[amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]
Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!
Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]
[finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.
...
You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!
It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
[perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'
Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...
No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!
[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!
And you killed them both?
Yeah. I killed the hell out of 'em.
Hey, watch it, mate! I don't fear anything. I just know my enemies.
Do you? Then why haven't you killed this Slayer yet?
Because...! Stinking rotten luck is why. On top of that, now I got this buggering chip up my head.
Yes. Your behavior modification circuitry. I know what you feel.
You feel smothered. Trapped like an animal. Pure in its ferocity, unable to actualize the urges within. Clinging to one truth, like a flame struggling to burn within an enclosed glass: that a beast this powerful cannot be contained. Inevitably, it will break free and savage the land again. I will make you whole again, make you savage.
[is speechless with awe for a moment] Wow... I mean, yeah. I get why the demons all fall in line with you. You're like Tony Robbins! If he was a big scary, Frankenstein-looking... You're exactly like Tony Robbins.
Um, I need a little more than that.
Oh. Um... come in. You're hurt.
I'll live. You want to tell me who ran your face into that doorknob?
Not really. It's not world-in-peril stuff.
Let me guess. You thought of something else really hurtful to say, and, well, you couldn't tell me on the phone because the funniest part is that look on my face--
Buffy, please. I really don't have a lot of time.
I told you, you weren't coming near her.
You've got to be kidding me. This is why you came?
No. This was an accident.
Running your car into a tree is an accident! Running your fist into somebody's face is a plan. Please explain this to me.
It's pretty much all I got left, so I'm thinking not. He attacked four of my men, Buffy. I think he's up to his old tricks.
He won't hurt anybody, tell him.
Huh. Some threat. You can barely stand.
My trigger finger feels okay.
You actually sleep with this guy?
Okay, stop it! Okay, that is enough. I see one more display of testosterone poisoning, and I will personally put you both in the hospital. Anybody think I'm exaggerating?
I'm sorry. Just want to know that you were safe.
I need to talk to Angel for a minute.
I'm not leaving this room. I mean it. Not moving a muscle.
Okay, I come to see you, to help you, and you treat me like I'm just... your ex.
Shut up! And then you order me out of your city, and then you come here and start pounding on my boyfriend? I would really like to know, what the hell are you trying to do?
I was trying to make things better.
[chuckles] Well... [laughs] Aw, well. Huh. It's, uh, going pretty good, don't you think?
You know... [chuckles] I couldn't leave it like that. The way I spoke to you... I came to apologize. I... I had no right.
I got jumped by some soldiers. He came in in the middle. And he wasn't real forthcoming with the benefit of the doubt.
Put yourself in his place.
Look, you weren't entirely wrong, what you said in L.A. We don't live in each other's worlds anymore. I had no right to barge in on yours and make judgments.
And next time, I'll apologize by phone.
Uh, things are pretty tense around here.
Honestly, I think the best thing you can do right now is--
It means a lot that you came.
And if I did join the army, I'd be great. You know why? Because they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained Border Collie.
That's it. I'm going to bed.
No, you'd do wonderful in the army. Hey, do you think the umbilibal cord between you and Anya could stretch that far?
I knew it. I knew you hated her!
Look, I'm not the one being judgmental here. I'll leave that territory to you and Buffy.
Judgmental? If I was any more open-minded about the choices you two make, my whole brain would fall out.
Oh, and superior. Don't forget that. Just because you're better than us doesn't mean you can be all superior.
You guys, stop this. What happened to you today?
It's not today. Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?
[perturbed] Well, what do you mean, wrong?
Well, they certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend.
No! It was back before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to-- Tara's your girlfriend?
[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell.
Enough! All I know is you want to help, right? Be part of the team?
No! No, you said you wanted to go. So let's go, all of us. We'll walk into that cave with you two attacking me and the funny drunk drooling on my shoe. Hey! Hey, maybe that's the secret way to killing Adam!
Is that it? Is that how you can help? You're not answering me! How can you possibly help? So... I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One and her friends. If I need help, I'll go to someone I can count on.
[On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to] Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.
Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.
One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.
Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.
Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-
Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?
I do speak Sumerian, it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.
See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!
As a matter of fact you are.
Oddly, Anya decided not to join us, despite all the fun we had at our last meeting.
And I don't think Tara felt welcome.
Why? Because of the things that we said? Will, who told you that we were talking behind your back, specifically?
Well, I... Spike, specifically, but...
And who told you that we thought you'd be better off joining the army?
That's not... exactly what he said.
Well, um, S-Spike can be very convincing when-when, uh, I'm very stupid.
He played us. He wanted us to fight to split us up. That's where it came from, the stuff we said the other night.
Of course. Well, piffle. Let's-let's move on.
So why do you think Spike made with the head games?
He's all dressed up with no one to bite. He's got to get his ya-yas somehow.
I think it was more than that. I think it was Adam.
Spike's working for Adam?! After all we've done... Nah, I can't even act surprised.
I just went to Adam's lair, and he was gone, but Spike just happened to be there. And he made this big noise about getting the information off those encrypted disks.
Oh, I decrypted 'em. Well, they decrypted themselves, but I almost had it.
Bunch of stuff we already knew about 314. But it also said there's some final phase where Adam manufactures a bunch of creepy cyber-demonoids like him. There's a special lab in the Initiative, but it didn't say where.
Adam fed Spike those disks. It has to be. He wanted me to know about his evil-guy assembly line. This lab, it's in the Initiative?
Well, give the demon his due. He thought this one out.
You know how overcrowded the containment cells have been at the Initiative? Those demons were just too easy to catch. It's like they wanted in that place.
Adam's gonna make sure the demons attack the Initiative from the inside.
Demons versus soldiers. Massacre, massacre.
And Adam has a neat pile of body parts to start assembling his army. Diabolical yet... gross.
Does anybody else miss the Mayor, "I just want to be a big snake?"
I've got to shut him down, Giles. His final phase is about to start.
We need to warn the Initiative.
They're not gonna listen to me.
He's a deserter. He got some bad news, anyway, and kind of took off.
Okay, I'm confused again. Adam has the evil plan. Why is he so anxious for you to know about it?
He wants me there. Probably figures I'll even the kill ratio.
He's not worried you might kill, oh, say, him?
There's certainly no lack of supplies. Only wish I knew which ones would kill Adam.
According to Riley, his power sourse is a uranium core embedded somewhere inside his chest, probably near the spine?
Great. So we just ask him to lie down quietly while we do some exploratory surgery.
What about magic? Some kind of, I don't know, uranium-extracting spell? I know, I'm reaching.
Perhaps a paralyzing spell. Only I can't perform the incantation of this.
Right. Don't you have to speak it in Sumerian or something?
I do speak Sumerian. It's not that. Only a-an experienced witch can incant it, and you'd have to be within striking distance of the subject.
See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?
So, no problem. All we need is Combo-Buffy, her with Slayer strength, Giles' multilingual know-how, and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions.
As a matter of fact, you are.
[During Xander's dream, he and Principal Snyder parody "Apocalypse Now."]
PSPrincipal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz
Where are you from, Harris?
XAXander as Captain Willard
Well, the basement, mostly.
PSPrincipal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz
Were you born there?
XAXander as Captain Willard
Possibly.
...
PSPrincipal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz
I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there ... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
XAXander as Captain Willard
You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
...
PSPrincipal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz
Where are you heading?
XAXander as Captain Willard
Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. [beat] And possibly Buffy's mom.
...
PSPrincipal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz
Are you a soldier?
XAXander as Captain Willard
[shakes head] I'm a comfortador.
PSPrincipal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz
[contemptuous] You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.
XAXander as Captain Willard
[nods] I'm getting a cramp.
