Diane Chambers quotes from Cheers

Carla

Diane, I heard screams.

Diane

Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.

Carla

Was I the one who was murdering you?

Diane

No.

Carla

Was I helping in any way?

Diane

Sam, I'm sorry. I feel awful. You were right. Please accept my apology.

Sam

Oh, forget it, Diane. I forgive you. "The quality of mercy is not strained; it droppeth as the gentle rain from Heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: it blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

Diane

Thank you, Sam. What did you say?

Sam

I think you heard me.

Diane

Yes, but YOU said it.

Sam

[puts on his smoking jacket; Diane is astounded] Come on, Diane. You really didn't believe that buffoonish façade that I've been perpetrating for the benefit of my blue-collar clientele did you?

Diane

I would like to see you in your office. I have something I want to give you.

Sam

How about a spanking? I think I deserve it.

Cliff

Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.

Diane

Eight, I was premature.

Carla

Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.

Carla

So, um, you like kids, huh?

Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.

Carla!

Carla

It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]

Carla

Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?

Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.

Carla

You're weird... I like that.

Sam

Why don't you just admit that you're nuts about me and you can't stand seeing me going out with other women, so you tried to eliminate the competition?

Diane

Sam... your hormones have staged a "coup d'etat" on your brain.

Sam

Ah, no, no. Don't, don't try to distract me with hormone talk.

Diane

At what age did you have your first sexual encounter?

Sam

Oh, alright, that's more like it. Okay, uh...[looks at her notes] "Trevor – A Case Study". Who, who's Trevor?

Diane

That's you.

Sam

You're not gonna use my name?

Diane

Of course not.

Sam

So... I do all the work and this "Trevor" guy gets the credit?

Diane

Sam this is not your resumé. In a psychological treatise real names are never used.

Sam

Yeah, but at least I should be able to choose my own name. I mean, how ‘bout "Duke"?

Diane

This is my paper and I like Trevor.

Sam

Alright, alright. Well, where were we? You, uh, wanted to know about my first time, right?

Diane

Yes. How old were you?

Sam

Well, uh, boy, I'm not sure. Uh, I know I couldn't get to her house until the crossing guard showed up. Wow. First time is kind of hard to remember. What about your first time?

Diane

I'm the scientist, Sam. My first time has nothing to do with this. Now, what about your second encounter?

Sam

Well, that would be the crossing guard.

Sam

I'm in big, big trouble. I did something that, it felt so right – but now it, it turns out to be all wrong.

Diane

What's her name and how many months?

Diane

Hello, everyone.

Diane

Oh, come on, what kind of a greeting is that? When Norm comes in you all yell 'Norm!' and make a big fuss over him. Is it asking too much for me to get the same treatment every once in a while?

Sam

She's right. Try it again, sweetheart.

Diane

Yeah. Thanks.

Diane

Hello, everyone.

Norm!

Diane

[pauses] That's better.

Diane

Good Lord, Sam. Have you been swimming laps in that cologne of yours?

Sam

No. I just dropped the bottle all over the floor in there. Another two dollars and fifty cents down the drain.

Diane

Ah, the big bottle.

Sam

Aw, come on, man. Just 'cause he looks like a spy and acts like a spy doesn't mean he is a spy, does it?

Norm

I think it pretty much does, Sam. You don't suppose this guy is with, like, the CIA or FBI or anything, do you?

Cliff

Ah, could be.

Sam

Alright, let's go over the four things we know about him: He's been here since we opened, he's not drinking, he's not waiting for a table upstairs... Actually, that's only three. Anybody else know anything?

Diane

You're an idiot!

Sam

That would be four, then.

Diane

Do this for me and I'll owe you a big big favor. That doesn't involve sex, sex, or sex.

Sam

How about sex?

Diane

Or sex.

Frasier

Oh, great. And I just bought three Italian suits.

Diane

Oh, shut up, Frasier!

Diane

Look at all the people who've fallen hopelessly in love with me with only the slightest encouragement. You, Frasier...

Sam

Yourself.

Diane

Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Methinks the man doth protest too much.

Woody

Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?

Carla

Not in your case, Woody.