Jules Kiki Cobb quotes from Cougar Town

Jules

This is our cul-de-sac damn it. Tonight we take back the sack! First order of business we need a new slogan.

Jules

I love my security system. It's like I live in an antique store.

Jules

You can't wear fake nails on just one hand, it makes you look like a crazy whore!

Laurie

I only had four left and this is the hand I smoke with!

What's that scar from?

Jules

I got knifed as a kid.

Really?

Jules

No, that's from my c-section!

Jules

You know, I've seen the parade of girls you've brought home, tagged, and released. No matter how young they are, you don't seem the least bit self-conscious about your age.

Grayson

It's cause I'm not.

Jules

Show me how to do that.

Grayson

Can't. When women get older, it's icky. When men get older, it's adorable. It's my favorite double standard.

Jules

Me, not so much.

Ellie

It's your turn, best war story from your twenties.

Jules

Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.

Andy

Boo!

Jules

Ah, if I'm going to get waxed, I'll need to tidy the den before the maid comes

Ellie

Oh, yeah.

Laurie

Wait, what the hell does that mean?

Ellie

Oh that means Jules is so crazy that she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxes so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.

Jules

You never go all out for a guy?

Laurie

If I really like a guy I'll stop texting while I do him.

Ellie

I wish you were my daughter.

Jules

Well, you've got a real flair for decorating.

Grayson

[About his ex-wife] She took everything. What do you want?

Jules

Look, your marriage sucked.

Grayson

Thank you.

Jules

And my marriage sucked! But why would you let me think you're some jerk who walked away from his wife?

Grayson

I don't know, maybe because I had the crazy idea you'd want to talk about it. Or I didn't want to relive the crazy adventure of having someone you love just walk away. Definitely one of those two things.

Jules

Well, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.

Grayson

Are you sure? Because I'm pretending this conversation didn't happen as it's happening.

Jules

Grayson, look. I know what it's like to want to erase your past. I had Bobby move all his crap out just so I wouldn't have a daily reminder of it. But you can't pack away your past in boxes, it's always gonna be a part of who you are. Look, you were treated really, really badly. Which kind of justifies why you can be such a tool. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was also treated really badly. But I'm super nice, whatever.

Grayson

Worst buck-up speech ever.

Jules

I'm not done yet! You need to know that eventually, this isn't going to hurt so much. And the good times will get easier to remember. And you're gonna end up being a stronger person because of all that you've been through. I promise. [Long pause] Oh and for the record, I hated your wife. She was a total bitch. Needed to be said. You deserve better.

Jules

Oh look who got laid last night.

Andy

That's right chumps, missionary accomplished!

Jules

[With her shirt up] Hey Trav!

Travis

Shirt down, then hey Trav

Jules

[Pulls down shirt] Hey Trav!

Travis

Too, late scarred for life

Jules

These used to feed you!

Ellie

You totally had sex last night.

Jules

How'd you know?

Ellie

I'm your best friend, I know these things, plus there's a condom wrapper on your back.

Jules

Oh, is it just the one?

Ellie

Good god, Jules.

Jules

Alright, the bet starts now. [Bobby comes in]

Bobby

Hey, J-bird!

Grayson

Wow, point five seconds. I just won twenty dollars.

Bobby

Sounds like I was involved. Wanna go splitskies?

Jules

Wow. You see the opportunity to make money and just jump, don't you?

Bobby

GAC.

Jules

What does that mean?

Travis

G-A-C. Guilty as charged. I taught him that. I regret it.

Grayson

[singing] She likes a pacemaker, she's a hip breaker, she likes them almost dead. [Stops singing] That's all I've written so far, but I'm very proud of it.

Jules

It's haunting.

Grayson

You know that girl I was with? She is eleven years younger than me. If you add that to the age difference between you and your date, it's 611 years.

Jules

Mine wasn't a date, okay? I just went out for some coffee.

Grayson

You can't stand to be alone for a second can you?

Jules

That is ridiculous.

Grayson

Then why'd you go out with father time?

Jules

Because I am a history buff, and I haven't been in a car with only a lap belt in a long time.

Jules

There's that cute guy from spinning class!

Laurie

And he's shirtless in front of that store. Maybe he's a jeans model!

Ellie

Or maybe he loves his body and lives his life shirtless, not caring what anybody thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey.