Ethel quotes from Brickleberry

[shoots a deer in the head with a handgun] WHYYYYYYYYYYYY....did I enjoy that so much?

Woody

Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.

Steve

Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.

Malloy

Even your whispers sound fat.

Woody

How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.

Steve

Yeah, like what?

Woody

Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.

Woody

And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.

Surprise!

Woody

Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.

Connie

A new Ranger?

Denzel

Old lady, old lady, old lady.

Woody

Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.

Steve

Ranger of the Month?

Connie

Sorry, that's my vagina growling.

... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...

I'm really...

...excited...

Excited to work...

Steve

You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!

Woody

I'm so glad everything turned out okay.

Malloy

No, everything turned out fine. Except for the part where I was raped.

Woody

Well, Ethel, looks like you get your job back.

Malloy

Who gives a shit?! I got raped.

Woody

Uh-huh. Steve, I guess you deserve to keep this for a while. [gives Steve the ranger of the month pin]

Steve

You know what? I think it's time for a change. [He makes it look like he's gonna give the badge to Ethel but he just puts it on the other side of his shirt] Wow, looks even better on this side. It's like a whole different shirt now.

You're an asshole, you know that?

Steve

[laughing wickedly] She thinks I'm an asshole now. She doesn't even know that I spiked her coffee. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Wait a minute. Am I thinking this or saying this?!

You spiked my coffee!?

Steve

Oops.

Only you can prevent big vats of acid. [he gets knocked into a vat of acid by Steve, burns, and screams as he disintegrates]

I fucking love it!

Steve?

Steve

[slurring] Damn it! Come back here, chipyunk! Fight like a man!

Hey, Steve! Stop it!

Steve

Why? There is no god. What's the difference?

The difference is you're not dying. [sighs] The doctor called last week and told me. I just didn't tell you because I...I really...I really like the new Steve.

Steve

Bullshit! You're just lying to me so I don't blow Bambi's brains out. [gun cocks]

Wait, Steve! Okay! Okay! Okay. Su--Suppose you are dying. Is this really how you want to spend your last few days?

Steve

You know what? You're right. I'm wasting precious time.

Thank you.

Steve

There's way more messed up shit I've always wanted to do!

Steve

Grow! Grow, damn you, grow! Or do you want this to happen to you? They don't even respond to threats.

Denzel

We dead. I knew it.

Steve

Wait a minute. I remember something.

His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone. He'll be full grown practically overnight. Overnight. Overnight.

Steve

That's it!

Denzel

Steve, have you lost your goddamn mind? This is your plan? bear ball juice?

Steve

It's testosterone. Didn't you see my thought bubble?

Denzel

Man, I'm getting outta here. White people do some fucked up shit.

What a rabid gustation period. It must be their mutant DNA that might-

Woody

[mocking] Deh deh deh, Science. Deh deh deh deh, SHUT UP!!!

Connie

Ethel's right. Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing?

Woody

Yeah, of course, you agree with your GIRLFRIEND! I'm not concerned at all. More Squabbits. More tourists. [in a blaccent] More tourists, more money. Right Denzel?

Woody

What the hell do you want, Steve?

Steve

Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.

Woody

Demands?

Steve

Well, maybe suggestions.

Woody

Suggestions?

Steve

Well, more of a wish list, actually.

Woody

Alright, Steve. [cracking his knuckles] You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.

Steve

Good news, guys. We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.

Really? That's great! What insurance do we have now?

Steve

None but this way, we'll be more careful.

Steve

Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break. So uh, Woody's gunna get rid of those.

Steve, you're a spineless turd! You can't stand up to anyone!

Steve

Yes I can!

Denzel

Sit yo ass down!

Steve

Okay.

I've been looking for an act so unconventional, that it will SHAKE UP THE INDUSTRY! I've got BIG PLANS! I'm going to make you a STAR!

Connie

Hmm, I don't know, Mister.

It's Jorge. Come on, I'll even hire these two freaks.

Connie

Okay, I'll do it.

YES! [to Denzel] You'll be our new DJ and [to Ethel] you can mop up the peep booths.

What?

Denzel

Man, I hate DJ-ing. Wanna switch jobs?

Really?

Denzel

Hello no! I love DJ-ing. Have fun mopping up that semen.

So, what's this big important news?

Connie

Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

Yes!

Oh, my God. She's completely healed.

Connie

And my rash is gone.

Malloy

I wonder if it cures bitch.

I think my hymen just grew back.

Malloy

Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.

Woody

Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.

Steve

You could have just told us.

Woody

Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.

Steve

How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

I could get used to this.

There must be a scientific explanation.

Woody

Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.

And another reason not to believe in God.

Woody

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.

Malloy

Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.

Woody

Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.

Malloy

Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.

Steve

Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.

Denzel

Wait. You've never seen snow?

Malloy

Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.

Steve

Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!

Connie

What's wrong, Denzel?

Denzel

Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!

Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.

Malloy

God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.

Woody

Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!

So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?

Woody

Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

Steve

Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!

Denzel

[has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-

Steve

And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!

Denzel

Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]

[holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.

Connie

And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?

Woody

Back in the 70's, I made a living as a pornographic actor named Rex Erection.

Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough porn name for you?

Woody

Huh? I-I don't get it. Anyhow, porn was just one of those jobs you stumble into when you're young and new to the city and you got a DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE FOR A DICK! [laughs]

Malloy

Oh, God. What is this now?

Do you have any idea how demeaning this is to women?

Malloy

... Yes ... And no, you can not be in it.

I would never be in this movie ... Wait, why can't I be in this movie? ... [self-conscious] You don't think I have trucker arms, do you? Is it my nose? [gasp] Are my boobs to small!? ... You know what? I'm not gunna fall into your little trap. [walks away before runs back; desperate] DON'T PUT ME IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE! PUT ME IN! MALLOY! PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!

Malloy

Fine, but I'm not gonna pay you.

Yes, I'm pretty!

Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.

Malloy

Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Connie

She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.

Malloy

Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.

Steve

Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!

Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.

Steve

[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]

Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.

Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.

Denzel

[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.

Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?

Denzel

No.

[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!

[On a phone] Maybe?

Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?

Steve

[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?

WHAT?!

Steve

[via computer voice] People of Earth. You are in no danger. Please remain in your homes. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Malloy

[swipes the stick away from Steve] Give me that! You can still talk, you moron.

Steve

Hey, give that back. It makes me sound smart like that crippled scientist, Tony Hawk.

Woody

[referring to Steve's handicap] Oh, look, everybody! The attention whore is here!

Woody!

Woody

Oh, walk it off, Steve! Everything will turn out fine just like it did for Christopher Reeve.

But he's dead.

Woody

Exactly.

Ha, ha, ha. Little cranky pants didn't have his nap.

Malloy

I am gonna fucking claw your eyes out!

Tantrums are normal for gifted kids.

Malloy

I'm not a kid. I'm a wild animal!

And he has such a colorful imagination. Well, and ADHD. [Malloy bites her arm] OW! go play honey!