If - and I mean if - the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.
[sarcastically] Yes, Pierce, we were all thinking that, in 1856.
S2 E8Cooperative Calligraphy
[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records! And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread!
"Bend and spread"? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?
TTroy
Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book!
S2 E9Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design
[dramatic music plays as he reads Jeff's course schedule, then gives an evil smile] Agnes, cancel my appointments.
AAgnes
What appointments?
[beat] Wishful thinking.
I have always dreamt of playing charades with you, Jeffrey, just not like this! And not on dry land!
And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!
...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?
My latin class was fake, Jeff.
This, Annie, is night school. Every student, every teacher, every class: Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream.
And scene!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
The perfect Jeff Winger blow-off class: a class that doesn't exist.
Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?
My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.
Wanna build a cardboard submarine?
TTroy
Get out of my brain.
S2 E10Mixology Certification
TTroy
Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.
SGStudy Group
[Singing] To you!
That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
TTroy
[Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.
S2 E11Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas
[after Jeff is eaten by Hum-bugs for being sarcastic]
Ooh! Can I sing this one? [Abed nods and Annie sings] Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / Than a haircut in a box.
TTroy
Annie. Nice!
Get what I did with the word presence?
[opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
That's the meaning of Christmas?
No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
S2 E12Asian Population Studies
It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
It doesn't matter.
TTroy
Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
No.
TTroy
Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
No.
The white George Foreman?
You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
TTroy
Is it Fat Neil?
Bluestreak?
Optimus Prime?
Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
We should really start learning people's names.
I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
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