Andy Torres quotes from Cougar Town

Ellie

It's your turn, best war story from your twenties.

Jules

Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.

Andy

Boo!

Jules

Oh look who got laid last night.

Andy

That's right chumps, missionary accomplished!

Grayson

The only time I ever spoke to your wife she told me she would, and I quote, pay someone to do me prison style if I didn't bring my trashcans in.

Andy

So we're cool.

Grayson

I am, but you're married to a scary person.

Bobby

It's not a bad thing that sometimes I hook up with women for food.

Grayson

It's not my fault every twenty-four-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name is exotic.

Bobby

Still, we both know it's not forever.

Grayson

Hello, no.

Bobby

Someday I'm gonna find me a real woman. Someone who looks after me.

Grayson

I'd like to find someone who gets me out of my shell.

Bobby

I don't want to end up alone.

Grayson

That would kill me.

Bobby

Whoa! Getting deep alert.

Grayson

Whew!

Andy

Permission to speak?

Bobby

Proceed.

Andy

Do you think the woman you're looking for is even out there?

Bobby

Definitely.

Grayson

Definitely.

Jules

What should we do today?

Ellie

I don't know. We could read magazines, or look at shoes online. Just gossip?

Jules

You know, we both only like sex between that small window of three and three forty-five. Should we do that?

Ellie

Today let's just kiss without it having to lead anywhere.

Jules

I love being married to you!

Ellie

I know, I'm so glad we killed Andy and buried him in the backyard.

Jules

Oh, baby! [Starts to kiss her, Andy comes in dirty and carrying a pickaxe, Jules and Ellie scream]

Andy

Did you really think you could get away with it? DID YA? [Swings the axe; Ellie wakes up]

Ellie

[To sleeping Andy] You ruin everything!

Andy

Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

Laurie

What?

Grayson

What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Laurie

Jules is your someday girl?

Grayson

A what now?

Laurie

A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It's really serious.

Grayson

Someday girl is a great title for a new song.

Bobby

You still grouchy about my alleged tab?

Grayson

[Pulls back the beer he was about to serve Bobby and pours it down the drain] Oh, headfake. Goodbye delicious beer!

Bobby

That's hateful.

Ellie

I felt bad about you getting mugged, so I bought you some stuff. A rape whistle to help protect you from other scary lady muggers, some of that yogurt that helps old gals poop-

Andy

That stuff really works. Like, BOOM!

Ellie

And some tampons.

Bobby

Awesome! [To Grayson] Hey if I put these in the machine in the ladies' room, can I get some nachos?

Ellie

How are you not embarrassed?

Bobby

Sorry, Ellie. Can't be done.

Andy

You're talking to a guy whose main goal in life is to party so hard he literally craps his pants in every country.

Bobby

I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Jules

You two made up?

Ellie

Not yet, but we will. [To Andy] Dummy.

Andy

Witch.

Ellie

Anybody want wine?

Andy

Always.

Jules

What's happening?

Grayson

I don't know, but I never know.

Ellie

Jules is wigged out by our fight because she doesn't know what it's like to be in a good, healthy marriage.

Jules

Well, yes I do.

Grayson

[Whispers] No you don't.

Jules

I really don't.

Andy

What, we're gonna throw our marriage away because I missed a baby dance recital? Stan's one. I bet he didn't even move.

Ellie

He peed himself and I fell asleep. Jules, when a marriage really works, tiny bumps in the road don't matter. You don't have to be scared because there's never any real jeopardy.

Andy

Like a built-in safety net because we love each other so much. [They kiss]

Jules

I'm gonna cry.

Grayson

I'm not cause my eyes are so tiny. That's right, I'm owning it.

Andy

When I'm this depressed, I need to eat.

Bobby

You know you can sometimes get free chicken in this park.

Laurie

Where?

Bobby

Donalds hiccups

Andy

Dude, no.

Bobby

It's like taking the shampoos in a hotel, they expect you to do it.

Laurie

They really don't.

Laurie

Come on, don't you guys want to get inside each other?

Andy

That's what she said! Oh!

Laurie

So lame.

Jules

Why won't that joke ever go away?

Ellie

We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is!

Bobby

Good luck, sister, it's not that easy.

Andy

It's never hard for me!

Jules

That's what he said!

Andy

I don't like this.

Ellie

Are you Cuban today?

Andy

I will be if you like it.

Ellie

Yeah I like it.

Andy

Being good at sex isn't something you can learn, Travis. It's something you're born with. Luckily, I've got the gift.

He really does. (Andy stares at him) My window faces your window.

Andy

Go home, Tom.

Jules

(About Travis's new girlfriend) So gang, what do we think of her?

Andy

Do you think she wears a schoche too much makeup?

Laurie

Impossible. There's no such thing.

Ellie

You look like you poured your makeup on the floor, then rolled around in it.

Laurie

Poppy, the transsexual at the makeup counter I frequent, would beg to differ.

Plus, Travis scared me. He said you always embarrass him when he brings a girl home.

Jules

Travis, I said I would never do that again.

Laurie

(Popping up from behind a chair) Hi Kristen!

What was that?

Jules

What was what?

Travis

It's starting again.

Grayson

(Popping out from behind the cabinet) Hi, Kristen!

Bobby

(Popping out from behind the couch) Hi, Kristen!

Andy

(Popping out from inside a chair) Hi, Kristen!

Ellie

Hey, Kristen.

Jules

Okay everybody, big finish.

Hi, Kristen!

(Singing) It's Kirsten, but you can call me whatever... I hate that I'm singing

Laurie

She's like a nervous little bird!

Jules

So you just brought me out here to make fun of me?

Grayson

No. I don't like sharing how I feel, especially in front of the peanut gallery. (Laurie, Ellie, and Travis wave) But I know it matters to you, so I invited them all here so they could hear me say this. You're an idiot. You're worried we're not alike enough to be together? One of my favorite things about us is how different we are. It's the couples that really work. (Points to Andy and Ellie) His favorite movie is Die Hard and she... is a horrible person.

Andy

It's Love, Actually, actually. Ooh, sequel!

Grayson

I've been scared to say this, but all those ways that you're different from me, that's why I love you. (Laurie and Ellie gasp) I love you, Jules. (They kiss)