A character in Cougar Town
Played by Josh Hopkins
Cougar Town · 82 quotes
Tied for 4th most-quoted character in Cougar Town: in 23 of its 82 quotes
Most scenes with: Jules Kiki Cobb (14), Andy Torres (7), Bobby Cobb (6)
You know, I've seen the parade of girls you've brought home, tagged, and released. No matter how young they are, you don't seem the least bit self-conscious about your age.
GraysonIt's cause I'm not.
Show me how to do that.
GraysonCan't. When women get older, it's icky. When men get older, it's adorable. It's my favorite double standard.
Me, not so much.
Well, you've got a real flair for decorating.
Grayson[About his ex-wife] She took everything. What do you want?
Look, your marriage sucked.
GraysonThank you.
And my marriage sucked! But why would you let me think you're some jerk who walked away from his wife?
GraysonI don't know, maybe because I had the crazy idea you'd want to talk about it. Or I didn't want to relive the crazy adventure of having someone you love just walk away. Definitely one of those two things.
Well, you can't just pretend it didn't happen.
GraysonAre you sure? Because I'm pretending this conversation didn't happen as it's happening.
Grayson, look. I know what it's like to want to erase your past. I had Bobby move all his crap out just so I wouldn't have a daily reminder of it. But you can't pack away your past in boxes, it's always gonna be a part of who you are. Look, you were treated really, really badly. Which kind of justifies why you can be such a tool. I mean, don't get me wrong, I was also treated really badly. But I'm super nice, whatever.
GraysonWorst buck-up speech ever.
I'm not done yet! You need to know that eventually, this isn't going to hurt so much. And the good times will get easier to remember. And you're gonna end up being a stronger person because of all that you've been through. I promise. [Long pause] Oh and for the record, I hated your wife. She was a total bitch. Needed to be said. You deserve better.
GraysonThe only time I ever spoke to your wife she told me she would, and I quote, pay someone to do me prison style if I didn't bring my trashcans in.
So we're cool.
GraysonI am, but you're married to a scary person.
Alright, the bet starts now. [Bobby comes in]
Hey, J-bird!
GraysonWow, point five seconds. I just won twenty dollars.
Sounds like I was involved. Wanna go splitskies?
Wow. You see the opportunity to make money and just jump, don't you?
GAC.
What does that mean?
G-A-C. Guilty as charged. I taught him that. I regret it.
Grayson[singing] She likes a pacemaker, she's a hip breaker, she likes them almost dead. [Stops singing] That's all I've written so far, but I'm very proud of it.
It's haunting.
GraysonYou know that girl I was with? She is eleven years younger than me. If you add that to the age difference between you and your date, it's 611 years.
Mine wasn't a date, okay? I just went out for some coffee.
GraysonYou can't stand to be alone for a second can you?
That is ridiculous.
GraysonThen why'd you go out with father time?
Because I am a history buff, and I haven't been in a car with only a lap belt in a long time.
[after Jules puts Grayson in charge of Travis while she's gone]
Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don't answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.
GraysonYou're a neat kid.
It's not a bad thing that sometimes I hook up with women for food.
GraysonIt's not my fault every twenty-four-year-old on Earth has a daddy complex and thinks my name is exotic.
Still, we both know it's not forever.
GraysonHello, no.
Someday I'm gonna find me a real woman. Someone who looks after me.
GraysonI'd like to find someone who gets me out of my shell.
I don't want to end up alone.
GraysonThat would kill me.
Whoa! Getting deep alert.
GraysonWhew!
Permission to speak?
Proceed.
Do you think the woman you're looking for is even out there?
[Bobby and Grayson both watch Jules go up the stairs]
Definitely.
GraysonDefinitely.
When I was married, you know what Jules often said to me?
GraysonPlease stop sleeping with other women?
GraysonSmith wasn't attracted to you because he thought you were couth.
Grayson, that is a word that only women are allowed to use when they're really angry with another woman.
GraysonCouth. You know, the opposite of uncouth.
Right, because if I didn't know what couth meant putting an un in front of it makes it perfectly clear. Who's dumb now?
GraysonObviously I am.
Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?
What?
GraysonWhat? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.
Jules is your someday girl?
GraysonA what now?
A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It's really serious.
GraysonSomeday girl is a great title for a new song.
You still grouchy about my alleged tab?
Grayson[Pulls back the beer he was about to serve Bobby and pours it down the drain] Oh, headfake. Goodbye delicious beer!
That's hateful.
I felt bad about you getting mugged, so I bought you some stuff. A rape whistle to help protect you from other scary lady muggers, some of that yogurt that helps old gals poop-
That stuff really works. Like, BOOM!
And some tampons.
Awesome! [To Grayson] Hey if I put these in the machine in the ladies' room, can I get some nachos?
How are you not embarrassed?
Sorry, Ellie. Can't be done.
You're talking to a guy whose main goal in life is to party so hard he literally craps his pants in every country.
I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.
You two made up?
Not yet, but we will. [To Andy] Dummy.
Witch.
Anybody want wine?
Always.
What's happening?
GraysonI don't know, but I never know.
Jules is wigged out by our fight because she doesn't know what it's like to be in a good, healthy marriage.
Well, yes I do.
Grayson[Whispers] No you don't.
I really don't.
What, we're gonna throw our marriage away because I missed a baby dance recital? Stan's one. I bet he didn't even move.
He peed himself and I fell asleep. Jules, when a marriage really works, tiny bumps in the road don't matter. You don't have to be scared because there's never any real jeopardy.
Like a built-in safety net because we love each other so much. [They kiss]
I'm gonna cry.
GraysonI'm not cause my eyes are so tiny. That's right, I'm owning it.
Try some of that banter you use on the young girls.
GraysonWell, we start with middle names and then do favorite numbers, and if things are going really well we'll move on to kittens vs. puppies. I like puppies cause it tickles when they lick you.
Okay let's just do this. Are you close with your folks?
GraysonNot a great area.
Do you see yourself getting married again?
GraysonAlso usually avoided.
Once when trekking through Nepal, I had to act out "Where can I find a tampon?" to a monk. This conversation? Harder than that.
Grayson and I are like pools - we're still just sticking our toes in each other. Grossest thing I ever said.
GraysonI'm gonna go throw up.
Grayson[after sex] That was amazing.
Makes me almost not mind sleeping here. [Grayson pulls a cord and balloons rain down as the Grayson remix plays]
GraysonHappy one millionth customer!!
You think you're funny, don't you? I'm never sleeping here again!
GraysonOh, well then I better get my money's worth! [Puts a wool hat on]
Oh, God.
GraysonHuh, dawg? I look pretty cool, right, dawg? Oh, you can frown all you want, but you're not going anywhere. I hid all your clothes.
Oh God. [Kisses him]
Grayson[Popping a balloon] Happy one millionth customer!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Cougar Town pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
