Denzel quotes from Brickleberry

Denzel

[walks up to Woody] What's up ya fat old mother--- [Woody grabs the gun] handsome strong [hand off gun] stupid ignorant-ass [hand on gun] all-around nice guy?

Woody

Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.

Steve

Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.

Malloy

Even your whispers sound fat.

Woody

How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.

Steve

Yeah, like what?

Woody

Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.

Woody

And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.

Surprise!

Woody

Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.

Connie

A new Ranger?

Denzel

Old lady, old lady, old lady.

Woody

Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.

Steve

Ranger of the Month?

Connie

Sorry, that's my vagina growling.

... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...

I'm really...

...excited...

Excited to work...

Steve

You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!

Steve

Grow! Grow, damn you, grow! Or do you want this to happen to you? They don't even respond to threats.

Denzel

We dead. I knew it.

Steve

Wait a minute. I remember something.

His testicles are producing large amounts of testosterone. He'll be full grown practically overnight. Overnight. Overnight.

Steve

That's it!

Denzel

Steve, have you lost your goddamn mind? This is your plan? bear ball juice?

Steve

It's testosterone. Didn't you see my thought bubble?

Denzel

Man, I'm getting outta here. White people do some fucked up shit.

Denzel

I hate animals.

Malloy

To be fair, most animals hate black people...............and Mexicans.

Hello! Sorry, I'm late guys.

Steve

Pamela Anderson?

Denzel

Jackpot!

Woody

What's that skinny old man with that tit-job doing here?

Denzel

Hey, no matter what color I am on the outside, on the inside, I'll always be a dignified black man.

Steve

That makes two of us!

Steve

Hi, brown sugar. You gettin' pretty for me?

Denzel

Maybe.

Steve

These are for you.

Denzel

Oh..My..[shrieked] GOD!

Steve

Wow. You really like roses, huh?

Denzel

Oh, Woody, Woody, I love it, I love it, I love it!

Woody

What the hell do you want, Steve?

Steve

Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.

Woody

Demands?

Steve

Well, maybe suggestions.

Woody

Suggestions?

Steve

Well, more of a wish list, actually.

Woody

Alright, Steve. [cracking his knuckles] You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.

Steve

Good news, guys. We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.

Really? That's great! What insurance do we have now?

Steve

None but this way, we'll be more careful.

Steve

Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break. So uh, Woody's gunna get rid of those.

Steve, you're a spineless turd! You can't stand up to anyone!

Steve

Yes I can!

Denzel

Sit yo ass down!

Steve

Okay.

I've been looking for an act so unconventional, that it will SHAKE UP THE INDUSTRY! I've got BIG PLANS! I'm going to make you a STAR!

Connie

Hmm, I don't know, Mister.

It's Jorge. Come on, I'll even hire these two freaks.

Connie

Okay, I'll do it.

YES! [to Denzel] You'll be our new DJ and [to Ethel] you can mop up the peep booths.

What?

Denzel

Man, I hate DJ-ing. Wanna switch jobs?

Really?

Denzel

Hello no! I love DJ-ing. Have fun mopping up that semen.

Woody

I've got exciting news.

Denzel

Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!

Woody

No, today's my birthday!

So, what's this big important news?

Connie

Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

Yes!

Oh, my God. She's completely healed.

Connie

And my rash is gone.

Malloy

I wonder if it cures bitch.

I think my hymen just grew back.

Malloy

Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.

Woody

Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.

Steve

You could have just told us.

Woody

Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.

Steve

How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

I could get used to this.

There must be a scientific explanation.

Woody

Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.

And another reason not to believe in God.

Woody

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.

Malloy

Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.

Woody

Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.

Malloy

Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.

Steve

Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.

Denzel

Wait. You've never seen snow?

Malloy

Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.

Steve

Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!

Connie

What's wrong, Denzel?

Denzel

Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!

Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.

Malloy

God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.

Woody

Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!

So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?

Woody

Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

Steve

Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!

Denzel

[has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-

Steve

And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!

Denzel

Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]

[holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.

Connie

And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?

Don't tell me about yourself. I'll tell you about yourself. You like to eat candy.

Steve

Yes!

You don't have a girlfriend.

Steve

No!

And you brought me here for some information on ... some subject.

Steve

Oh my God! Yes! I'm looking for an evil ghost. Where do you think he is?

Uh,...Ooh! The graveyard!

Steve

I knew it!

Denzel

Steve, can't you see this woman's playing you? This is bullshit.

Oh, a non-believer. Well, let me go check in with the other side. [gasp] I'm sensing, your grandmother mispronounces words like "Libary" and "Baffroom".

Denzel

... Holy shit.

Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.

Malloy

Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.

Connie

She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.

Malloy

Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.

Steve

Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!

Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.

Steve

[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]

Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.

Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.

Denzel

[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.

Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?

Denzel

No.

[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!

[On a phone] Maybe?

Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?

Steve

[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?

WHAT?!

Denzel

Oh hey, Jerry! What's up?

Connie

You two know each other?

Denzel

Yeah, we went to middle school together. Hey, Jerry, remember when you sneezed and got Wanda pregnant?

I'm still paying for that cold.