Frasier Crane quotes from Cheers

Frasier

Carla, you can't believe God has a personal vendetta against you.

Carla

Look at my kids. Look at my husbands. Look at my life. What do you think?

Frasier

You know Carla never ceases to amaze me. She has a strange mixture of fervent religious faith and primitive superstition. I suppose it's part of our ever changing mixed up culture.

Lilith

I don't know that you should blame Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier. The need to worship high intelligence is an innate and universal phenomenon. In fact, in recent week it's become clear that my lab rats worship me as a goddess. I must confess I don't discourage them.

Frasier

Very interesting dear. Apropos of nothing, how many vacation days do you have coming?

Lilith

I don't know, 80, 85.

Frasier

What do you say we cash 50, 60 of those in and have you spend a little time with some people?

Frasier

Darling, are you going to be okay with this?

Lilith

Am I going to be okay with this? Let's see. Earlier today I discovered that my husband had an ex-wife he never told me about. Then I had the pleasure of watching him kiss said ex-wife in front of 1,000 children including his own. Then to top it all off, she hugged me. Can you deduce from my tone whether or not I'm going to be okay with this?

Frasier

Baby, you're the greatest.

Frasier

Everyone, I have an announcement to make. You may not have noticed but over the last year I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape. I'm frequently tired and I find I no longer have the energy for some of my daily activities.

Lilith

Or some of your weekly ones.

Frasier

Which is why Richard here is going to put me on a strict exercise and diet regimen. Now you may ask, "Why is Frasier sharing this information with the general public?"

Carla

Because you're the loneliest man on earth.

Lilith

He has another reason.

Frasier

[about his mother in law] I suppose it's wrong of me to blame Betty for all our problems. I'm sure I'm not the way she wants me to be either.

Woody

How does she want you to be, Dr. Crane?

Frasier

Well... dead. The thing that really drives me crazy is the unrelenting tension between Lilith and her mother. You know, Lilith just holds it all in. She has to unload it somewhere and guess who gets to listen to it endlessly.

Woody

Apparently me, Dr. Crane.

Carla

I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?

Norm

Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.

Cliff

Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.

Frasier

You okay, Cliff?

Cliff

What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.

Frasier

I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.

Cliff

You wanna see a dark side; you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub. That's something you don't do twice.

Rebecca

I'm not a loser! Norm's a loser. Look at him eating ice cream.

Norm

Hey guys...did Rebecca just call me a loser?

Frasier

I'm afraid so, Norm.

Norm

Good...I thought she said leave me some!

I win? France has won! France has won!

Frasier

There's something you never hear.

Frasier

I know. I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale in comparison. In fact, whatever it is, it, it'll be a relief! Okay, okay...what is the worst thing I can imagine?

Frasier

All right, I've got it. Lilith, your news please.

Lilith

This afternoon, in a moment of EXTREME weakness...I cheated on you.

Frasier

THAT WAS IT!! THAT WAS THE WORST THING!!!!

Lilith

Try to remain calm!

Frasier

How can I remain calm when you tell me you've slept with another man?! You SLUT!!!

Frasier

[after Sam suggests he begin dating] Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

Carla

Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Frasier

Well Norm, you could get someone to impersonate Vera.

Norm

Well thanks Frasier, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

Rebecca

Frasier, listen: I know Lilith coming back changes everything, so I'm just gonna step out of the picture, and there's no hard feelings.

Frasier

[completely oblivious to all she's saying] That bitch! Thinks she can waltz back into my life and start calling the shots!

Rebecca

I know what we almost had was very special, but we have a very special friendship too, so I think we should just leave it at that.

Rebecca

I think we should just focus here, because, you know Frasier, I'm trying to be very gentle, because I wanna let you down easily, I don't wanna break your heart...

Frasier

[mimicking Lilith, still ignoring Rebecca] "I spent three days on a bus! Wah, wah wah!" Well cry me a river, bunhead!

Rebecca

[finally losing patience] FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME!? I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING!

Maybe we need someone to blame. Maybe if we pick some faceless person at city hall to be responsible for all our problems then we won't have to accept any responsibility at all. Well, people, I say now is the time to start looking in the mirror. Because... if this thing is going to work, we are all going to have to make it work. The way a bunch of people made something work at Lexington and Concord. You may remember it... it's called AMERICA.

Frasier

But he didn't SAY anything! Thank you, people, for proving my point. The voters of Boston are sheep.

Woody

Wow, I thought that was just a Hanover thing.

Frasier

Look, all I'm saying is that when it comes to voting, people just shut off their brains. I submit we could put a chimpanzee on the ballot and garner ten-percent of the vote.

Woody

Ho ho. Two Hanover things in one day!

Frasier

[after a night of drinking Carla's special drinks] Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us. How can you be so chipper this morning?

Woody

Oh, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure. Very simple: first, put on your pajamas; then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water; and then, you vomit 'til your nose bleeds and heave until you see the angels. Wake up in the mornin', you feel brand new. Boy, I am hungry. Anybody for some chili dogs?

Norm

Okay, okay, but only two.