Malloy quotes from Brickleberry

Malloy

Winnie the Pooh never had to deal with this bullshit.

Malloy

[about Connie] All that running and crying, you think she'd be thinner.

Malloy

There is some really obscure racism in this town.

Malloy

[to Connie] Your body has a lotta bumps. We can't keep track of what they all are.

Steve

Good morning, Malloy. How are you?

Malloy

Your head is enormous.

Steve

Hey. Don't forget I'm the one who rescued you after some crazy tourist ran over both your parents.

Steve

The key to being a safe driver...[He runs over and injures Malloy's parents] Oh my God! Wait! You're both still alive! I'll go call for help! [He tries to call for help but he trips over his gun and accidentally shoots them both dead] Shit.

Woody

Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.

Steve

Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.

Malloy

Even your whispers sound fat.

Woody

How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.

Steve

Yeah, like what?

Woody

Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.

Woody

And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.

Surprise!

Woody

Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.

Connie

A new Ranger?

Denzel

Old lady, old lady, old lady.

Woody

Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.

Steve

Ranger of the Month?

Connie

Sorry, that's my vagina growling.

... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...

I'm really...

...excited...

Excited to work...

Steve

You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!

Woody

I'm so glad everything turned out okay.

Malloy

No, everything turned out fine. Except for the part where I was raped.

Woody

Well, Ethel, looks like you get your job back.

Malloy

Who gives a shit?! I got raped.

Woody

Uh-huh. Steve, I guess you deserve to keep this for a while. [gives Steve the ranger of the month pin]

Steve

You know what? I think it's time for a change. [He makes it look like he's gonna give the badge to Ethel but he just puts it on the other side of his shirt] Wow, looks even better on this side. It's like a whole different shirt now.

You're an asshole, you know that?

Steve

[laughing wickedly] She thinks I'm an asshole now. She doesn't even know that I spiked her coffee. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Wait a minute. Am I thinking this or saying this?!

You spiked my coffee!?

Steve

Oops.

Only you can prevent big vats of acid. [he gets knocked into a vat of acid by Steve, burns, and screams as he disintegrates]

I fucking love it!

Connie

We shouldn't worry about Yellowstone. We could just make some improvements.

Malloy

Here's one. [puts a bag over Connie's head]

Denzel

I hate animals.

Malloy

To be fair, most animals hate black people...............and Mexicans.

Woody

Dammit you bastards! This is the bottom of the 9th! It's our last chance! [to Malloy] Come on, rally bear! Show some spirit! Why can't you dance like those black bears? [points to the Yellowstone black bears chanting "Go Yellowstone!"]

Malloy

I am fighting the urge to say something horribly racist.

So, what's this big important news?

Connie

Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

Yes!

Oh, my God. She's completely healed.

Connie

And my rash is gone.

Malloy

I wonder if it cures bitch.

I think my hymen just grew back.

Malloy

Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.

Woody

Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.

Steve

You could have just told us.

Woody

Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.

Steve

How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

I could get used to this.

There must be a scientific explanation.

Woody

Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.

And another reason not to believe in God.

Woody

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.

Malloy

Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.

Woody

Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.

Malloy

Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.

Steve

Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.

Denzel

Wait. You've never seen snow?

Malloy

Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.

Steve

Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!

Connie

What's wrong, Denzel?

Denzel

Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!

Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.

Malloy

God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.

Woody

Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!

So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?

Woody

Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

Malloy

Oh, God. What is this now?

Do you have any idea how demeaning this is to women?

Malloy

... Yes ... And no, you can not be in it.

I would never be in this movie ... Wait, why can't I be in this movie? ... [self-conscious] You don't think I have trucker arms, do you? Is it my nose? [gasp] Are my boobs to small!? ... You know what? I'm not gunna fall into your little trap. [walks away before runs back; desperate] DON'T PUT ME IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE! PUT ME IN! MALLOY! PUT ME IN THIS MOVIE!

Malloy

Fine, but I'm not gonna pay you.

Yes, I'm pretty!

I think I might wanna go to nursing school.

Malloy

I'm pretty sure they drug test.

Oh, well.

Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.

Malloy

Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Connie

She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.

Malloy

Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.

Steve

Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!

Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.

Steve

[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]

Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.

Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.

Denzel

[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.

Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?

Denzel

No.

[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!

[On a phone] Maybe?

Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?

Steve

[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?

WHAT?!

Malloy

Great! So what's your Wi-Fi password? [pulls out his iPhone]

The fuck's a Wi-Fi?

"ObamaFan21", capital "O", capital "F". Upper-case sensitive. [while BoDean gives Malloy the answer, Bobby slowly turns his head in shock to point BoDean]

I don't even know who you are anymore.