TV show quotes
That's my jacket! My jacket, you're stretching it! You're stretching it-!
Go back, go back, go back!
Don't stop. Keep going.
Move, move!
Now drop down, drop down! To the gate, to the gate! Go!
I'm not going without you.
[to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end. Go, go, go!
Abed! ...I love you.
I know. Make it fast.
NOOOOOOO!
I can't believe that somebody would mass-roofie an entire party.
I can't believe it wasn't me.
I can't believe I believe you. And I don't.
Wanna watch a movie?
Sure. Aliens, cyborgs or zombies?
I don't know why, but I'm kind of over zombies.
Yeah, I don't feel like anything action-heavy. How about something light?
You seen Marmaduke?
No. Cool, cool, cool.
And so, Troy and Abed went back to the dormitory for a viewing of Marmaduke. I'm George Takei. And if your name is Kevin, here's a little freebie for your cell phone. Hi, Kevin can't come to the phone. He's on a spaceship with me, George Takei. Please leave a message. You're welcome, Kevins. Happy Halloween.
[Troy and Jeff are playing basketball]
Ready for The Bus Driver, Winger? You know why they call me The Bus Driver, right?
'Cause you've been traveling all day?
'Cause I'm taking your butt to school.
[to Abed, about his skill at insulting people] You're really good at it. You're like a machine!
Like RoboCop?
Exactly like Rowboat Cop. Sharice is a bad rowboat. Sink her.
[looking in notebook] Abed, why is my name in here?
That's mine.
And Shirley's and Annie's?
What is it?
Charts. Some kind of calendar?
That's my personal private business.
[reading] "Annie: 4 on, 28 off, next, November 10th. Britta: 5 on, 27 off..." Oh, my God, are you charting our menstrual cycles?
What?! Gross!
Abed, this is so personal! And so accurate.
Abed, this is really creepy. I don't understand why you would do this.
I can explain. [Pause] Oh, I thought you'd keep yelling over me. Okay, I can explain. You know I have trouble reading people, and I say the wrong things, sometimes, and I noticed it was happening more often with you three than it was with the others. And then I noticed fluctuating patterns, and I started graphing them, and by the time I realized what I was actually measuring, it had started to yield really positive results for everybody, so I kept doing it.
. . .
Okay, if I could just take this time to share a few words of sarcasm with whoever it is that took this pen. I want to say thank you for doing this to me. For a while I thought I'd had to suffer through a puppy parade, but I much prefer being entombed alive in a mausoleum of feelings I can neither understand nor reciprocate. So whoever you are, can I get you anything? Ice cream? Best friend medal? Anything? Mmm-mmmm? Okay, sarcasm over.
I wanna see if those wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.
[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag and before you can say 1984, the thought police are forcing you to bend and spread!
Bend and spread? Are the thought police going to make love to us?
If - and I mean if - the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.
[sarcastically] Yes, Pierce, we were all thinking that, in 1856.
[angrily] It all starts with a quick look-see into someone's bag, and then it's a peek-a-rooni at our phone records! And before you can say "1984", the Thought Police are forcy-worcing you to bend and spread!
"Bend and spread"? Are the Thought Police going to make love to us?
Do they find thoughts in our butts? I knew I should've read that book!
[dramatic music plays as he reads Jeff's course schedule, then gives an evil smile] Agnes, cancel my appointments.
What appointments?
[beat] Wishful thinking.
I have always dreamt of playing charades with you, Jeffrey, just not like this! And not on dry land!
And so on, and so on, ex-chetterah!
...Did you just mispronounce et cetera?
My latin class was fake, Jeff.
This, Annie, is night school. Every student, every teacher, every class: Figments! Like puffs of hot air from the lips of a ghost in the shadow of a unicorn's dream.
And scene!
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
The perfect Jeff Winger blow-off class: a class that doesn't exist.
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