Carla Tortelli quotes from Cheers

Frasier

Sam, I've come to a very important decision. I've just taken stock of myself.

Carla

It's not exactly AT&T, is it?

Frasier

I'm going to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. In order to do that I've got to hit rock bottom first.

Carla

For you, that's three flights up.

Sam

Carla, you want to see if anyone in the back has open wounds to salt.

Sam

Maybe she came on too strong. Some guys don't like that.

Cliff

Well, I know how the lad feels. In the, uh, mating ritual I like to be the aggressor. ‘Course, uh, I don't mind the woman giving me a clear signal that I caught her eye.

Carla

You mean like sticking a finger down her throat?

Cliff

Well Carla, it is common knowledge I'm scientifically handy. As a matter of fact I spent a good part of my youth in a laboratory.

Carla

And you'd still be there today if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you how to open your cage.

Forget him, my father's a bum.

Carla

Hey don't you talk about your father that way.

Okay he's a sleazy bum.

Carla

That's better.

Carla

Diane, I heard screams.

Diane

Oh I dreamt I was being murdered.

Carla

Was I the one who was murdering you?

Diane

No.

Carla

Was I helping in any way?

Cliff

Come on Diane. She's your ma. She carried you for nine months.

Diane

Eight, I was premature.

Carla

Couldn't wait to get out and start yappin'.

Sam

Hey, look at this: a letter for Carla Tortelli.

Carla

What?

Sam

[withholds the letter, teasing her] Hmm, my goodness.

Carla

Let me see. Come on.

Sam

What's the magic word?

Carla

Gelding!

Sam

That's the one. [gives her the letter]

Carla

So, um, you like kids, huh?

Like 'em? I love 'em! I got seven of my own.

Carla!

Carla

It's okay, I'm only joking. [she goes out to Vinnie]

Carla

Hey, Vinnie, could you do me a favor? Just for tonight could you pretend that your name is Mitch and that you're an airline pilot?

Well, I guess... if you'll call yourself Raven and pretend you're a Vegas showgirl.

Carla

You're weird... I like that.

Oh, look. You both seem like nice people, huh?. Do yourselves a favor – don't hire me.

Norm

Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, but, uh, we, uh, we're quite serious about this.

You don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.

Carla

And that's just when you see the bill.

My cousin – she's a pistol.

Sam

Bowling?

Carla

I've got this theory, Sam. You see all those other sports require real athletic ability but with bowling we got the makings of a great team.

Sam

Carla...

Carla

Listen. Listen. Any bowling alley what do you see? A bunch of out of shape, big couch potatoes who do nothin' but sit around and swill beer.

Norm

All right. We're number one.

Cliff

Italian imports – sixty-five smackeroonies. That's right, notice the, uh, sleek European styling there, the sturdy reinforced frames and the high tech shatterproof reflective lenses that allow me to scope out the dollies without, uh, drawing attention to myself.

Carla

You could walk up to ‘em naked with your hair on fire and not draw attention to yourself.

Cliff

How would you know? They only work on women.

Carla

They seem to have given you courage.

Norm

What do you supposed happened to him?

Cliff

It's obvious, isn't it? My father didn't trust me so he gave me the slip out of the bathroom window. I guess I'll, uh, just go home. (dejected, he starts to leave)

Carla

But, you're ruling out the other possibility.

Cliff

What other possibility?

Carla

Well, it's a little known fact, but more and more people have been going into men's rooms and vaporizing. I mean just disappearing into thin air. It's an unexplained phenomenon.

Norm

It's kinda like, uh, the Bermuda Triangle.

Carla

That's right.

Cliff

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get serious, will you.

Carla

Have it your way.

Cliff

Well, you know, however, uh, this much is true: you know, uh, it's been recent sightings of, uh, human beings being, uh, shot up into the underbelly of alien spacecraft. You know, and speaking of the Bermuda Triangle... it's not technically a triangle.

Woody

It's not?

Cliff

Heck no! It's a "trapazedarhomboid". Perfect for, uh, attracting Martian spacecraft.

Carla

[to an upset Diane] What is it this time, bleach bag?

Sam

Carla, I'm the employer here. I can handle this. What is it this time, bleach bag?

Diane

Does Sam's behavior give you pause? Methinks the man doth protest too much.

Woody

Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks"?

Carla

Not in your case, Woody.

Carla

Sam Malone never ages. It's one of life's great truths. Let me tell you something Sammy, when you're 87 you'll still be a hunk to me. Of course I'll be senile and blind.

Sam

And pregnant.

Carla

Yeah, probably.