Cliff Clavin quotes from Cheers

Cliff

Relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming. I've come up with a plan.

Norm

I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.

Cliff

Tell you what, here's the plan: I go to the hotel in your place, right? I reach in, flick off the light, say "Room service for Dot Carroll". In the meantime, I got a big bag full of wild squirrels with sparklers attached to their tails. I drop 'em in the room; they run around terrified, setting off the alarms and the sprinklers... OK? In the ensuing hub-bub, she forgets all about her little date with you. Trust me - you think a cold shower's a mood killer? Try a bag of wild squirrels.

Norm

Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.

Cliff

That's all right... I already got the squirrels.

Cliff

So, how's the career going, Nick? Last time we chatted you were talking about marketing some kind of slot machine for the home.

Nick

Oh, yeah... "Flush and Win." It was a great idea. The only problem is the people had a difficult time retrieving their change

Cliff

Who'd have thought it, Rebecca and Frasier? What's next, me and Carla!?

Carla

Don't say it, Clavin, don't you even think it!

Sam

That was the low point in my life. Never, ever, have I been naked and not had fun. I tell you it was degradation.

Woody

I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

Paul

How am I ever gonna show my face in here again?

Norm

Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory.

Cliff

You know, I kinda found the whole thing, uh, quite exhilarating.

Norm

Exhilarating?

Cliff

I meant humiliating.

Norm

Okay, Cliff, you want to tell me what's tattooed forever on my butt.

Cliff

It's a big American flag there, Norm. With the motto: "God Bless The U.S. Post Office."

Cliff

What's mine say?

Norm

"I Love Vera."

Sam

Hey, Cliffy. How ya doin'?

Cliff

Not well, Sam. Boy am I mad. I've never been this upset! Three words, fellas. Three words... "Dames is grief"!

Norm

Fighting with ma, huh?

Cliff

Oh and how. Seems like that's all we do anymore. You know, you'd think it'd be a perfect set-up: a mother and a grown son living in a one-bedroom apartment. But, no. Reality check, gentlemen! Life is not like the movies, I guess, huh.

Sam

I'm sure it'll all blow over, Cliffy.

Cliff

Oh, no way, Sammy; not this time. I tell you that broad's pushed me too hard - too hard, I tell ya! And it's about time I started pushin' back. She's just gone and created a monster, that's all. But this monster is not gonna lie in some tomb of ice, no siree. My anger will melt that ice so that I might rise up and... and crush the Tokyo of the buildings there beneath the talons of my animosity...

Frasier

[interrupts] Cliff. Cliff. We all appreciate how hard you're working on this metaphor, but we get the idea.

[about the retirement home] Clifford, are you sure we can afford a place like this?

Cliff

Oh, yeah, Ma. Don't worry. Your insurance policies will cover it.

Oh, that's convenient. You'll have money left for hooch and slatterns.

Cliff

These are your golden years.

Oh, bless your heart. You've given me what every mother dreams of: a tastefully furnished room in which to die among strangers.

Sam

I keep askin' myself: what is the point to life?

Woody

Whew. That's a tough question.

Cliff

Ehh. Well, I got the answer.

Frasier

Somehow I knew you would.

Cliff

Comfortable shoes.

Frasier

Shoes?

Cliff

Yeah. If you're not wearin' comfortable shoes, life is just chaos. I mean the greatest accomplishments in history have been made by men wearin' accommodating shoes. Uh, Frasier, tell me, who do you think is the greatest thinker in all mankind?

Frasier

I don't know, uh... Aristotle.

Cliff

There you go: sandals. Perhaps the most comfortable shoe there is. You hardly even know you have them on. I mean Confucius: thongs. Einstein: loose loafers.