[Sam enters wearing a suit]
Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?
I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.
CliffHow'd it go?
I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.
What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?
Okay, for a second there I was offended.
And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".
Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.
Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.
Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?
Cliff
Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!
And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff
Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.
[Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"
Cliff
Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff
Obvious to who?
Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff
It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.
It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.
Cliff
No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!
Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]
Cliff
Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?
You know it's a funny thing. You spend years hosting a show and you get into the habit of thinking there's just one correct question for every answer. But life doesn't always work out that way. The world is much more complex and you discover many different ways of looking at the universe.
Cliff
Yeah, so what are you going to do?
I think I'm going to quit my job as host of "Jeopardy!" Maybe spend a little time in Tibet.
Cliff
Oh no Alex, just sit down here. I mean you don't know what you're saying.
Wait a minute, how can I go on hosting the program if I'm filled with all these doubts?
Cliff
Alright Alex, think about what "Jeopardy!" means to America. It's more than just a game show. I mean, it's as much of the part of national fabric as the postal uniform I wear with pride every single day.
So you think I should stay as host of "Jeopardy!"?
Cliff
Absolutely.
And you won't bear me any ill will if I do?
Cliff
Oh, bite your tongue!
All right, it's settled. I'm going to stay as the host of "Jeopardy!"
Cliff
Oh thank goodness Alex! Hey, hey, you hear that everybody? I saved "Jeopardy!" I'm going to go call Ma, she'll get a big kick out of this!
Hey Alex, that's alright, you're a regular guy. Coming in here to make Cliff feel better. That's great.
I just came in here for a beer but I saw Cliff and I figured I better say something so I made up that story about quitting. He scares me.
Rebecca and Robin started making out in the back of the limo. So I offered to do the gentlemanly thing.
Cliff
What's that?
Let them dump me out on the railroad tracks.
Oh man. That Colcord is a real jerk.
Yeah, he just pulled over and let me out.
He stopped the car? So what are you whining about?
It doesn't mean I will never see you guys. I can still come in as a customer. Of course with work and all I can't stay for 10 to 12 hours at a stretch like you guys.
That's okay. You can be in the part timers club. They sit over there.
Cliff
And when you're ready to commit you'll let us know.
Yeah like Phil there. He's right on the verge.
Cliff
Yup.
Why don't you pick her up?
Cliff
No, Normie that would set exactly the wrong tone for this visit. I know why she's here. She wants to move back in with me. But she can just forget it. I tell you. She's not going to be running my life like she did when I was in my mid-30s. No siree sir.
I don't get it, Mr. Clavin. I thought you liked your ma a lot.
Too much to be healthy really.
Cliff
As a rule your psycho killers don't have families. They're loners. They may have jobs. They're good to their mothers. By and large they sit alone at night in a dark room writing their depraved thoughts in a diary.
Cliffie, you keep a diary, don't you?
Cliff
I keep a journal, Norm. A journal.
But so help me God, if a man with a thumb answers...Hold on. It's him. It's the thumb guy and you know what that pervert said? "Allo." What's that in English?
I took French in high school. Allo. Allo means..."I've got your girlfriend in my arms, and soon we'll be naked, you stupid cuckold."
Cliff
That's funny, Norm, because I thought it meant..."I got your girlfriend in my arms, and we're already naked, you stupid cuckold."
Stop heckling the poor lad. Woody, it simply means...that "I enjoyed your girlfriend."
I have a new industrial paint sprayer. It gets the job done in a couple of hours.
Cliff
Very clever.
It was invented by the Japanese so they could paint more efficiently, more quickly.
Whereas you will use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, and put off everything until the very last minute.
Right. You see they're way ahead of us in technology but they don't have our creativity.
Cheers · 532 quotes
