Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Diane

Coach has lost his sweet disposition. he's turned into a tyrant.

Sam

Yeah, but he's winning Diane and winning is the most important thing here.

Diane

Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.

Sam

Well good then, you won't mind losing this argument.

Diane

Over my dead body.

Sam

Hey, don't bring last night into this.

Sam

Coach, we don't want to be bothered.

Coach

Who does?

Sam

Somebody wants you at another table.

Diane

Who?

Sam

Everybody at this one.

Sam

This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.

Diane

Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?

Sam

No, it's English.

Diane

In your case that qualifies.

Carla

I know everything about you, Malone.

Sam

Yeah, right.

Carla

Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.

Sam

Right across the board. You do know me.

Carla

A lot better than you know me.

Sam

Yeah?

Carla

Yeah.

Sam

Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.

Carla

I didn't think anybody knew that.

Sam

I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.

Carla

What?

Sam

You go to Mass every Sunday.

Carla

Who squealed on me?!

Sam

[about being named one of the sexiest bachelors] Besides it gave me a chance to air some of my political issues.

Diane

What political issues did you air your views on?

Sam

I told them I thought nuclear war would be bad news.

Diane

Oh Sam, you stirred up a hornet's nest there.

Sam

Really? Well I can always say I was misquoted.

Diane

Oh, I see when they say eligible bachelors they mean eligible for a brain transplant.

Diane

Oh my God Sam, I've made you a babbling idiot.

Sam

Who are you calling a babbling idiot?

Diane

You don't have to get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.

Sam

You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor let me criticize me for awhile. You're sickening.

Diane

Do you know the difference between you and a fat, braying ass?

Sam

Nope.

Diane

The fat, braying ass would.

Sam

Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours.

Diane

How dare you slap me!

Diane

Don't you ever hit me again!

Sam

Like hell.

Sam

I didn't start drinking when she left, I was celebrating. [to Diane] Celebrating the day I got rid of you. You hear that everybody?

Celebrating.

Diane

Well let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.

Sam

Just one more time: you did not walk out of here. I kicked you out and I would do it again except that no man deserves that much pleasure in one's life.

Sam

I could get out of prison after twelve years, serve on an all male ship for another four and be dropped on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters day after day and if one day Diane walked out of the surf naked, all I'd want from her is the hockey scores.

Diane

And you wouldn't even get that!

Sam

Is there anything I can do?

Diane

No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.

Carla

He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Diane

I haven't had such a good time since uh....

Sam

That's okay. I know when you stopped having a good time, Diane.

Diane

It goes without saying I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.

Sam

Me too.

Diane

It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.

Sam

There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.

Norm

[to Cliff] He's added one.

Sam

Coach, I'm gonna be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm lookin' for in a woman.

Diane

What's that? Break-away clothes?

Sam

You heard from Irene?

Coach

Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?

Sam

No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.