Sam Malone quotes from Cheers

Norm

[about their conversation] Yeah, why wasn't it the stupidest?

Frasier

Well frankly it lacks meaningless statistics and inane historical trivia. Say where is Cliff anyway?

Sam

Yeah, is he still in the hospital?

Norm

I don't know. How's he doin'?

Sam

I thought you were gonna go see him.

Norm

Well I tried. I mean I got as far as the hospital lobby but you know that smell of alcohol makes me really queasy. [motions for a beer refill]

Rebecca

The Globe's doing an article on women who run pubs and now he wants to take my picture. I really dread this.

Sam

Why?

Rebecca

Because I get so tensed up in front of a camera. All of a sudden I look like something the cat coughed up.

Carla

Oooh, can I have an 8x10 for my mantlepiece?

Rebecca

How about a 2x4 for your bridgework?

Rebecca

[about sky diving] I just think it's really exciting - the danger of drifting through space. You know, talk about a turn on.

Sam

Please do.

Sam

Fellas it's late. You've had a few beers, you'll agree to anything.

Norm

Damn right, we will.

Sam

I'm sittin' at a table in this restaurant with Judy and Laurie. The mother reaches over and grabs my knees and says "Sam, I want you." Then I feel the daughter reach over and grabs the other knee and she says "I want you too, Sammy."

Norm

Well yeah yeah.

Sam

Then I woke up. You know what this dream means don't you?

Norm

It means you even dream better than we do.

Sam

Sweetheart, I've handled trickier situations than this before. Remember the time I dated those lovely Henshaw triplets all at the same time.

Carla

Sammy first of all, that was back when you were drinking like a fish, and second of all, that was one chick.

Sam

Let me see here, Rebecca Howe all alone and scared in a big old house. Sounds to me like a job for Sammy's Security Company, we get in before the burglars do!

Carla

That's what I like about you Sam; your pants are always thinkin'.

Rebecca

Sam, did you come out here because you were concerned I was scared? Or did you come out here to get me in the sack?

Sam

Hey I came out here because I was concerned and scared that I would never get you in the sack.

Lilith

Lay your hands upon me everyone, I am life. I am mother. My man's seed is nourished within me. [To Sam] Touch my breasts, my friend, I am lactating.

Sam

Boy, I tell ya, this is kind of a first for me, uh, but I'm gonna pass.

Sam

What kind of problem should I make up?

Carla

Well how about this, I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist and he said the kid had kleptomania.

Norm

Anything come of it?

Carla

Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.

Norm

Or you could try using my problem. I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.

Carla

You are a failure.

Norm

Then I've licked it.

Sam

Answer the question, what do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?

Rebecca

Come on Sam, you're a passionate guy. I bet you have a lot of things you care deeply about.

Sam

Yeah, like what?

Rebecca

Sailing.

Sam

Babes on waves. See, the doctor was right. I'm a shallow guy.

Rebecca

Isn't Eddie sweet? Why can't more men send flowers?

Sam

I didn't know Mormons couldn't send flowers.

Rebecca

I said "more men", not Mormon.

Sam

I know they can't dance.

Norm

No Sam, that's the Amish.

Sam

Then why can't Mormons send flowers?

Rebecca

They can!! I just wish someone would send me some damn flowers!

Sam

So why does it have to be a Mormon?

Rebecca

Oh! [walks away]

Sam

Some people you just can't discuss religion with.

Sam

At this very moment, Rebecca Howe is in her house spending two hours getting into an outfit she's gonna spend two minutes getting out of.

Norm

What are you going to do about that sister?

Sam

Oh, I already made a phone call to postpone our date.

Cliff

You gonna take her out tomorrow night?

Sam

No, take her out in a couple of hours.

Sam

Carla, you hate your sister, don't you?

Carla

Sure, why?

Sam

What would I have to do to get the two of you back together again?

Carla

Simple, Sam. Ask me to come down and identify her body.

Frasier

Why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?

Well you know she hates to travel. Besides we decided this was a perfect opportunity to test my theories about martial fidelity. And I'm glad to say that after 10 months of celibacy, I can how pronounce my principles sound.

Sam

After 10 months of celibacy I couldn't even pronounce my name.