Buffy the Vampire Slayer · Season 1
Buffy has a really important date.
Owen!
All right, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
Well, you know what they say; ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
You couldn't have told me that ninety percent ago?
If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!
What is it with those guys?
They're obnoxious. Professionally.
Well, every school has 'em. See, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.
[to Xander] You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.
Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Uh-huh.
And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Yes.
And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
It's bad, isn't it?
It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course you'll have to kill him.
Testosterone is a great equalizer - it turns all men into morons.
[While researching in the library]
Wow. Apparently, Noah rejected the hyenas from the Ark because he thought they were an evil impure mixture of dogs and cats.
Hyenas aren't well liked.
They do seem to be the schmoes of the animal kingdom.
Why couldn't Xander be possessed by a puppy, or... or some ducks?
I heard the vice principal's taking over until they can find a replacement.
Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find a new principal. Unless they ask what happened to the last one.
Okay, but I had nothing to do with that, right?
Right.
You only ate the pig.
I ate a pig? It was he cooked and called bacon or... oh, my God, I ate a pig? I mean, the whole trichinosis issue aside, yuck.
Well, it wasn't really you.
Well, I remember going on the field trip, and then going down to the hyena house. And next thing, some guy's holding Willow, and he's got a knife.
You saved my life.
Hey, nobody messes with my Willow.
This is definitely the superior Xander. Accept no substitutes.
I didn't do anything else, did I? Around you guys? Anything embarrassing?
Nah.
Not at all.
Come on, we're gonna be late.
See you at lunch.
Cool. Oh, hey? Going vegetarian, huh?
I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about... memory loss afterwards.
(chuckles) Did you tell them that?
Your secret dies with me.
Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
[about Angel] So he is a good vampire? I mean on a scale of one to ten. Ten being someone who's killing and maiming every night, one being someone who's... not.
I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You're in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?
What?!?
[to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!
The elders conjured the most perfect punishment for me. They restored my soul.
What, they were all out of boils and blinding torment?
When you become a vampire, the demon takes your body, but it doesn't get your soul; that's gone. No conscience, no remorse, it's an easy way to live. You have no idea what it's like to have done the things I've done...and care. I haven't fed on a human being since that day.
I invited you into my home and then you attacked my family.
Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friends' children... For hundreds of years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.
[about Angel] I made him. There was a time when we shared everything, wasn't there Angelus? You had a chance to come home, to rule with me in the Master's court for a thousand years, but you threw that away because of her. You love someone who hates us. You're sick. And you'll always be sick. And you'll always remember what it was like to watch her die.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Buffy the Vampire Slayer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
