Travis Cobb quotes from Cougar Town

Travis

I'm about to bring Kylie in so I need you all to act like normal human beings. I know it's going to be hard but I can help. Mrs. Torres, Kylie doesn't have an eating disorder, she runs cross country, so think of a new opening question. Mr. Torres, I don't care how much you eat, let's keep our pants buttoned. Laurie, your breasts are bigger than hers. There I said it, you don't need to tell her. Neighbor guy, I see you brought your fruity little guitar, let's keep that holstered. Mom, you have multiple problem areas so when it doubt just say to yourself that's a bad idea. Dad, I think we both know it's best if you don't say anything.

Jules

[With her shirt up] Hey Trav!

Travis

Shirt down, then hey Trav

Jules

[Pulls down shirt] Hey Trav!

Travis

Too, late scarred for life

Jules

These used to feed you!

Jules

Alright, the bet starts now. [Bobby comes in]

Bobby

Hey, J-bird!

Grayson

Wow, point five seconds. I just won twenty dollars.

Bobby

Sounds like I was involved. Wanna go splitskies?

Jules

Wow. You see the opportunity to make money and just jump, don't you?

Bobby

GAC.

Jules

What does that mean?

Travis

G-A-C. Guilty as charged. I taught him that. I regret it.

Travis

Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don't answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

Grayson

You're a neat kid.

Travis

Are there really women out there that will have sex with me just because they're mad about something?

Laurie

Oh yeah, for sure.

Travis

This is very exciting news.

Laurie

You know there are also girls that will sleep with you because their friends are prettier.

Travis

This just keeps getting better.

Travis

Mom, I'm gonna be home late tonight.

Jules

Be home by midnight. And remember my rule, don't wake me up when you come in.

Travis

Solid parenting, as always.

Jules

Well, I'm a better mom asleep.

Jules

Oh my god, that bag is soaked with grease. I'm telling you right now, i don't care what's in it, I'm eating it.

Travis

It's a human head.

Jules

If it's deep fried, I'm still in.

Bobby

You know how old I was the first time I got really drunk?

Travis

I dunno, nine?

Bobby

Trick question. Never been really drunk. I have got a monster tolerance. The point is...

Travis

No dad, there is no point to that story.

Bobby

Okay, the completely new thought is...

Bobby

Remember when I told you that I didn't consider you because this was a man's trip?

Travis

You kidding? I cherished that moment.

Bobby

When you were a young pup, if I had told you to stick your arm in a hole, you just would've done it. But today you said no and you bitched about it. And Travis, you bitched like a man. This may sound sappy, but I'm not sure if I'm quite ready for you to be a grown-up. I'm sorry I acted like Elizabeth Hasselbeck.

Travis

It's alright. You can do the arm thing now if you want. [Bobby puts his arm around Travis]

Laurie

Why are you so into photography?

Travis

I feel like photos really capture our collective unconscious. Plus being pretentious really works on me.

Bobby

When your mom and I were married, I cheated on her.

Travis

What? No! Wait. What? Let me pick something off the floor, my jaw.

Bobby

You know?

Jules

Everyone knows. The guy at the pizza place would say two medium pepperonis and you deserve better.

Travis

I figured it out when you gave me a lollipop not to tell Mom when you were taking a bath with a Native American.

Jules

How are you gonna decide between these two colleges? One's known as the jewel of central southwest Florida, and one's in a state where people lean out of their car window and shoot you in the face.

Travis

Subtle. You really think you can pull this off?

Jules

Maybe. I'm like the third smartest one here.

Bobby

What number am I?

Ellie

Sixth.

Travis

This is my decision, so I'm just gonna make it myself. (Jules gives him a long hug) Let's not get weird.

Jules

If I could, I'd have them shrink me down so small I could live in your blood.

Bobby

She's gonna let him make his own decision, right?

Ellie

Now you're eighth.

Bobby

Nothing we can do tonight. We'll bend down here in that first light, grab some hard hats and a couple of mustaches, we'll shimmy on up there and grab it.

Travis

And why the mustaches?

Bobby

You ever seen a hard hat without a mustache under it?

Travis

Uh, no, but in my defense, I'm a sane person.

Jules

Drinking keeps women skinny!

Laurie

Oh my god!

Ellie

This is bigger than curing cancer.

Jules

Altogether now, if it's on the internet...

It must be true!

Jules

Everybody, sip.

Travis

Good afternoon, booze bags. What are we celebrating today?

Jules

Science!

Travis

You're kinda smothering me.

Jules

With love. It doesn't count.