Are you all right, Dad? Did you get hit by a grain truck (smells Oscar) or a garbage truckm yeesh.
S1World’s Biggest Thing
WWes
World's biggest gopher.
No, Stumpwood already has the world's biggest gopher.
Well how big is it?
I don't know exactly, but its head's made of a Volkswagen.
That's a big gopher.
S1All My Ex's Live in Toronto
You're going to the doctor.
Over my dead body!
That'd speed things up.
Do you know how fast you were going back there?
SStephen
Uh, 97?
Oh, that's a relief, radar gun's workin'.
You're going to the doctor, Oscar, and that's the end of it.
Yeah, that's the end of it. What are we talking about?
Your father won't see a doctor.
He's just gonna poke and prod me because he can. I know it. They get you there so they can touch you all over the place.
[sarcastically] Yeah, that's why most people go to med school: so they can feel up old men. [to Emma] You know, legally.
Plumbers in lab coats.
You love plumbers.
There's no upside to me going to the doctor. I'm an old man. So what are they gonna tell me? The best-case scenario is they tell me I'm an old man.
Dad--
He's just gonna make something up. Tell me I'm sick, then I'll get sick and drop dead.
You're confusing doctors and hypnotists. Dad, look, you're going to be around for a long time.
How can you be so sure?
Because I've angered the karma gods and you're my punishment.
A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's gonna get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town is gonna be saying how I can't get it--
[disgusted] Dad!
What's he talking about?
Viagra.
Oh, for pete's sake! Well, if you're going there anyway, you might as well ask.
Agh, Mom!
I was just gonna suggest a good old-fashioned beating. Or we put on the cloaks and pretend to sacrifice him for the crops, you know, scare him off.
S1Cousin Carl
JMrs. Jensen
When your father ran the place, the customer was always respected.
Hey, jackass, stop talking to this old wingnut and come pump my gas!
Well, he's a people person.
Aw, did you have to use the scary Santa.
That thing gives me the heebee-Jojeebees.
What? It's festive.
Yeah, the way human sacrifice is considered festive in some cultures.
If anyone wants to give Oscar $1.20 to shut up about the bottle thing, he's in the corner.
I'm a senior!
Now, I just need to finish the set design. I'm thinking something shiny. Bright colours, red, green, flashing lights...
So, old Christmas decorations.
Yeah!
Fine, you deck the halls but I'm not donning any gay apparel.
Okay.
Well, Carl Jung says that we all have a shadow figure, a...a kind of nemesis. In fact I actually found mine.
What'd you do?
I married him.
Jeez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crowsnest?
Ya sissy. It's like a Belgian beer
CCarl
Not the Belgium I've been to.
I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?
Brent!
You know what, I-I can't, I'm driving.
Honest to God, Dad, it tastes like you beat a skunk to death with a salmon.
S1Cell Phone
Do you think my new cell phone is small?
I don't know.
Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.
Right.
But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.
I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.
No, Dad, I didn't lose it. ...How could I be talkin' to you on it if I had lost it?
S1Comedy Night
Karen, I'm glad you're here. Look, we need to talk about the book club.
I thought the first rule of book club was you don't talk about book club.
That's Fight Club.
What do you know about Fight Club?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Corner Gas pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.