Laurie Keller quotes from Cougar Town

Laurie

When I want to end it with a guy, I sleep with his best friend... or brother. Brothers are good because if the guy was hot, chances are the brother is too. Best friends are a crap shoot.

Laurie

Women do love when men fight for them. There is nothing less sexy than a dude who respects a restraining order.

Laurie

Oh hey Rache, now bear with me, I have to order for everyone. Okay, I'll have one soy largey, one teeny tiny, one teeny teeny tiny unleaded, one Plain Jane, extra yum - what the hell make it a double yum - a Baby Joey, a Midnight with a Full Moon - hold the pumpkin, a medium coffee, I need a Heavy D in a travel mug please, two Crazy Ivans, a Sauron's Eye. Also I need a 'damn!' and an iced 'damn!,' a Sneaky Pete, a double drip with a snip of whip, and a frap cap heavy on the (makes crushing sound). Oh, and let's see what's fresh...okay, well I'll take three raisin happy muffins, a French mustache, and, ick, a fart muffin - that is not for me. Oh, and I forgot to order my own coffee! Can I get a Taye Diggs, which is black and extra strong and smooth but very sweet?

Jules

You can't wear fake nails on just one hand, it makes you look like a crazy whore!

Laurie

I only had four left and this is the hand I smoke with!

Jules

Ah, if I'm going to get waxed, I'll need to tidy the den before the maid comes

Ellie

Oh, yeah.

Laurie

Wait, what the hell does that mean?

Ellie

Oh that means Jules is so crazy that she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxes so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.

Jules

You never go all out for a guy?

Laurie

If I really like a guy I'll stop texting while I do him.

Ellie

I wish you were my daughter.

Jules

There's that cute guy from spinning class!

Laurie

And he's shirtless in front of that store. Maybe he's a jeans model!

Ellie

Or maybe he loves his body and lives his life shirtless, not caring what anybody thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey.

Grayson

Smith wasn't attracted to you because he thought you were couth.

Laurie

Grayson, that is a word that only women are allowed to use when they're really angry with another woman.

Grayson

Couth. You know, the opposite of uncouth.

Laurie

Right, because if I didn't know what couth meant putting an un in front of it makes it perfectly clear. Who's dumb now?

Grayson

Obviously I am.

Travis

Are there really women out there that will have sex with me just because they're mad about something?

Laurie

Oh yeah, for sure.

Travis

This is very exciting news.

Laurie

You know there are also girls that will sleep with you because their friends are prettier.

Travis

This just keeps getting better.

Andy

Did lover boy tell you he likes Jules?

Laurie

What?

Grayson

What? No. I just said someday I could end up with a girl like her.

Laurie

Jules is your someday girl?

Grayson

A what now?

Laurie

A someday girl is someone who someday someone else can see themselves ending up with someday. It's really serious.

Grayson

Someday girl is a great title for a new song.

Laurie

Why are you so into photography?

Travis

I feel like photos really capture our collective unconscious. Plus being pretentious really works on me.

Andy

When I'm this depressed, I need to eat.

Bobby

You know you can sometimes get free chicken in this park.

Laurie

Where?

Bobby

Donalds hiccups

Andy

Dude, no.

Bobby

It's like taking the shampoos in a hotel, they expect you to do it.

Laurie

They really don't.

Jules

Would you rather be with someone emotionally stable or someone who, on game night, carves "die, bitch" in the kitchen table because you think he sucks at Jenga?

Laurie

There are positives and negatives to both.

Jules

There really aren't.

Laurie

I know. And I am sorry about the table.

Jules

It's okay. I added a T so now it says "diet, bitch." It's actually pretty motivating.

Laurie

Come on, don't you guys want to get inside each other?

Andy

That's what she said! Oh!

Laurie

So lame.

Jules

Why won't that joke ever go away?

Ellie

We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is!

Bobby

Good luck, sister, it's not that easy.

Andy

It's never hard for me!

Jules

That's what he said!

Andy

I don't like this.

Jules

Drinking keeps women skinny!

Laurie

Oh my god!

Ellie

This is bigger than curing cancer.

Jules

Altogether now, if it's on the internet...

It must be true!

Jules

Everybody, sip.

Travis

Good afternoon, booze bags. What are we celebrating today?

Jules

Science!