Diane Chambers quotes from Cheers

Diane

You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.

Sam

I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.

Diane

I don't think you dumped me.

Sam

Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.

Cliff

Yeah, he's got six.

Diane

Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.

Carla

There's some things he doesn't know about me.

Diane

Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?

Carla

Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.

Diane

What haven't you told him about your kids?

Carla

That they live.

Diane

There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.

Frasier

I know that.

Diane

What?

Frasier

Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.

Diane

So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.

Frasier

Yes.

Diane

Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?

Frasier

Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.

Diane

Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.

Frasier

No, but it's what guys do, darling... we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

Diane

Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.

Carla

If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

Diane

Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?

Coach

Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.

Diane

Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?

Carla

You.

Coach

[about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time -- he sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.

Diane

Miss Purdy?

Coach

Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.

Diane

And Sam is her favorite?

Coach

Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.

Diane

They kiss?

Coach

Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.

Diane

With probing tongues?

Coach

No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.

Diane

Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.

Carla

Your Living Bra died of boredom?

Sam

I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice – my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?

Diane

An anthill.

Carla

Hey, wait. I got an idea.

Diane

You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.

Carla

Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Diane

Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.

Frasier

Hmm.

Diane

Hmm, what?

Frasier

Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.

Diane

Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.

Frasier

Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!

Diane

Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.

Nick

Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?

Frasier

I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair?

Nick

No, but you're not the first person to ask me.

Frasier

Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.

Sam

Europe? Overseas?

Diane

Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Sam

Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.

Diane

Thank you, Sam.

Sam

After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-

Diane

When did we ever travel?

Sam

Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.

Diane

Well it helps that you knew the language.

Diane

I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?

Sam

You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.

Diane

For the first time in my life I let appearance taint my feelings towards a man.

Sam

Boy, you know what's wrong with you? You just can't be honest with yourself. Looks are all that ever mattered to you.

Diane

What are you talking about? That is utterly inaccurate.

Sam

Oh yeah. You want me to prove it to you?

Diane

Yes.

Sam

Who were you more crazy about than anyone else in your entire life? Not including yourself there. It was me. And there was only one reason you ever went out with me and that was because of my looks.

Diane

Not entirely.

Sam

Yes, entirely. Name one other reason why anyone would go out with me. Come on. Name one. You can't, can you?

Diane

[smiling] No Sam, I can't.