Frasier Crane quotes from Cheers

Frasier

Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.

Sam

Europe? Overseas?

Diane

Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Frasier

Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.

Carla

It's not exactly AT&T, is it?

Frasier

I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.

Carla

For you, that's three flights up.

Sam

Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

Sam

You're the only person I trust to listen to on this one.

Frasier

Okay Sam, I think I have some advice for you.

Sam

Oh good, what?

Frasier

Get yourself a qualified therapist to help you get over your depression and when you do give me his name.

Frasier

Oh, great. And I just bought three Italian suits.

Diane

Oh, shut up, Frasier!

Frasier

Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin: MD, PhD, EDD, APA.

Woody

Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds.

What's your name?

Frasier

Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'm Candi.

Frasier

Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I".

Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi.

Frasier

Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it.

Diane

[about Jack Dalton] There's not much to say. He's a man I dated a bit in Europe.

Woody

Was that before or after you dumped Dr. Crane and sent him into an alcoholic tailspin?

Diane

After.

Frasier

How long after?

Diane

Days.

Lilith

I suggest that your behavior indicates an unacceptable level of sexual frustration. You strike me as a man who needs professional help. Or perhaps a girlfriend.

Frasier

And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.

Frasier

Don't you see?! What these two people, who are such geniuses at romance, are trying to do is to get you to take your hair down, thinking that it will stimulate me like some sort of Pavlovian dog. So, why don't you just oblige them. Get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives.

Lilith

You mean like this?

Frasier

[lustful] Precisely. You know what?

Lilith

What?

Frasier

I'm going to kiss you. I'm going to kiss you hard and I'm going to kiss you long. But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you. In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never--

Frasier

Yes. Like that. Now, listen, Lilith. I think you and I have just been too articulate for words. We talk and we talk when what we really want to do is show how we feel.

Lilith

I think, Dr. Crane--

Frasier

Look, I don't care what you think. We both wanna be animals. Now, I'm going back to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it.

Frasier

Well, I-I suggest you come with me.

Lilith

I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane, and I just want you to know...[breathes heavily] It worked.

Lilith

Let's go.

Frasier

You didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam. The waiters pride themselves on rudeness. The portions are too small and it's exorbitantly overpriced.

Sam

You couldn't get in either?

Frasier

Not till April.

Frasier

Sam, this has gone too far. I think it's time you told her the truth.

Sam

The truth? And you call yourself a psychiatrist.

Sam

What about Frasier? Frasier you look like you could use a pick me up.

Frasier

A hockey game? No, thank you. I've been to a bullfights in Spain and I've been to the altar with Diane. I think that's enough carnage for one life.

Frasier

I should have done this earlier.

Sam

What are you doing?

Lilith

What was that? [Tries door] Frasier what are you doing? Frasier the door seems to be jammed. Frasier?

Diane

Sam, open the door.

Frasier

Macanudo?

Sam

Don't mind if I do, thank you.

Frasier

You know, I can't stand all this caterwauling, let's go upstairs. I've got all 13 episodes of I, Claudius on tape.

Sam

Great, I love gladiator flicks.

[sings] Three Little Maids from School are we.

Frasier

[sings] Pert as a Schoolgirl well may be.

[sing] Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three Little Maids from School.

Woody

Sam should I call the police?

Frasier

No need for alarm Woody, we were in the spring musical at Oxford together. It was The Mikado. Simon was Pitti-Sing and I was Yum-Yum.

And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.