Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?
My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.
S2 E9Conspiracy Theories and Interior Design
Wanna build a cardboard submarine?
Get out of my brain.
S2 E10Mixology Certification
Alcohol makes people sad. It's the Lifetime movie of beverages.
SGStudy Group
[Singing] To you!
That was weird, how come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the happy birthday part?
You know Troy's a Jehovah's Witness, he doesn't celebrate birthdays.
Annie and I did our best to keep the language on the cake compliant.
[Reading the message written on his birthday cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically with your expulsion from a uterus.
S2 E11Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas
[after Jeff is eaten by Hum-bugs for being sarcastic]
Ooh! Can I sing this one? [Abed nods and Annie sings] Bitter shallow hipster / Sweater matching socks / Christmas needs more presence / Than a haircut in a box.
Annie. Nice!
Get what I did with the word presence?
[opens a Christmas gift marked "Meaning of Christmas"] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.
That's the meaning of Christmas?
No. It's a metaphor. It represents lack of pay-off.
. . .
I get it. The meaning of Christmas is the idea that Christmas has meaning. And it can be whatever we want. For me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.
S2 E12Asian Population Studies
It's not like I'm seeing anyone. There's just a guy...
A guy that goes to Greendale? Is it the Russian guy that looks like a short Johnny Depp?
It doesn't matter.
Is it the guy who looks a little like Vince Vaughn but smells a lot like fish?
. . .
Is it the guy who looks like Anderson Cooper but with the soul patch and the ponytail?
No.
Is it Black Michael Chiklis?
No.
The white George Foreman?
You guys are talking about the same person: he's biracial, his name is David, and he's a human being.
. . .
Is it Fat Neil?
Bluestreak?
Optimus Prime?
Okay, even I know some of these are Transformers.
. . .
Is it Jean-Claude Van Overbite?
We should really start learning people's names.
I agree with brown Jamie Lee Curtis.
What's this? What's going on?
It's a mixer.
Well why's everyone from Anthro class here? Are you guys picking a new study group member--and you didn't invite me?
We didn't know how to reach you.
What are you talking about? I'm everywhere.
We didn't know how to reach you.
That's not true. That's a lie.
[twitching] It's a mixer. We didn't know how to reach you. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer. It's a mixer.
[Chang backs away]
Works every time.
S2 E13Celebrity Pharmacology
Well, that answers my question. Jeff Winger is sexy even in a coffin.
Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people move faster? I thought it just made them custom paint vans and solve mysteries.
S2 E14Advanced Dungeons & Dragons
[as the study group plays D&D] And so it was that the group began to describe themselves walking, and as they described themselves walking so did Abed confirm they walked.
[to Britta] You are the AT&T of people.
An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.
I attack them using my... additional notes.
It has no effect. Britta?
I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land, and from their perspective-
[everyone else groans]
You are the AT&T of people.
[Pierce forces his way into the game]
As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...
Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.
In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?
I wait fourteen turns.
[Pierce targets Fat Neil's character, Ducayne]
Cast Shape Change on Ducayne.
What shape do you choose for him?
Faaaaaaaaaaaat.
Pierce, stop it!
Pierce!
Ducayne starts gaining weight. How much?
Make him as fat as Fat Neil.
Pierce!
[Neil starts to cry]
Oh, right, cry. Let it out. Baste your chubby cheeks in tears of gravy. You weren't crying when you were stealing my friends!
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