Chris Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Phoebe

I mean, just because I could feel some glimmer of Piper's feelings doesn't mean she can. She's completely cut off from them.

Chris

Wait, wait, wait, hold it. Isn't there a spell that allows somebody to feel what you feel? Which in this case would be Piper feeling what you're feeling Piper should be feeling... Did that make any sense?

Paige

Um, frightening, it did.

Paige

Well, then the question is how do we get close enough to her without her kicking our butts?

Phoebe

I could use my new power to counteract hers.

Chris

How do you figure?

Phoebe

Well, our powers are emotion-based, right? If I can channel Piper's feelings, why can't I channel her powers? And then use them against her.

Leo

Chris, what are you doing sitting around here? Aren't you supposed to be getting to know your new charge?

Oh, hi, Leo.

Chris

Okay, look, before you get mad, you're the one who wanted me to have a charge in the first place. Remember?

Leo

To protect her.

Oh, he was using protection.

Chris

Yeah, I don't think that's what he meant.

Phoebe

She's at her new temp job.

Chris

She's still on that kick?

Piper

It's not a kick, Chris. It's her quest for happiness outside of magic.

Chris

Yeah, but it's a temp job. Who finds happiness on a temp job?

Piper

How did you know they weren't us?

Chris

In all my life I have never seen you take the bait the way that witch took it from you.

Phoebe

In all your life? But you've only been our Whitelighter for two months.

Chris

Let's just reverse the magic.

Chris

You're okay?

Leo

Thanks for not listening to me.

Chris

Any time.

Chris

I don't understand, why can't we orb?

Leo

Prehistoric. Magic won't be around until there's people around to use it.

Chris

Perfect. We'll just hang out for the next million years or so, no problem.

Leo

More like sixty-five million. It's the cretaceous period.

Chris

Man, you are old.

Piper

Paige, where have you been? You're late.

Paige

I know, I'm sorry. I got tied up.

Phoebe

Where? At Richard's?

Paige

No, I was at work. Get your mind out of the gutter, missy.

Phoebe

Hey, you're the one that orbs home to find lingerie.

Paige

Two times! I did that twice.

Piper

Yeah, it's about the only time we ever see you anymore.

Paige

Why did I come here? To get picked on?

Phoebe

Because we love you.

Piper

We kinda miss you.

Paige

I am not at Richard's that much. Fine! Maybe I am. But, you know, I am just an orb away if you need help.

Piper

Yeah, the thing is, we just gotta be careful. Because if we stray too far away from each other, demons take advantage. We've learned that lesson the hard way a few times.

Paige

I know, I know, I get it. I just really don't wanna think of us living together in fifty years.

Piper

Naaah, twenty, thirty years, tops.

Phoebe

We can always move to Hong Kong so I can see Jason whenever I want.

Piper

How do you say "dream on" in Chinese?

Piper

Impressive.

Phoebe

Berlitz. Okay, what about you, missy? Spill it!

Piper

Spill what?

Phoebe

Come on, you and Greg? Put out any fires lately?

Piper

Is that supposed to be a subtle fireman reference?

Phoebe

Yeah, you like it?

Paige

Wait a minute. You're going out with a fire-fighter?

Piper

Proof positive. You haven't been around much.

Phoebe

Let's see, they've been seeing each other for about three weeks, and someone, I won't say who, although it's not the fireman, is avoiding taking it to the next step.

Piper

I'm not avoiding. I'm just a little reluctant, that's all.

Paige

My dear, it is time to get back in the saddle.

Piper

Now a cowboy reference.

Phoebe

Piper, you just need to relax and let it happen.

Piper

Yeah, easy for you to say. You weren't sleeping with an angel for three years.

Phoebe

Yeah, but you were nervous when you and Leo first started, you know? I seem to remember that you used to freeze him during all the good parts. Hey, maybe you should...

Piper

No. I'm not freezing Greg. I'm so nervous, I'd probably blow him up.

Phoebe

Well?

Piper

Gutter, gutter, gutter.

Chris

What are you guys talking about?

Phoebe

Stuff.

Paige

Hey, where you going?

Chris

I gotta go work on the next demon... stration.

Phoebe

Chris, why don't you relax and have a drink with us?

Chris

Thanks, but I didn't come here to relax.

Phoebe

(about Chris, after he leaves) That is one bitchy whitelighter.

Piper

You're telling me.

Paige

Hey Piper, why don't you go talk to the guilt machine over there?

Phoebe

Hm.

Wyatt

Welcome home, Chris.

Chris

Hello Wyatt.

Wyatt

They're no threat to me. Et Tu, Chris? Of all the people to betray me.

Chris

I didn't go back to betray you, Wyatt. I went back to save you.

Wyatt

Save me? From what?

Chris

From whatever evil it was that turned you.

Wyatt

That's always been your problem, Chris. Stuck in the old good versus evil morals. I'm so past that. It's all about power, it's as simple as that.

Chris

And whoever has the most power wins, is that it?

Wyatt

That's it. That's why I keep this museum intact. To remind everyone the power from which I was born and that which I possess.

Chris

Too bad the rest of the city isn't fairing as well as your shrine here.

Wyatt

You know, if anyone else tried what you tried, I'd kill them on the spot. But you... I've forgiven Bianca, I can forgive you too. If you promise never to cross me again.

Chris

I think you know me better than that.

Wyatt

I thought you said you could talk some sense into him.

Chris

Leave her out of this!

Piper

Where's Wyatt?

Chris

He's in the living room.

Phoebe

What about Grams?

Leo

She... didn't make it. (The basement door opens. Grams walks out, coughing.)

Grams

Nonsense. You can't damage an old war horse like me. I'm already dead.

Phoebe

I need you to be honest with me. No games, no running away. Just the truth.

Chris

Okay.

Phoebe

Are you Wyatt's little brother?

Chris

(sighs) ... Only if I can get Piper and Leo back together in time.

Phoebe

I've been calling for you all week, didn't you hear me?

Chris

For the first couple of days, yeah. Then I put you on mute.

Phoebe

You can put me on mute?

Chris

Oracles, furtune tellers, soothsayers, they all say the same thing. If Mom and Dad don't screw this month, I'm screwed.

Phoebe

Okay, I'm just trying to get used to you being my nephew... I never hit on you, did I?

Chris

What? No.

Phoebe

Oh, thank God.

Chris

Can we focus here, please? Mom and Dad need to have sex. Now, who's gonna tell them, you or me?

Chris

Alright, I made a little wish.

Paige

You did what?

Chris

Two little wishes.

Paige

Oh, great. It's not bad enough I have to worry about Richard, now I have to worry about you too. What did you wish for?

Chris

For Leo to forgive me, which by the way was an accident.

Paige

And?

Chris

For Piper and Leo to sleep together.

Paige

Eww! Oh my God, you are sick! What is wrong with you? You're disgusting!

Chris

No...

Paige

You are some creepy registered sex offender from the future.

Chris

No, no, no...

Paige

Oh my god, you are so gross.

Chris

I'm Piper and Leo's son.

Paige

What?

Chris

They're my parents. I came back to save my family.

Paige

You're serious.

Chris

Yeah. Only now I've gotta save myself. Because if my mom doesn't get pregnant in the next month, there is no me.

Paige

This is all so wrong! And this has been such a long day...

Paige

Chris.. is your son.

Phoebe

Wyatt's brother. Look I know this is huge...

Piper

No, It's not huge, because it's not possible. It's crazy!'Cause I'm not pregnant!

Oh, yeah!

Phoebe

No, I'm not. I mean, how could that happen!? I mean, I know how that could happen! But, it...... Oh! What am I going to do?

Phoebe

Maybe you should talk to Leo about it?

Piper

No! I can't!

Phoebe

Why?

Piper

Well, because, because, because I can't!

Chris

Is this a bad time?