Cliff Clavin quotes from Cheers

Cliff

What do you say, Norm? For of us toolin' down old mother road, getting in touch with the old hairy man mobile.

Norm

I don't know. I don't think I can handle sitting still for six hours a day.

Cliff

It might be more like 20.

Norm

Oh then I'm in.

Rebecca

Oh shoot. It's a minus. I'm not pregnant. Well we only started trying last night. I guess we can't expect to get pregnant the first time.

Sam

I thought that's what the fourth and fifth times were for.

Norm

Fifth time? Imagine that.

Cliff

I'm only up to three.

I wonder what's wrong with Carla.

Cliff

We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran.

Cliff

The only real hurdle left is Ma. It's very traumatic when the woman you love more than anything else is the world meets your significant other.

Norm

Which would be which, Cliff?

Cliff

Now you see my problem.

Woody

Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.

Cliff

Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.

Woody

Well I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.

Sam

Oh, yes we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow?

Woody

Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.

Norm

OK. What sort of game would you like to play, huh?

Woody

Well, how ‘bout, uh... "Five blind piglets and one full teat"?

Norm

What the heck kind of game is that?

Woody

That's where five city boys lose all their money. [starts dealing one-handed]

Cliff

Still can't get your mother off your back, huh? It's very difficult for me to relate to.

Lilith

[sarcastically] Really?

Cliff

Oh, yeah. Ma and I don't have any problems. You know, in fact, most people find it's hard to tell that we're even related. Folks down at Club Med are very surprised when they find out we're mother and son... shocked even.

Carla

I think you're gonna be surprised, ‘cause Sam's gonna make this team. Right guys?

Norm

Right, of course, he's Mayday Malone.

Cliff

Yeah, but hold on there, Norm, what if he doesn't? Have you thought about that? A thing like that can really hit a guy hard. He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in, and maybe start taking inventory of his life. Peruse over the setbacks, the humiliations, the wrong turns, and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose. I mean we've all done it a hundred times.

Frasier

You okay, Cliff?

Cliff

What are you asking me for, Sam's the one with the problem.

Cliff

I'm Cliff Clavin from Boston, I wrote tonight's monologue.

Oh, so you know Johnny?

Cliff

Does anyone really know Johnny?

Cliff

[on Johnny Carson's stage] Heeeeeere's Cliffy!

Feels pretty good, doesn't it?

Cliff

Yeah.

Now get the hell of my stage before I call security.

Frasier

I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.

Cliff

You wanna see a dark side; you ought to see Ma when you leave the shower curtain on the inside of the tub. That's something you don't do twice.

Cliff

[at Mr. Pubb's]Look at all the neon in here.

Norm

It looks like the inside of a UFO.

Cliff

Actually they're quite different... I guess.

Norm

What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?

Cliff

Eh, I dunno, what do you want to do?

Norm

I dunno.

Rebecca

You guys, you do this all day long for hours!

Cliff

Face it Rebecca, we're bored, nothing ever happens around here.

Rebecca

[gasps] Oh my God!

Norm

Hey, it's Andy Andy.

Rebecca

What, you know this person?!

Cliff

Yeah, former major felon. Once killed a waitress.

Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!!!

Woody

Well, Miss Chambers hasn't worked here for 5 or 6 years.

Oh really? Well, okay.

Cliff

So, what do you want to do?

Woody

What's a Fruedian slip?

Cliff

It's when you say one thing and mean a mother.

Cliff

Normy, come on, will you? The buddy of ours is on the ledge, he's about to jump to his death. Let's go!

Norm

Jeez, you're right. I'd better go move my car.

Cliff

[after the gang learns that Rebecca stills get an allowance from her father] Imagine somebody getting an allowance at her age, eh? My ma cut me off when I was thirty. No ifs, ands or buts. And it hurt, I tell you - hurt like hell. Ah, but it had a happy ending.

Norm

Made you more self-reliant, Cliff?

Cliff

Nah. A couple of years later her pension fund went bankrupt. She had to come crawling to me for some dough. I just gave her the old horse laugh. "What goes around," huh, boys?