Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Sam

Hey Diane, shoot the damn film.

Diane

Would you tell Fellini, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Antonioni, shoot the damn film? Would you tell Bergman, shoot the damn film?

Sam

No, I'm telling you. Shoot the damn film.

Carla

Better yet, shoot the damn Diane.

Sam

That's it. We have always done things your way. I have bent over backwards to make you happy. I bought the ring you wanted. The china you wanted. The crystal you wanted. I even agreed to have a duvet cover on my bed. I don't know what a duvet is or what it's supposed to cover. When are we going to do something that I want to do?

Diane

May I remind you we're going to Disney World for our honeymoon.

Sam

Big deal. Who isn't?

Sam

I'm not ready to own a home. You got to work up to that.

Norm

Sammy's right. It's a big responsibility. You got lawns to mow. You got plumbing to fix, gutters to clean. Then every couple of years you've got to paint the entire thing from top to bottom. Honestly I don't know where Vera gets the energy.

Frasier

Norm, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Norm

Yeah, I guess I should, shouldn't I? Well thank God I'm not.

Sam

Hey, have a good life.

Diane

Have a good life?

Sam

What?

Diane

Well, that's something you say when somethings over. Sam, I'm going away for six months. That's all. So no more of this 'Have a good life' stuff.

Sam

You never know. You could die, I could die, the world could end. One of us could bump our heads and wander the streets the rest of our lives with amnesia. Or maybe, one of us will decide we want something else.

Diane

None of those things will happen. I'll be back here. I will. I'll see you in six months, OK?

Sam

Have a good life....

Sam

[about Diane] I was afraid I was going to walk in here today and see her face everywhere I looked. Instead what I saw was all these silly changes you made.

Rebecca

I happen to think it's...

Sam

No, no, it's good. It helped me. What I'm trying to say is this place is the closest thing I have close to a real home. I want to come back. Please.

Rebecca

I'm very sorry, Mr. Malone. I wish I could help.

Rebecca

Well you used to be the boss. How did you feel when people lied to you?

Sam

I had a rule, when anyone ever lied to me they had to go to bed with me.

Rebecca

That's one way to make sure it won't happen again.

Sam

What am I going to do about this?

Frasier

Sam, may I suggest deception?

Cliff

Well hold onto your horses there, Frasier. I mean as a psychiatrist isn't your job to seek and uphold the truth?

Frasier

Get real, Cliff.

Eddie

What is so bad? Twins means we're twice blessed.

Sam

Yeah, I had twins once and it was the happiest day of my life.

Woody

Hey Sam, what are you concocting there?

Sam

You know how superstitious Carla and Eddie are, I thought I'd mix them up a batch of my good luck wedding punch. It never fails.

Woody

Isn't that the same stuff you made when you were getting married to Miss Chambers?

Sam

[pause] Woody, you want to flush this down the toilet?

Sam

How you been there, Frasier?

Frasier

You know how it is for a psychiatrist this day in age. Divorces. Hopelessness over financial situations. Rampant paranoia. Thriving, never better.

Frasier

[about Lillith] Oh God I'm losing her, Sam.

Sam

Will you stop that? You're my friend, I'm never going to take a woman away from you.

Frasier

What about Diane?

Sam

And didn't God punish me with a vengeance?

Frasier

Well, yes, but gee whiz.

Sam

What's got you so upset?

Frasier

Some college professor has just published an article that refutes everything I said in my last paper.

Cliff

Sounds like a shoot out at the Cuckoo Corral.

Sam

How's life treatin' ya?

Norm

It's not Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't.

Carla

[about Rebecca] Ah, well don't feel bad Sam. Just because everybody else got her something. The pretzel salesman, the beer distributor, the relief bartender, the guy she fired after one day.

Sam

Yeah, yeah. Wait a minute though. All those guys were just trying to get her into the sack.

Sam

I've got some shopping to do!

Sam

Hey Carla. I got a present for Rebecca.

Carla

[noticing the woman with Sam] I see you picked up a little package for yourself, too.

Sam

Hey, why not? I've been a good boy, and it's just what I asked for.