Woody quotes from Brickleberry

You're a very lucky man, Woody. Everything's going to be fine.

Woody

Great! So I can perform?

[chuckles] Of course you can perform ... in stage plays, Lifetime original movies, even blackface minstrel shows. Just not pornography. You see, Woody. You're suffering from a rare ailment. Multiple sclerosis.

Woody

I have multiple sclerosis!? SHIT!

Oh, Heavens no. I wish you did. I said "multiple scrote cysts". As in, multiple cysts in your scrotum. Each cyst is a little ticking time bomb. Every single bounce of your ball bag brings you closer to death.

Woody

Level with me, Doc! How many thrusts do I have left!?

I can't give you an exact number, Woody but it's somewhere between, say 70 and 72.

Woody

Soooo, ... 700000 ... 1? [pronounced: seh-ven-dee-wun]

[laughs] If only medicine could be that precise.

Now before we do this threesome I just wanna make sure it ain't gonna mess up our friendship.

Aah! Ow! What the hell y'all doin'?

Woody

Evicting you for tearing up my park!?

That wasn't me, that was "Drunk Bobby". If you wanna talk to him, he'll be here in 12 ounces.

Woody

Happy hour's over, swamp people! You are hereby being kicked the hell out of my park!

Steve

Huh. This looks like it's from the olden times. What is it?

How am I supposed to know what the hell is? It's got words and shit on it.

Steve

Wow...1880's, da da da. Civil War...Your cousin..."Reginald Wooten Possumcods"... Oh, my god. According to this, you're the heir to Brickleberry Park.

Wooo!! Wait a minute, did he call me a queer?

Woody

Give me that! Ooh...Actually, Robert, what it really says is, and I quote, there is no goddamn way in hell that asshole Bobby Possumcods owns this park!

Don't get more official than that.

Steve

That's not what it says. It says right here Bobby owns the park, and..[Woody kicks him]

Oh, I know what it says now. It says get the hell off my property!

Steve

[via computer voice] People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Malloy

[swipes the stick away from Steve] Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.

Steve

Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.

Woody

[referring to Steve's handicap] Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!

Woody!

Woody

Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.

But he's dead.

Woody

Exactly.

Woody

"Jar Jar Binks, what are you doing in my room?"

"Meesa like! Meesa like you!"

Woody

[pours lotion onto his Jar Jar puppet-wearing right hand] "Jar Jar, what are you doing? Jar Jar, this is crazy!" [starts jerking his dick off] "Stop, stop, don't stop, aaaahhh...ah, that feels good."

Woody

[sees a husband and wife leaving in their car] Where're you going? You just got here!

Hey! No one wants to go to a park without animals.

Yeah, it's like going to a Lakers game and not getting gang-banged by the team while my husband pulls the car around.

Yeah! [pause] What she say? [Woody throws a rock at their car window]

Connie

This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.

Steve

Aww!

What a pretty name!

Connie

Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.

Malloy

"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".

Woody

Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.

Connie

What's wrong with my boobs?

Malloy

Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.

Denzel

[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!

This is going too far, Denzel!

Denzel

That baby's evil! I'll prove it!

How?

Denzel

Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.

Steve

Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.

Connie

NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]

Woody

It's just a baby, Denzel.

This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.

Malloy

Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.

Denzel

All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.

Leave the gun.

Denzel

Fine.

Woody

Be my be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.

Best friends forever.

Whatever we endeavor. Our bond will never sever. No matter what so, what so ever. Best friends forever. Whatever the weather. Together whenever. When happy, sad, or in between.

Woody

Be my be my be my be my be my be my BFF.

Steve

Oh!

Best friends!

Steve

Yeah, he's a real jerk. I can't stand him. No. He's right next to me. With his big stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.

Woody

FUCK YOU, THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL PHONE!

Steve

See what I'm dealing with?

Malloy

Down syndrome?

Woody

Oh, God, how did this happen?

Steve

Hmm...It wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate was it?

Woody

You did this, you son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life!

Steve

You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me. I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did, was treat me like shit! And you gave me cancer!

Woody

I'm gonna kill you!

Steve

Not if I kill you first!

I GOT YOU NOW, JOHNSON!

Woody

God dammit! I thought the one place I'd be safe is a dark dead-end, alley!

SHUT THE HELL UP! Now, give me the 20 grand you owe me!

Woody

I have got to stop betting on Quidditch! I thought Hufflepuff was due!

You'd better pay up now or I'm gunna take a glass rod, HEAT UP UP WITH A BLOW TORCH, AND STICK IT UP YOUR-

Uh, heh heh. Just a second.

[nice and happy] Hello, deary! How's my lovely wife doing today? Oh, you need me to do the laundry? Oh, certainly, my love. I'll be right there in two shakes of a lamby's tail! Well, ta-ta for now! Hugs and kisses, sweety pie! Okay, bye-bye.

Woody

Heh, heh. Your wife makes you do the laundry?

SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU PATHETIC BITCH! Now listen. You'd better cough up the $20,000 you owe me OR I'M TAKING A LONG THICK GLASS ROD, TWICE YOUR SIZE, HEATING IT UP TO 20,000 DEGREES, ONE FOR EVERY BUCK YOU OWE ME, AND I AM SHOVING IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR...

[nice and sweet] Hi, baby! Oh, Scooters went pee-pee on the rug? Well, I'll come home and clean it up, straight away! I love you more than rainbows! Bye bye.

SO ANYWAY, GLASS ROD, BLOW TORCH, AND IT'S GOING STRAIGHT UP YOUR-

[nice and cheery] Hi, bubblegum fairy! Ooh, you want me to pick up Hazelnut truffles from The Cheesecake Factory? Well, sure thing fluffy kitten. [meows]

NOW, WHERE WAS I!?

Woody

[choking] Glass rod? 20,000 Degrees?

Right. Thank you. ALRIGHT! I'M JUST GONNA CUT TO THE CHASE! GLASS ROD! 20,000 DEGREES! I'M GUNNA CRAM IT UP UP YOUR-

Woody

[choking] Wait! Hold on! Give me another chance! A bet! Double or nothing!

On what!?

Woody

[choking] Uh, hold on. Let me think.

I'm winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant. It's the surest bet ever.

Woody

[choking] On Ethel Anderson winning the Miss National Park beauty pageant!

Okay, you're on. [pins him to the wall once more] AND WHEN YOU LOSE, I'M GONNA TAKE THAT AFOREMENTIONED MOLTEN HOT GLASS ROD AND THRUST IT 500 MILES UP YOUR-

[nice and lovely] Hi, little lamb. Eh-Leave Woody Johnson alone? Why?

Woody

[in a girly voice] Because he's a nice man.

Woody

Well, what'd she say?

Woody

Hey, What are you doing!? I'm watching the hockey game.

Denzel

Shut your ass up!

Man, white people. you know what I'm saying?

Woody

What's so goddamn funny?

Denzel

Quiet, boy.

Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people! [he dances]

Denzel

[laughs hilariously] I did not see that coming.

Woody

I can't take this crap! I'm sick of your bullshit!

Stop it! Like it or not, we are a family now. You two need to spend the day together like father and son.

Woody

But, Mommy...

Denzel

Oh, Anita, I don't want to.

No arguments!

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?

Malloy

Daddy and Grandpa Denzel were fighting. I'm scared, gam-gam.

Oh, you poor little bear. Here. I found this stack of hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.

Malloy

White people. You know what I'm saying.

Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?

Connie

I peed.

You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.

Steve

What's your name?

Fuck you. That's my name.

Steve

Is that Korean?

Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.

Denzel

It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye [he leaves]

That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.

Woody

Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?

Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.

Woody

No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.

All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. [she leaves, door open]

Steve

Bye, Fuck you.

Woody

[shows the Secretary on projector a stick-figure drawing of her, imitating her voice] I'm a hateful bitch with a dried up snatch! What's that in the sky? OH NO, IT'S WOODY'S ASSHOLE!!! [Woody draws squiggles all over the picture with a brown marker] It's covering me in shit but I love it, cause I'm such a nasty poop-eating slut! [draws an additional caricature of her face eating Woody's poop] It's in my mouth! YUM-YUM-YUMMMMY!!! [turns off projector] And there's my plan, what do you think?

[not pleased] HOW DARE YOU JOHNSON! I'm gonna....

Woody

[interrupts, also angry] Gonna what? You can't fire me, I'm in the GODDAMN RANGER UNION!!

There's no such thing as a Ranger Union!

Woody

Huh? [glares at Malloy]

Malloy

Ooooh, sorry, I forgot I made that up.

Malloy

Great job, Woody. This place is almost as bad as a comfort inn.

Goddamn you, Jim! I told you to pay the light bill.

I hope they do shut it off so I won't be able to see you damn ugly face!

Woody

You're the one who told me to stand up to the secretary.

Malloy

I'm a bear. You took advice from a bear.

Woody

Good point. I won't do that again.

Malloy

Now I've got some advice for you.

Woody

Lay it on me.

Malloy

From now on, you are going to do everything she says, and beg her for your old job back.

[as she throwing some knives at Firecracker Jim] I hate you, you son of the bitch! [Firecracker Jim tackles her]

Malloy

I can't spend another night at this stump dump. We've gotta get our place back.

Woody

We will, Malloy. I promise. Let's just try to make the best of it.

Woody

[sees an Eskimo humping a coconut right outside Ford's office] Jesus, who wrote this shit? [Camera pans to Bobby and BoDean revealed as being the show's "Riters"]

[excited with his brainstorm] And then, he fucked the coconut!

[satisfied] Hello Emmy! [keeps typing into his unplugged computer]