Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

[referring to Diane] I understand you used to date that woman.

Sam

That's right.

How much would it take to start things up again?

Sam

You don't have enough money.

How do you know?

Sam

There isn't enough money.

Sam

I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.

Diane

Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who who has to write "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.

Sam

Isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?

Diane

No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Diane

[about Carla] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.

Sam

You do have that effect on people.

Diane

You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.

Sam

I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.

Diane

I don't think you dumped me.

Sam

Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.

Cliff

Yeah, he's got six.

Sam

There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.

Frasier

Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.

Sam

You're dating a barmaid.

Frasier

Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.

Sam

Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.

Sam

I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice – my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?

Diane

An anthill.

Sam

What will you have, Norm?

Norm

Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.

Sam

It looks like beer, Norm.

Norm

Call me Mr. Lucky.

Frasier

Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.

Sam

Europe? Overseas?

Diane

Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Sam

Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.

Diane

Thank you, Sam.

Sam

After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-

Diane

When did we ever travel?

Sam

Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.

Diane

Well it helps that you knew the language.

Sam

Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?

Cliff

And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Diane

I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?

Sam

You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.

Sam

Well do you think I should go through with this?

Norm

I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.

Sam

I'm goin'.

Norm

That's what I'd do.

Sam

Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.

Woody

Hi ma'am.

Carla

Ma'am? What's that supposed to mean?

Woody

I believe it's a term of respect.

Carla

No wonder it sounded so weird.

Sam

What do you say, Norm?

Norm

Any cheap tawdry thing that will get me a beer.