Norm Peterson quotes from Cheers

Woody

What's goin' on, Mr. Peterson?

Norm

The flashing side of my gut that says "insert beer here."

Sam

At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.

Norm

What are you going to do about that sister?

Sam

Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.

Cliff

You gonna take her out tomorrow night?

Sam

No, take her out in a couple of hours.

Cliff

You know it's quite remarkable. To float something as heavy as a wedge of lime, beer must have quite a high buoyancy factor.

Carla

So do your loafers.

Norm

Call me old-fashioned Cliff, but the only thing I like floating in my beer is my liver.

Norm

Today I had to choose between two really great jobs. Couldn't make up my mind.

Woody

What'd you do?

Norm

I skipped them both and came in here. I think I made the right choice.

Norm

I'm sorry, I've never hired anyone before, I wouldn't know what to ask.

Okay, but while you're thinking about it, let me buy you a beer.

Norm

You're hired!

Carla

I told you he was my husband. I had twins with Eddie.

So what? So did I.

Norm

Yikes.

Carla

At least mine don't give you warts when you touch them.

Carla

It's not fair. I swear I get all the disadvantages of being married and none of the perks.

Norm

Wait, there are perks?

Woody

Now this customer stuff is gonna be great. You know usually I'm so busy working, I miss out on all the witty conversations that go on around here.

Cliff

Norm, you seem to have a little cheese doodle dust in the corner there.

Norm

I didn't have any cheese doodles.

Cliff

Last night you did.

Norm

I did? [licks lips] Wow that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?

Woody

Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?

Norm

Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Sam

We no longer think of ourselves as three individuals. We are three parts of the same machine, working together. Three people with one single purpose.

Carla

Not to drown.

Sam

All right, two single purposes; not to drown and win the race.

Norm

What about you know not getting all wet and getting all sick?

Sam

All right three single purposes.

Carla

How about buying the bar back?

Sam

Does anyone have a piece of paper?

Carla

Sammy, blind me with you beauty. What's with the fashion statement?

Sam

I had to look good. I had a meeting over at the corporation about buying Cheers.

Cliff

How'd it go?

Sam

I talked them into it. They're going to sell me the bar back. [Everyone cheers] I'm not out of the woods yet. I've got to raise a little bit more capital. I have to find myself a few investors. [Frasier, Norm, and the ride side of the bar move away] No not you. I'm talking about people with real money.

Norm

What's the matter, Sam? Our money's not good enough for you?

Sam

That's right.

Norm

Okay, for a second there I was offended.

Norm

It looks like you'll have to bury the auditor in paperwork. Get your hands on all your receipts, if you don't have them, make them up

Carla

That's illegal

Norm

Okay, if you don't wanna...

Carla

No, the kids will love it! We'll make it a family project!

Alex

And here are the categories for you, "Civil Servants", "Stamps From Around The World", "Mothers And Sons", "Beer", "Bar Trivia", and finally, "Celibacy".

Woody

Man, this has to be Mr. Clavin's dream board.

Norm

Sure. He's home free as long as he doesn't get too cocky.

Alex

Cliff, can I get you to pick a category and an amount?

Cliff

Why don't you go ahead and pick any one you want? I mean, I am feeling lucky today! Woah!

Norm

Uh oh.

Alex

And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you. Both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses, and what that means is that even if you're wrong, and as long as you didn't do anything foolish, like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.

Cliff

Well then, we don't have to see my answer, do we, Alex? [Places his jacket over his monitor.] I will see you at the Tournament of Champions.

Alex

[Taking the jacket from Cliff's monitor.] Cliff, we're running out of time, and we are gonna have to take a look at your response. You wrote down... "Who are three people who've never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry, that too is wrong. The correct response is "Who are the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?"

Cliff

Well, be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.

Alex

Well, I'm sure they haven't. But obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.

Cliff

Obvious to who?

Alex

Cliff, it's all right. You don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet... 22,000 Big Ones! Takes you down to $0. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?

Cliff

It's because I knew that those people have never been in my kitchen! You can ask them, come on! Tony Curtis is still alive! Get them on the phone. Go ahead! I'll pay for the call.

Alex

It isn't gonna work Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 isn't a big total, but today, that is gonna make you Jeopardy! champion. Congratulations.

Cliff

No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions. You saw me America!

Norm

Come on, let's leave now, nobody will know we were with him. [Woody and Norm leave from the audience]

Cliff

Tony Curtis, if you're out there and you can hear me, call in and I'll split the pot with you! Oh for crying out loud, look at. Any mail carriers out there?

Alex

You know it's a funny thing. You spend years hosting a show and you get into the habit of thinking there's just one correct question for every answer. But life doesn't always work out that way. The world is much more complex and you discover many different ways of looking at the universe.

Cliff

Yeah, so what are you going to do?

Alex

I think I'm going to quit my job as host of "Jeopardy!" Maybe spend a little time in Tibet.

Cliff

Oh no Alex, just sit down here. I mean you don't know what you're saying.

Alex

Wait a minute, how can I go on hosting the program if I'm filled with all these doubts?

Cliff

Alright Alex, think about what "Jeopardy!" means to America. It's more than just a game show. I mean, it's as much of the part of national fabric as the postal uniform I wear with pride every single day.

Alex

So you think I should stay as host of "Jeopardy!"?

Cliff

Absolutely.

Alex

And you won't bear me any ill will if I do?

Cliff

Oh, bite your tongue!

Alex

All right, it's settled. I'm going to stay as the host of "Jeopardy!"

Cliff

Oh thank goodness Alex! Hey, hey, you hear that everybody? I saved "Jeopardy!" I'm going to go call Ma, she'll get a big kick out of this!

Norm

Hey Alex, that's alright, you're a regular guy. Coming in here to make Cliff feel better. That's great.

Alex

I just came in here for a beer but I saw Cliff and I figured I better say something so I made up that story about quitting. He scares me.

Norm

You too, huh?