You can't wear fake nails on just one hand, it makes you look like a crazy whore!
I only had four left and this is the hand I smoke with!
Characters
Jules Kiki CobbCourteney Cox · 51 quotes
Ellie TorresChrista Miller · 29 quotes
Travis CobbDan Byrd · 24 quotes
Grayson EllisJosh Hopkins · 23 quotes
Laurie KellerBusy Philipps · 23 quotes
Bobby CobbBrian Van Holt · 19 quotes
Andy TorresIan Gomez · 15 quotes
Most scenes together: Jules Kiki Cobb & Ellie Torres (21), Jules Kiki Cobb & Grayson Ellis (14), Jules Kiki Cobb & Travis Cobb (12)
S1 E1Pilot
JJosh
What's that scar from?
I got knifed as a kid.
JJosh
Really?
No, that's from my c-section!
S1 E2Into the Great Wide Open
You know, I've seen the parade of girls you've brought home, tagged, and released. No matter how young they are, you don't seem the least bit self-conscious about your age.
It's cause I'm not.
Show me how to do that.
Can't. When women get older, it's icky. When men get older, it's adorable. It's my favorite double standard.
Me, not so much.
It's your turn, best war story from your twenties.
Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.
Boo!
S1 E3Don't Do Me Like That
Ah, if I'm going to get waxed, I'll need to tidy the den before the maid comes
Oh, yeah.
Wait, what the hell does that mean?
Oh that means Jules is so crazy that she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxes so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.
You never go all out for a guy?
If I really like a guy I'll stop texting while I do him.
I wish you were my daughter.
S1 E4I Won't Back Down
Well, you've got a real flair for decorating.
[About his ex-wife] She took everything. What do you want?
Look, your marriage sucked.
Thank you.
And my marriage sucked! But why would you let me think you're some jerk who walked away from his wife?
I don't know, maybe because I had the crazy idea you'd want to talk about it. Or I didn't want to relive the crazy adventure of having someone you love just walk away. Definitely one of those two things.
Well, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.
Are you sure? Because I'm pretending this conversation didn't happen as it's happening.
Grayson, look. I know what it's like to want to erase your past. I had Bobby move all his crap out just so I wouldn't have a daily reminder of it. But you can't pack away your past in boxes, it's always gonna be a part of who you are. Look, you were treated really, really badly. Which kind of justifies why you can be such a tool. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was also treated really badly. But I'm super nice, whatever.
Worst buck-up speech ever.
I'm not done yet! You need to know that eventually, this isn't going to hurt so much. And the good times will get easier to remember. And you're gonna end up being a stronger person because of all that you've been through. I promise. [Long pause] Oh and for the record, I hated your wife. She was a total bitch. Needed to be said. You deserve better.
Oh look who got laid last night.
That's right chumps, missionary accomplished!
S1 E5You Wreck Me
The only time I ever spoke to your wife she told me she would, and I quote, pay someone to do me prison style if I didn't bring my trashcans in.
So we're cool.
I am, but you're married to a scary person.
[With her shirt up] Hey Trav!
Shirt down, then hey Trav
[Pulls down shirt] Hey Trav!
Too, late scarred for life
These used to feed you!
S1 E6A Woman in Love (It's Not Me)
When I want to end it with a guy, I sleep with his best friend... or brother. Brothers are good because if the guy was hot, chances are the brother is too. Best friends are a crap shoot.
You totally had sex last night.
How'd you know?
I'm your best friend, I know these things, plus there's a condom wrapper on your back.
Oh, is it just the one?
Good god, Jules.
S1 E7Don't Come Around Here No More
Alright, the bet starts now. [Bobby comes in]
Hey, J-bird!
Wow, point five seconds. I just won twenty dollars.
Sounds like I was involved. Wanna go splitskies?
Wow. You see the opportunity to make money and just jump, don't you?
GAC.
What does that mean?
G-A-C. Guilty as charged. I taught him that. I regret it.
[singing] She likes a pacemaker, she's a hip breaker, she likes them almost dead. [Stops singing] That's all I've written so far, but I'm very proud of it.
It's haunting.
You know that girl I was with? She is eleven years younger than me. If you add that to the age difference between you and your date, it's 611 years.
Mine wasn't a date, okay? I just went out for some coffee.
You can't stand to be alone for a second can you?
That is ridiculous.
Then why'd you go out with father time?
Because I am a history buff, and I haven't been in a car with only a lap belt in a long time.
S1 E8Two Gunslingers
[after Jules puts Grayson in charge of Travis while she's gone]
Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don't answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.
You're a neat kid.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cougar Town pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.