Cliff Clavin quotes from Cheers

Cliff

How's married life treatin' ya? Quite a change, huh?

Frasier

Well you know Lilith and I did live together a year before we wed so other than the fact that I now see it stretching endlessly before me until I lie rotting in the grave, there's no real difference.

Carla

I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable.

Cliff

Why don't you marry him?

Frasier

Explain this to me. If the winner is going to get a kiss from Rebecca, what does the loser get?

Cliff

Well, um, A kiss from Norm!

Norm

Then of course, there is no loser.

Cliff

Yeah, it's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family that we all have two extra teeth. You see, that's the only way we can prove we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne.

Frasier

Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world?

Cliff

[about Martin] How does a guy so young get to be so incredibly powerful?

Woody

I just try to maintain a cheerful attitude and try not abuse my position.

Cliff

Was it my imagination or was that woman coming on to me?

Norm

Cliffie, Walt Disney should've had your imagination.

Cliff

It's sad to say that kids unaccepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown up world.

Norm

Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone an driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?

Cliff

Yep! 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.

Norm

How about those who sit next to them?

Cliff

You know any female that rides around with Sammy in the car ends up going straight to bed with him.

Rebecca

I've ridden in that car.

Norm

Right.

Rebecca

Well I didn't go to bed with him.

Norm

Right and they always deny it afterwards.

Cliff

As a business man you really have a lot to be desired. You know you haven't had a job in three months.

Norm

Cliff, you're absolutely right. I could do something about that or I can sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day. Since I'm already here...

Norm

For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?

Cliff

It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.

Carla

Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?

Sam

At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.

Norm

What are you going to do about that sister?

Sam

Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.

Cliff

You gonna take her out tomorrow night?

Sam

No, take her out in a couple of hours.

Cliff

You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.

Carla

So do your loafers.

Norm

Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.

Frasier

How can you go back to a room full of people that think you're a total idiot? How do you do it Cliff?

Cliff

I don't really like to divulge-- Hey!

Woody

Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.

Cliff

Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.

Norm

I didn't have any cheese doodles.

Cliff

Last night you did.

Norm

I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?

Cliff, when you get out of the service, could we go out together?

Cliff

You know Doris, there's actually no rule against mailmen dating women. It just sort of turns out that way.