Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers

Lilith

You should be decorating professionally.

Norm

Doing you folks a favor is one thing. Anymore of this interior decorating junk could really eat into my reputation as a lazy, beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.

Frasier

But Norm, you have a gift.

Norm

A gift? Try a curse, pal. I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to put the ottoman.

Norm

I can't go on with this any longer. I wanted to be your decorator so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be but it's time I came out of the closet. I'm straight.

Impossible.

Norm

Ever since I was a little boy I've known that I prefer girls. But the point is I think you should judge people for what they do not for who they do.

Norm

[about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?

Frasier

Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?

Sam

Yeah, is he still in the hospital?

Norm

I don't know. How's he doin'?

Sam

I thought you were gonna go see him.

Norm

Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]

Sam

Fellas it's late. You've had a few beers, you'll agree to anything.

Norm

Damn right, we will.

Sam

I'm sittin' at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knees and says "Sam, I want you." Then I feel the daughter reach over and grabs the other knee and she says "I want you too, Sammy."

Norm

Well yeah yeah.

Sam

Then I woke up. You know what this dream means don't you?

Norm

It means you even dream better than we do.

Carla

Woody, you don't know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, those guys at Gary's are vicious. They could strip you naked, paint you red, and put you on a subway.

Woody

They wouldn't do that.

Carla

They did it to me. But I got the best of them.

Norm

How's that?

Carla

[laughing] I loved it.

Woody

Hey Mr. Peterson there's a cold one waitin' for ya.

Norm

I know, and if she calls I'm not here.

Rebecca

I don't know what got into me. Please apologize to Vera.

Norm

Are you kidding? After that Vera should apologize to me.

Cliff

Was it my imagination or was that woman coming on to me?

Norm

Cliffie, Walt Disney should've had your imagination.

Cliff

It's sad to say that kids unaccepted by their peers really never learn how to get along with people in the big grown up world.

Norm

Why is that, Cliff? 'Cause they keep boring everyone an driving them crazy with long speeches filled with meaningless statistics?

Cliff

Yep! 63% of them live lives of quiet desperation.

Norm

How about those who sit next to them?

Cliff

You know any female that rides around with Sammy in the car ends up going straight to bed with him.

Rebecca

I've ridden in that car.

Norm

Right.

Rebecca

Well I didn't go to bed with him.

Norm

Right and they always deny it afterwards.

Cliff

As a business man you really have a lot to be desired. You know you haven't had a job in three months.

Norm

Cliff, you're absolutely right. I could do something about that or I can sit right here and feel sorry for myself and nurse this beer all day. Since I'm already here...

Sam

What kind of problem should I make up?

Carla

Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.

Norm

Anything come of it?

Carla

Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.

Norm

Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.

Carla

You are a failure.

Norm

Then I've licked it.

Norm

For God's sake. Are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?

Cliff

It's not my vegetable, Norm. It belongs to the whole world.

Carla

Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?

Rebecca

Isn't Eddie sweet? Why can't more men send flowers?

Sam

I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.

Rebecca

I said "more men", not Mormon.

Sam

I know they can't dance.

Norm

No Sam, that's the Amish.

Sam

Then why can't Mormons send flowers?

Rebecca

They can!! I just wish someone would send me some damn flowers!

Sam

So why does it have to be a Mormon?

Rebecca

Oh! [walks away]

Sam

Some people you just can't discuss religion with.