Woody quotes from Brickleberry

I'm here about the job?

Yeah, actually, we've already decided...

Woody

That you're hired.

Oh, goodie!

WHAT!?

Connie

Yes!

Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl?! Do you know what she did her first morning on the job?

You shot my husband!

Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.

He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.

It's okay, She's hot.

[gasped] Bear! [she shoot an Armenian man with a gun]

Woody

So the world has one less clogged shower drain. Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.

Good morning, everybody.

Well, I'll really miss that nigger when he goes to the fire tower.

Whoa. We don't use that term here.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really miss that nigger when he goes to the "watch-tower".

Woody

Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.

Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.

Denzel

Yes, I would. It's only wrong when ugly people say it. Bye, Amber.

Bye, nigger!

You know what? Screw you, guys! I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.

Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals".

Woody

Anything for you, honeypot. Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.

Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.

Steve

[in Ethel's thought bubble] Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.

God damn it!

Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the opening of the Ethel Anderson orphan animal sanctuary. Hello?

So, do Asian people see the world in letterbox?

Sure, sure, whatever you say.

"Welcome Amber"?! We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.

Woody

Change the plans, fugly. Now scram, you're blocking my view of Amber.

This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper with nice tits!

Aw, thanks, Ethel. And thanks for coming to my welcome party. You look so cute.

Woody

Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that. Give me a hug. Now one from behind.

Enough of this bullshit, Woody! We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.

Woody

Sure she is. [to Amber] What job would you like, Amber?

I like the baby "aminals".

Woody

Good idea. From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, and you're in charge.

Woody, you can't do that!

Woody

Already done. Now cut out, Nanny McPhee. You're bringing down the party.

Can I get something strong?

Beat it, sea world.

How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals?

Woody

How about I put you in charge of getting you wall-eyed nipples away from me?

What? I'm hot! I'm a ten!

Malloy

I guess that makes Connie a 13.

Woody

Look, Scare-A-Reid. As long as Amber's around, She's in charge of the "aminals"!

Aw, look how happy he is since I took over. I got to buy some more pills. The red kitty dogs love them. Fly away, god's creature. [she throw the baby fox under a ceiling fan to get sliced into both the upper body and lower body to fall on the floor] Yay! Now there's 2 kitty dogs!

Amber? Amber! Has anyone seen Amber?

Woody

Ethel, I...I think we lost her.

I did it! I saved them! [she release some animals after she save them]

Whoa.

Did I get burned a little? I can't really feel anything.

It's not...bad. Here. Ooh, much better.

You were right, Ethel. I can be a great ranger!

So, um...thank you for your bravery, and um...

Woody

Amber, you're fired.

Oh! Because I have a couple of burns?

Woody

No, because I can see through your face.

Ethel, tell them what you told me, that it's not about looks. It's about what's on the inside?

You know what, Woody? Amber's right. Looks or no looks, she does belong to Brickleberry. And I know the perfect place for her.

Malloy

I haven't seen this many screaming Mexicans since bus passes went up.

Woody

This is your fault, Malloy.

Malloy

Why don't you just show it to them?

Woody

NO! there's no way I'm showing my disgusting hemorrhoid to anybody! I bought this cream to shrink the bastard.

Woody

♪ Chumba-wumba, hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪ Greetings, Shit For Brain, Dances With Rhythm, Morning After, and Gay Buffalo. Big Chief Horsedick come bearing big news. 15 years after being shut down, we're finally reopening Camp Brickleberry, and you're all gonna be camp counselors.

Yes!

Woody, this park is a dangerous place for children.

Malloy

So is your uterus.

Woody

Jackubowski wants the camp reopened. And it gives the park a chance to make a buttload of money off some sucker parents. So you sure as shit better show them a good time.

Denzel

So we're supposed to chase these kids around and do all this extra work? What do we get?

Woody

Well, the counselor whose tribe is voted the best at the end of the week wins...[imitates fanfare] the legendary tribal shield.

Malloy

Like anyone with a brain could be motivated by a painted trash can lid.

I'm winning this!

Connie

No, it's mine!

Denzel

Hands off my painted trash can lid!

Woody

Settle down, morons! Put these on.

Steve

Woody, I, uh, didn't get a shirt.

Woody

There's no way I'm letting you be a counselor again. You're the reason we had to close the camp in the first place.

What happened?

Steve

I remember it like it happened 15 years ago.

Connie

Steve?

Steve

Oh, sorry. I thought you guys could see my brain movie. Every summer the entire camp would compete against each other in the mother of all camp competitions...The Gauntlet.

We're gonna lose!

Steve

I know a shortcut.

Are you sure about this? This sign says "mine field."

Steve

Mine field, your field, I don't care whose field it is. [he shoves his campers into mine field] Get in there!

Steve

This is gonna make for a scary brain movie.

There's a finish line! The tribal shield is as good as mine...

We did it!

Steve

We did it! 1. 2. 3. 4. No dead kids!

Woody

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Steve's tribe is the winner!

Is this a fucking trash can lid?

Here you go, Steve. You finally deserve this. You are the world's best counselor.

Steve

Wow. Thanks, guys.

To be honest, we all were pretty sure you'll find some way to kill us.

Steve

I think this shrunk up a little.

Who the hell set the thermostat to 38 degrees?

Steve

[shivering] Woody did.

Woody, that is such a waste of energy! Don't you care about our planet at all?

Woody

[babbles mockingly] Oh, shut up, Ethel. Our planet is fine. It was here 2,015 years before me, and it'll be here 2,015 years after me.

Wow. Don't you know anything about the history of the Earth?

Woody

I know plenty. Here's a free history lesson. Listen and learn.

Steve

[offscreen] ♪ Jesus! Came to Earth in a ball of fire. Jesus! He killed all the dinosaurs. Jesus! Uppercutting T-Rex. Jesus! Karate kick that motherfucker. Jesus! Making oil for Republicans. Jesus! ♪

Woody

And that's pretty much it. Cue the theme song.

Connie

♪ Happy Dappy Bird, I love Dappy Bird, I have no life, and I'm dead on the inside, Happy Dappy Bird! ♪ Hey! Why'd you throw away my phone?

Because it's up to us to counterbalance the damage that Woody is doing to this planet. We've got to go green and cut our carbon footprints to zero.

Connie

Can I at least keep my vibrator? It's green.

I'm pretty sure it was white when you bought it. I feel like we've made some good progress here. I can feel Mother Earth healing.

Woody

Hey, Ethel, how do you like my "Global Warming's Bullshit" parade?

Connie

Yay! A parade!

Shut up, Connie. This whole thing is a "fuck you" to me.

Connie

What makes you feel that way?

That sign does.

Woody

[laughing] Every float expands my carbon footprint, including the Woody Johnson musical farting cows.

Denzel

[laughing] Now, how can that not put a smile on your face?

Malloy

I hate cows!

Denzel

What? How could you hate cows?

Malloy

There's something off about them. They're always watching us with those dead eyes. It's like they're planning something.

Denzel

You scared of cows!

Malloy

I'm not scared of cows.

Denzel

Well, let's go say hello.

Malloy

No, no, no!

Denzel

[laughs] Hey, everybody, Malloy's scared of cows!

Malloy

Okay, maybe a little. But it's because of my animal instinct. I have heightened senses. Trust me, I don't want this gift. [sniffs] Connie, it's going to be a heavy flow day.

Connie

Thanks, Malloy.

Denzel

Well, I think cows are cool, especially ones that can fart Mozart.

Woody

[laughing] Oh, Ethel, you should see the look on your stupid fa..[a cow accidentally farts, poops on his head] Ahh!

Steve

It's beautiful, Woody.

Woody

Yeah, but trying to make carbon footprint history to making me go broke. Steve, climb to the top of that transformer and steal me some electricity.

Steve

I guess I gotta cut through this wire.

Woody

Steve, you idiot! you're gonna get electrocuted! Be safe! Use the wet, non-grounded metal hedge clippers.

Steve

Good thinking. [he uses hedge clippers to trying to cut the wire and being electrocuted]

Woody

Oh, no! Are you okay...Hedge clippers? God damn it, Steve, you melted them!

Woody

These were my favorite hedge clippers, you dumb son of a...[An electric transformer falls onto him] Ow!

Steve

Woody, move! The transformer's going to fall and crush you. I saw it happen!

Woody

What the hell are you talking about, Steve?

Steve

Move! [he saves Woody from transformer falls and crashes on a ground]

Woody

Holy crap, Steve. You can see the future.

Woody

You here to kill me, future boy?

Steve

Woody, I'm gonna give you one more chance to shut this plant down.

Woody

Sure. Let me just grab my shut-down button.

Steve

Looking for this. [He used the gun] Give it up. With this collar, all I have to do is bark, and I'll know everything you're going do before you do it.

Woody

Crap. Really? Well, what happens next? Do I beat the shit out of you?

Steve

No.

Woody

I do now!

Woody

Oh, look, over there! Viggo Mortensen is behind you sucking himself off.

Steve

I know you're lying. I have to look.

Woody

Whew.

Steve

I knew you're hide here.

Woody

Quick, take me to the airport!

Steve

So you can fly to Australia and change your name to Rick Swordfire?

Woody

Oh, goddamn it!

Steve

My powers are too much for you, Woody.

Woody

Yeah, but you're still stupid. [he turned the light switch on]