Woody Boyd quotes from Cheers

Sam

Christmas comes earlier every year, doesn't it?

Woody

I think if you check Sam, it always comes on the 25th of December.

Woody

You know I was thinking about this the other day and I think in my next life I'd like to come back as the President of France.

Norm

Why is that, Wood?

Woody

Well I think it would attract a lot of business to the bar.

Carla

I've been plannin' my Elvis pilgrimage to Memphis for weeks and now Nick is backing out of takin' care of the kids. He says his appendix burst.

Sam

That seems serious to me.

Carla

His appendix bursts every time I need a favor.

Woody

If he was smart, he would have that removed.

[sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.

Frasier

[sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.

[sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.

Woody

Sam should I call the police?

Frasier

No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.

And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.

Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane. I'm looking for Diane Chambers.

Woody

Gee, I hope she's not sick.

No, I'm not a medical doctor. I'm in the literature department at Boston University where I occupy a chair.

Woody

Hey don't worry about it. That's all I did in school too.

Woody

Hey Sam, what are you concocting there?

Sam

You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are, I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good luck wedding punch. It never fails.

Woody

Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?

Sam

[pause] Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?

Carla

Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks now. When are you going to stop this nonsense.

Woody

Carla, as an understudy I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moments notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours but I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Carla

Why? Cause I'm not in the theater?

Woody

No, because you don't wear makeup.

Cliff

Oh, hey. Did you notice the pool on the way in?

Woody

Yeah.

Cliff

So when summer rolls around and all those girls are out there in their French-cut bikinis, I don't have to tell you where I'll be.

Norm

Standing right here with a pair of binoculars?

Cliff

That's right.

Sam

What are you doing there?

Woody

Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments for the book club.

Sam

Yeah, but what are those?

Woody

Finger sandwiches. You know, the part that takes the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.

Sam

Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.

Woody

Yeah right.

Sam

[about Rebecca] This is getting insulting. You know I don't think she respects us.

Woody

What do you mean "us", Sam? You're the one who goofed up that champagne thing.

Sam

Come on, man. We're a team.

Woody

Is that the insulting part?

Rebecca

Did you get a chance to see Carla's babies?

Sam

They're two of the cutest little guys you've ever seen.

Rebecca

Who do they look like, Carla or Eddie?

Woody

Well they're twins, they kind of look like each other.

Woody

How come you're not going with Ms. Howe?

Sam

I thought I'd have fun instead.

Sam

Around here when guys get together to send another guy off to his doom, things can get a little raunchy.

Woody

You fellas ever dress up farm animals in women's clothing?

Sam

No

Woody

Then I'm one up on you.

Woody

Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?

Norm

A little early, isn't it, Woody?

Woody

For a beer?

Norm

No, for stupid questions.

Norm

Senior bartender huh? Well, Woods, you know a little promotion like that kind of deserves a round of drinks on the house.

Woody

Ah, gee, Mr. Peterson, I'd love to. I'm real sorry, but gosh I just don't think I'd better.

Norm

Boy, give a guy a title and he turns into a fascist.