Definitely.

Grayson

Definitely.

Bobby

When I was married, you know what Jules often said to me?

Grayson

Please stop sleeping with other women?

Bobby

You know how old I was the first time I got really drunk?

Travis

I dunno, nine?

Bobby

Trick question. Never been really drunk. I have got a monster tolerance. The point is...

Travis

No dad, there is no point to that story.

Bobby

Okay, the completely new thought is...

Bobby

You still grouchy about my alleged tab?

Grayson

[Pulls back the beer he was about to serve Bobby and pours it down the drain] Oh, headfake. Goodbye delicious beer!

Bobby

That's hateful.

Ellie

I felt bad about you getting mugged, so I bought you some stuff. A rape whistle to help protect you from other scary lady muggers, some of that yogurt that helps old gals poop-

Andy

That stuff really works. Like, BOOM!

Ellie

And some tampons.

Bobby

Awesome! [To Grayson] Hey if I put these in the machine in the ladies' room, can I get some nachos?

Ellie

How are you not embarrassed?

Bobby

Sorry, Ellie. Can't be done.

Andy

You're talking to a guy whose main goal in life is to party so hard he literally craps his pants in every country.

Bobby

I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Jules

Laurie, we all have our embarrassing family members.

Bobby

[Walks in] Yello! That wasn't a coincidence, I was outside waiting for an entrance line.

Bobby

Remember when I told you that I didn't consider you because this was a man's trip?

Travis

You kidding? I cherished that moment.

Bobby

When you were a young pup, if I had told you to stick your arm in a hole, you just would've done it. But today you said no and you bitched about it. And Travis, you bitched like a man. This may sound sappy, but I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for you to be a grown-up. I'm sorry I acted like Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Travis

It's alright. You can do the arm thing now if you want. [Bobby puts his arm around Travis]

Andy

When I'm this depressed, I need to eat.

Bobby

You know you can sometimes get free chicken in this park.

Laurie

Where?

Bobby

Donalds hiccups

Andy

Dude, no.

Bobby

It's like taking the shampoos in a hotel, they expect you to do it.

Laurie

They really don't.

Bobby

When your mom and I were married, I cheated on her.

Travis

What? No! Wait. What? Let me pick something off the floor, my jaw.

Bobby

You know?

Jules

Everyone knows. The guy at the pizza place would say two medium pepperonis and you deserve better.

Travis

I figured it out when you gave me a lollipop not to tell Mom when you were taking a bath with a Native American.

Jules

How are you gonna decide between these two colleges? One's known as the jewel of central southwest Florida, and one's in a state where people lean out of their car window and shoot you in the face.

Travis

Subtle. You really think you can pull this off?

Jules

Maybe. I'm like the third smartest one here.

Bobby

What number am I?

Ellie

Sixth.

Travis

This is my decision, so I'm just gonna make it myself. (Jules gives him a long hug) Let's not get weird.

Jules

If I could, I'd have them shrink me down so small I could live in your blood.

Bobby

She's gonna let him make his own decision, right?

Ellie

Now you're eighth.

Bobby

Nothing we can do tonight. We'll bend down here in that first light, grab some hard hats and a couple of mustaches, we'll shimmy on up there and grab it.

Travis

And why the mustaches?

Bobby

You ever seen a hard hat without a mustache under it?

Travis

Uh, no, but in my defense, I'm a sane person.

Laurie

Come on, don't you guys want to get inside each other?

Andy

That's what she said! Oh!

Laurie

So lame.

Jules

Why won't that joke ever go away?

Ellie

We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is!

Bobby

Good luck, sister, it's not that easy.

Andy

It's never hard for me!

Jules

That's what he said!

Andy

I don't like this.

Jules

I've been afraid of this moment for so long, but I know I raised such a great kid

Bobby

We raised a good kid.

Bobby

You ever looked death in the eye, Trav?

Travis

Well, now that that jar of gasoline has a flaming can of Sterno next to it, I'd have to say yes.