Jeff Barnes quotes from Chuck

Jeff

It's my constitutional right to fornicate!

Jeff

[Casey hits him with a tranq dart] I think my water just broke.

Jeff

What if you're the unwitting target of a ninja vendetta and he returns tonight to strangle you with his nunchuks?

Chuck

...That's super, Jeff. Thanks for thinking outside the box on that one. And here I thought I couldn't get any more freaked out.

Chuck

I've got some bad news. Big Mike wants us to fix all of this junk in two days or he's going to give the assistant store manager position to Tang. I'm sorry guys. And Anna.

Anna

"Guys" is fine; I don't mind.

Chuck

No, it's not right. We need to come up with something non-gender specific. How do we feel about "team"?

Anna

Fellow Nerd Herders?

Lester

The Lesters?

Jeff

Chuck's Stable of Hoes?

Jeff

Heart breaker.

Lester

Dream maker.

Jeff

Love taker.

Lester

Don't you mess around with Chuck.

Sarah

Look Chuck, I been thinking about our breakup and I’m not sure it’s the best idea.

Chuck

Miss me already, huh?

Sarah

Well, you know, for the cover. It makes things easier.

Chuck

Well I guess your job just got a little bit harder.

Sarah

Look, I’m sorry you thought there was something between us. It’s very common in these situations to perceive a connection that isn’t there.

Chuck

Of course I get it. It’s the old story, you know, guy gets supercomputer in his brain, beautiful CIA agent is sent to protect him and then she tells him while under the spell of a truth serum she’s not interested. I get it. But for me the emotional roller coaster is a little much so I think I would rather find something a little less common, like say I don’t know, a real relationship.

Sarah

Okay, Chuck if that's what you want then I’m going to have to sell it. [Sarah starts crying]

Chuck

You okay? [Sarah leaves and is spotted by Jeff and Lester]

Jeff

Heart breaker.

Lester

Dream maker.

Jeff

Love taker.

Lester

Don't you mess around with Chuck.

Casey

[to Lester and Jeff] We could do this the easy way or the hard way. The easy way is I shove his foot up your ass.

Jeff

What's the hard way?

Casey

I use my foot!

Let's start out simple: why do you belong at the Buy More?

Jeff

I satisfy a quota. My dad's part Indian. The cool kind of Indian, though, not like Lester.

Jeff

I don't rat. Only thing my mother taught me from the joint. If you want answers, talk to the Injun

Lester

Injun is a highly derogatory word referring to Native Americans, not East Indians, you cretin!

Jeff

Grab a shiv and make your move.

Lester

We should run now. He's in "prison mode".

Morgan

Gentlemen, I think I speak for all of us when I say that the only reason I took this job at the Buy More was to do as little work as humanly possible.

Morgan

The big man has made that dream a reality.

Lester

The man's an inspiration to slackers everywhere.

Jeff

Until his old lady dumped him.

Morgan

We're screwed! I mean screwed now that he has nothing to live for except work.

Jeff

Yeah, but how do we get Mrs. Big Mike to take him back?

Lester

How do you mend a broken heart?

You mean, how do we get him laid? I'm sorry to interrupt this little meeting of the minds but you're not the only ones who find this new regime insufferable. It's obvious our rotund leader is channeling his sexual energies into the Buy More. In my opinion your only hope......

Morgan

Is to channel him back into sex. Brilliant, Emmett. But where do we find Big Mike a ridiculous, out of his league hottie?

Lester

Someone to suck his will to work out of him.

Jeff

Not at the Bennigan's Bar.

Lester

Sometimes the fruit hangs a little too low.

Where do you meet people where you don't have to pay for sex?

Jeff

Does it shock you that 80% of my encounters with women have been completely without their knowledge?

Chuck

Honestly, I'm more surprised by the other 20%. But look, buddy, I know you're going through a tough time, but I don't feel comfortable stalking another human being.

Morgan

Dude, it's not stalking, okay? It's caring enough about someone to learn things about them they won't tell you themselves.

Chuck

Which is stalking.

Lester

What was that about?

Chuck

I'm helping Ellie and Awesome find a band for their wedding.

Lester

Then this, sir, is your lucky day.

Jeff

We'll handle it from here.

Chuck

You're going to help me find a band?

Lester

No, you misunderstand. You found your band. It is WE. [points to himself and Jeff] We'll play your sister's big day.

Chuck

Wait-- Wait a minute, you guys have a band?

Jeff

Jeff...

Lester

...Lester...

JEFFSTER!!

Chuck

That seems very fitting.

Jeff

Originally, we were going to go with the name "Jester," but we didn't want people to associate us with a couple of fools.

Chuck

Obviously not.

Lester

Morgan. All you have to do is convince Anna that moving in with you is a bad idea.

Morgan

Okay, but how am I gonna...

Lester

Shhh, Bubeleh, you've come to the right place. Repulsion is our business.

Jeff

And business is good.

Morgan

Carina is not just some girl. She's basically a Swedish supermodel. The country's greatest export since Björn Borg.

Jeff

People mistake him for me all the time.

Jeff

[Casey's smoking a cigar] This is a no smoking store.

Morgan

Thanks Jeff. You know what, my lieutenant has the right to smoke a cigar if he wants. Or he can put it out. Mr. Casey.

Morgan

Anyone else want to leave?