Ellie Torres quotes from Cougar Town

Ellie

[to Laurie] Not all fun things revolve around being topless.

Ellie

If we're gonna be sneaking around the neighborhood at night should my husband be dressed like a cat burglar ?

Ellie

It's your turn, best war story from your twenties.

Jules

Once when I was 22, I had a baby and I stayed home by myself raising him for the rest of my twenties. The end.

Andy

Boo!

Jules

Ah, if I'm going to get waxed, I'll need to tidy the den before the maid comes

Ellie

Oh, yeah.

Laurie

Wait, what the hell does that mean?

Ellie

Oh that means Jules is so crazy that she has to give herself a trim before she gets waxes so her waxer doesn't think she's a cavewoman.

Jules

You never go all out for a guy?

Laurie

If I really like a guy I'll stop texting while I do him.

Ellie

I wish you were my daughter.

Ellie

You totally had sex last night.

Jules

How'd you know?

Ellie

I'm your best friend, I know these things, plus there's a condom wrapper on your back.

Jules

Oh, is it just the one?

Ellie

Good god, Jules.

Jules

There's that cute guy from spinning class!

Laurie

And he's shirtless in front of that store. Maybe he's a jeans model!

Ellie

Or maybe he loves his body and lives his life shirtless, not caring what anybody thinks. Like Matthew McConaughey.

Jules

What should we do today?

Ellie

I don't know. We could read magazines, or look at shoes online. Just gossip?

Jules

You know, we both only like sex between that small window of three and three forty-five. Should we do that?

Ellie

Today let's just kiss without it having to lead anywhere.

Jules

I love being married to you!

Ellie

I know, I'm so glad we killed Andy and buried him in the backyard.

Jules

Oh, baby! [Starts to kiss her, Andy comes in dirty and carrying a pickaxe, Jules and Ellie scream]

Andy

Did you really think you could get away with it? DID YA? [Swings the axe; Ellie wakes up]

Ellie

[To sleeping Andy] You ruin everything!

Jules

I want to put that on a string and wear it around my neck.

Ellie

Sweetie, when you say people's body parts are so adorable you want to wear them, it makes you seem a little serial killer-ey, especially when you do it about kids.

Jules

I'd love to have a scarf of little baby hands.

Ellie

See, that's not a great out loud thought

Bobby

You still grouchy about my alleged tab?

Grayson

[Pulls back the beer he was about to serve Bobby and pours it down the drain] Oh, headfake. Goodbye delicious beer!

Bobby

That's hateful.

Ellie

I felt bad about you getting mugged, so I bought you some stuff. A rape whistle to help protect you from other scary lady muggers, some of that yogurt that helps old gals poop-

Andy

That stuff really works. Like, BOOM!

Ellie

And some tampons.

Bobby

Awesome! [To Grayson] Hey if I put these in the machine in the ladies' room, can I get some nachos?

Ellie

How are you not embarrassed?

Bobby

Sorry, Ellie. Can't be done.

Andy

You're talking to a guy whose main goal in life is to party so hard he literally craps his pants in every country.

Bobby

I already knocked off America and Mexico. Mexico was easy.

Jules

You two made up?

Ellie

Not yet, but we will. [To Andy] Dummy.

Andy

Witch.

Ellie

Anybody want wine?

Andy

Always.

Jules

What's happening?

Grayson

I don't know, but I never know.

Ellie

Jules is wigged out by our fight because she doesn't know what it's like to be in a good, healthy marriage.

Jules

Well, yes I do.

Grayson

[Whispers] No you don't.

Jules

I really don't.

Andy

What, we're gonna throw our marriage away because I missed a baby dance recital? Stan's one. I bet he didn't even move.

Ellie

He peed himself and I fell asleep. Jules, when a marriage really works, tiny bumps in the road don't matter. You don't have to be scared because there's never any real jeopardy.

Andy

Like a built-in safety net because we love each other so much. [They kiss]

Jules

I'm gonna cry.

Grayson

I'm not cause my eyes are so tiny. That's right, I'm owning it.

Ellie

Jules, at our age, we are who we are. There's no more changing.

Jules

Well that sucks. Then how am I going to have my antiques shop in Paris?

Ellie

Well, that's easy. You're not.

Jules

You just lost your discount!

Jules

How are you gonna decide between these two colleges? One's known as the jewel of central southwest Florida, and one's in a state where people lean out of their car window and shoot you in the face.

Travis

Subtle. You really think you can pull this off?

Jules

Maybe. I'm like the third smartest one here.

Bobby

What number am I?

Ellie

Sixth.

Travis

This is my decision, so I'm just gonna make it myself. (Jules gives him a long hug) Let's not get weird.

Jules

If I could, I'd have them shrink me down so small I could live in your blood.

Bobby

She's gonna let him make his own decision, right?

Ellie

Now you're eighth.

Laurie

Come on, don't you guys want to get inside each other?

Andy

That's what she said! Oh!

Laurie

So lame.

Jules

Why won't that joke ever go away?

Ellie

We should steal it from them so they know how annoying it is!

Bobby

Good luck, sister, it's not that easy.

Andy

It's never hard for me!

Jules

That's what he said!

Andy

I don't like this.

Jules

Drinking keeps women skinny!

Laurie

Oh my god!

Ellie

This is bigger than curing cancer.

Jules

Altogether now, if it's on the internet...

It must be true!

Jules

Everybody, sip.

Travis

Good afternoon, booze bags. What are we celebrating today?

Jules

Science!