SGSpecial Agent Glenn Keenlan
[Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I should probably warn you about this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.
Where were you a week ago?
S2 E17Intro to Political Science
We're electing the students' president. I'm gonna run! I have so many ideas for improving this school!
Improving Greendale takes more than ideas, Annie. It takes time, gasoline, matches...
Hmmm, nice. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Classic Wingers"]
Well, newsflash Jeff, some of us care about more than fixing our hair and sculpting our abs.
Wow, you got me pegged. [makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "Ab mentions"]
Democracy, what a ruse. There's no such thing as a system in which the masses hold any-
[interrupting] Everybody wants you to shut up!
And yet I won't. Case in point.
[Troy smiles and makes a notch on the side of the table, under a writing that reads "notches"]
SGSpecial Agent Glenn Keenlan
[Inspects Abed's backpack] He's clean. Although I could issue a warning for this bootleg copy of The Last Airbender.
Where were you a week ago?
You should have stayed in the running. You were the only real candidate.
Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.
S2 E18Custody Law and Eastern European Diplomacy
God bless you!
Not lately.
He's a war criminal!
TTroy
In what war is he a criminal? In the battle for our affections?!?
S2 E19Critical Film Studies
Where to begin... I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.
Here and there.
I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook, not to accomplish anything mind you, simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was in early March, I got this Facebook message--a very nice message--from the people who make Cougar Town.
Looking for work?
[Laughs] No, thanking me, Jeff, you know, for all the support I generated for the show, and in the last paragraph they said, "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.
Wow, that's cool of them. I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fiction of people. Man, how great was that movie?
So I sold a few of my action figures and I bought a round trip ticket to Los Angeles.
Wait, what? You went? When?
Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. [Whispers] Cougar Town.
Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.
You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful. You know, not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been two hundred people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village, or like... a living thing. And I'm talking to the director and he says, "Well, why don't you jump into the background?" I say, "Now wait a minute, jump into the background of what exactly?" And he says, "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town!" Well, before I could react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courtney Cox and the actors are doing their scene, and the girl says, "Now when you hear action, I want you to walk from here to there." That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person who watches Cougar Town, how could I be in Cougar Town? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director is calling "Action!" So, before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who has ever seen the show, and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, someone whose name I decide is Chad. And I take my first step as a child learning to walk--as Chad--and with each step it becomes easier, and with each step I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field, playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High, finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend. Birthdays, weddings, car crashes, taxes. Playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. Chad had lived more than Abed. Then they called, "Cut." And the scene was over, but I wasn't ready to stop being Chad, so I said to the director, "Can I have one more take?" But they were already moving on--Courtney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, my hands and my feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor... [pauses] I pooped my pants.
Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection. You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.
Not all the time.
That's a lie.
We don't lie when we're alone.
Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.
How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?
You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.
No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.
What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?
Well, I don't believe that happens.
Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.
But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?
Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constantly-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.
S2 E20Competitive Wine Tasting
Don't preach to me about romance, Annie. I had a three-way in a hot-air balloon.
How about Mexican?
WMWu Mei
How about Thai? They're like Chinese Mexicans.
S2 E21Paradigms of Human Memory
The show's going to last three weeks!
Six seasons and a movie!
TTroy
Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves?
Troy, we never said ourselves.
TTroy
Okay, now I'm really mad.
[Troy and Abed are watching TV as Britta comes in the room and abruptly changes channel, to their disappointment]
TTroy
What are you doing?!
There's rioting in Tunisia!
TTroy
The Cape is premiering!
Humanity is premiering, you jags!
TTroy
[as he and the study group emerge from a lake completely wet] You can yell at me all you want! I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of a raft makes it go faster.
[Jeff starts delivering a speech that becomes a montage of other "Winger Speeches" that were given in varoius locations]
Look, we've known each other for almost two years now.
[In a haunted house] And yeah, in that time, I've given a lot of speeches. But they all have one thing in common:
[At a drug lord's compound] They're all different. These drug runners aren't gonna execute Pierce because he's racist!
[In a railway station] It's a locomotive that runs on us!
[On the shore of a lake] ...and the only sharks in that water...
[In a haunted house] ...are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear,
[In the College's cafeteria] ...anchovies,
[On a camping trip] ...fear...
[In an asylum] ...and the dangers of ingesting mercury! Gahh!
[Outside of a motel] Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds...
[In the College's cafeteria] And there's no such things as a "free Caesar Salad"! And even if there were...
[In the study room] The Cape still might find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why:
[At a drug lord's compound, in Spanish] El corazón del agua es verdad.
[On the shore of a lake] That water is a lie!
[In an asylum] Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions!
[In the study room] So, maybe we are caught in an endless cycle of screw-ups and hurt feelings. But I choose to believe it's just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super-group.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Community pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.