Woody quotes from Brickleberry

Woody

Trust me, I don't need a gun to get respect. [lays his gun down on the table]

Woody

[mocking] Yellowstone! Yellowstone! Hmmph! They've got a cute animal. They didn't have 25 campers die in their park this month. BLAH BLAH BLAH!

Woody

[shouting] Get out of my sight!! You're dead to me, bear cub! GET OUT!!!

Woody

[about Astral] Hey, buddy, I would like to position myself in her lotus. You know what I mean?

Woody

Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.

Steve

Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.

Malloy

Even your whispers sound fat.

Woody

How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.

Steve

Yeah, like what?

Woody

Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.

Woody

And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.

Surprise!

Woody

Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.

Connie

A new Ranger?

Denzel

Old lady, old lady, old lady.

Woody

Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.

Steve

Ranger of the Month?

Connie

Sorry, that's my vagina growling.

... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...

I'm really...

...excited...

Excited to work...

Steve

You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!

Woody

I'm so glad everything turned out okay.

Malloy

No, everything turned out fine. Except for the part where I was raped.

Woody

Well, Ethel, looks like you get your job back.

Malloy

Who gives a shit?! I got raped.

Woody

Uh-huh. Steve, I guess you deserve to keep this for a while. [gives Steve the ranger of the month pin]

Steve

You know what? I think it's time for a change. [He makes it look like he's gonna give the badge to Ethel but he just puts it on the other side of his shirt] Wow, looks even better on this side. It's like a whole different shirt now.

You're an asshole, you know that?

Steve

[laughing wickedly] She thinks I'm an asshole now. She doesn't even know that I spiked her coffee. Good think I'll never tell a soul. It...Wait a minute. Am I thinking this or saying this?!

You spiked my coffee!?

Steve

Oops.

Only you can prevent big vats of acid. [he gets knocked into a vat of acid by Steve, burns, and screams as he disintegrates]

I fucking love it!

What a rabid gustation period. It must be their mutant DNA that might-

Woody

[mocking] Deh deh deh, Science. Deh deh deh deh, SHUT UP!!!

Connie

Ethel's right. Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing?

Woody

Yeah, of course, you agree with your GIRLFRIEND! I'm not concerned at all. More Squabbits. More tourists. [in a blaccent] More tourists, more money. Right Denzel?

Woody

I am declaring open season on Squabbits! I want every poacher in the state here to shoot, stab, run over, decapitate, eat, kick, or fist those little bastards!

Connie

Or we could just relocate them.

Woody

We're gonna relocate them alright. TO HELL!

Hello! Sorry, I'm late guys.

Steve

Pamela Anderson?

Denzel

Jackpot!

Woody

What's that skinny old man with that tit-job doing here?

Woody

What the hell do you want, Steve?

Steve

Woody, as you know, I'm the representative for the rangers here, and we have some demands we'd like met.

Woody

Demands?

Steve

Well, maybe suggestions.

Woody

Suggestions?

Steve

Well, more of a wish list, actually.

Woody

Alright, Steve. [cracking his knuckles] You want to negotiate or we'll negotiate.

Steve

Good news, guys. We don't have that crappy health insurance anymore.

Really? That's great! What insurance do we have now?

Steve

None but this way, we'll be more careful.

Steve

Also, you know what I really hate? When you're in your groove, rangering it up and then boom, you get interrupted by having to take a lunch break. So uh, Woody's gunna get rid of those.

Steve, you're a spineless turd! You can't stand up to anyone!

Steve

Yes I can!

Denzel

Sit yo ass down!

Steve

Okay.

Woody

Dammit you bastards! This is the bottom of the 9th! It's our last chance! [to Malloy] Come on, rally bear! Show some spirit! Why can't you dance like those black bears? [points to the Yellowstone black bears chanting "Go Yellowstone!"]

Malloy

I am fighting the urge to say something horribly racist.

Woody

I've got exciting news.

Denzel

Let me guess! Judge Judy here, she buck-ass naked and a horny as hell!

Woody

No, today's my birthday!

So, what's this big important news?

Connie

Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

Yes!

Oh, my God. She's completely healed.

Connie

And my rash is gone.

Malloy

I wonder if it cures bitch.

I think my hymen just grew back.

Malloy

Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.

Woody

Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.

Steve

You could have just told us.

Woody

Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.

Steve

How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!

Malloy

I could get used to this.

There must be a scientific explanation.

Woody

Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.

And another reason not to believe in God.

Woody

The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.

Malloy

Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.

Woody

Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.

Malloy

Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.

Steve

Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.

Denzel

Wait. You've never seen snow?

Malloy

Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.

Steve

Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!

Connie

What's wrong, Denzel?

Denzel

Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!

Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.

Malloy

God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.

Woody

Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!

So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?

Woody

Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.

Woody

Let me tell you a little story 'bout this here lake.

Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.

Woody

Michael J. Fox jumped in. Now he don't shake.

Talkin' 'bout miracle lake.

Woody

We got Stephen Hawking walking and talking.

Yeah! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake!

Woody

If you've got cancer, this lake's the answer.

Miracle lake!

Woody

You got crohn's disease. Well, put your mind at ease.

Miracle lake!

Woody

If you go glaucoma, make yourself at home-a.

Miracle lake!

Woody

Thrombosis, therosis. It'll change your prognosis.

Miracle lake!

Woody

You got irritable bowel? Jump in. Grab a towel.

Miracle lake!

Woody

If you got leukemia, you can...(speaking) eh ... bulimia? Emphysemia? ... Screw it, just jump in!

Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Take me to the water right now! Take me right on in. It's a miracle! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Miracle lake! Yeeeeeeaaaaaah!

Woody

Back in the 70's, I made a living as a pornographic actor named Rex Erection.

Woody Johnson wasn't a good enough porn name for you?

Woody

Huh? I-I don't get it. Anyhow, porn was just one of those jobs you stumble into when you're young and new to the city and you got a DISHONEST PINOCCHIO NOSE FOR A DICK! [laughs]