Malloy, you should be out there greeting all those tourists, because you're the cutest thing on the planet.
Malloy. We don't want him talking to anyone. He's a dick.
Even your whispers sound fat.
How could you say that?! Malloy does so many thoughtful things for us.
Like for starters he made that delicious breakfast you enjoyed this morning.
[Cutaway gag to Malloy shaking a salt shaker full of AIDs into a pot]
And don't forget, he planned that surprise party for Denzel.
[Cutaway gag to Denzel walking into a room with the KKK in it]
[Back to scene]
Bottom line, if we don't get this park in shape they're gonna shut down Brickleberry. So, I've decided to hire someone to help get this park on a track.
ConnieA new Ranger?
Old lady, old lady, old lady.
Yes, a new ranger she was ranger of the month at Yellowstone.
[Ethel appears, Connie's vagina growling]
Connie
Sorry, that's my vagina growling.
... Well, uh, okay. Uh, I-I'm really excited to...
[Connie's vagina growls]
[Connie's vagina growls]
[Connie's vagina growls]
You! You're no den mother. You were here to take my ranger of the month title all along!
What a rabid gustation period. It must be their mutant DNA that might-
[mocking] Deh deh deh, Science. Deh deh deh deh, SHUT UP!!!
Connie
Ethel's right. Aren't you concerned about how fast they're reproducing?
Yeah, of course, you agree with your GIRLFRIEND! I'm not concerned at all. More Squabbits. More tourists. [in a blaccent] More tourists, more money. Right Denzel?
I am declaring open season on Squabbits! I want every poacher in the state here to shoot, stab, run over, decapitate, eat, kick, or fist those little bastards!
Connie
Or we could just relocate them.
We're gonna relocate them alright. TO HELL!
I've been looking for an act so unconventional, that it will SHAKE UP THE INDUSTRY! I've got BIG PLANS! I'm going to make you a STAR!
Connie
Hmm, I don't know, Mister.
It's Jorge. Come on, I'll even hire these two freaks.
Connie
Okay, I'll do it.
YES! [to Denzel] You'll be our new DJ and [to Ethel] you can mop up the peep booths.
Man, I hate DJ-ing. Wanna switch jobs?
Hello no! I love DJ-ing. Have fun mopping up that semen.
So, what's this big important news?
Connie
Yeah, Woody, what are we doing...[gunshots] uh!
[Ethel gasped]
[bubbling; healing]
Oh, my God. She's completely healed.
Connie
And my rash is gone.
I wonder if it cures bitch.
[bubbling]
I think my hymen just grew back.
Don't worry. It'll be gone after happy hour.
Rangers, old Woody has discovered a miracle. As you can see, this lake cures any ailment, from the common cold to cancer.
You could have just told us.
Yeah, sure, but this way was more fun.
How were you sure it would work? Connie could have...[gunshots] uh!
I could get used to this.
There must be a scientific explanation.
Yeah, asshole, there is. I was chosen by God to heal the sick.
And another reason not to believe in God.
The Lord works in mysterious ways, and right now, he wants me to be rich. Sick people, lost souls, deep pockets, blah blah blah. Religion equals money! Now, we've got a lot of work to do.
Work? You were supposed to take me snowboarding today.
Sorry. No time, Cubbykins. Daddy is God's prophet now, and I do plan to profit.
Yeah. Another scam that'll blow up in your face. I want to shred the slopes like Shaun White. He gets lots of ass for an ugly woman.
Shred the slope? You've never even seen snow.
Wait. You've never seen snow?
Could somebody explain to the diversity hire that bears hibernate? That means sleep for a long time, Denzel, something you should be familiar with.
Take it easy on Denzel. He's had a rough day...[gunshots] uh!
Connie
What's wrong, Denzel?
Ever since I was a little boy, I had a dream. And then, I realized that dream. And now...[gunshots] Shit!
Sorry, I couldn't listen to any more of that.
God, this would be so much more satisfying if that lake wasn't there.
Connie, Steve, go round up every sick, gullible, emotionally needy, dumbass, lonely loser with a bank account. Denzel, Ethel, take Malloy up the mountain to snowboard. Stat!
So, that's it? You're gonna exploit this lake?
Exploit the lake and help the sick and disabled. Imagine what they'll do with a new lease on life.
Oh no! My leftover Chinese food! It's gone!
[has Chinese food] Steve, if I'd have known, I never would have-
And look at that. Someone drew a mustache on my ranger of the month picture! Don't you people understand!? There's only one explanation! It's the ghost!
Yeah, uh, a ghost at your Chinese food. [hides the Chinese food]
[holds a marker] And drew a mustache on your picture.
Connie
And uh, got drunk and took a shit on your toothbrush ... Uh, I mean uh, what ghost?
Pre-school field trip, and not a single fatality? Oh, how refreshing. Just doing my job. Head Ranger Ethel, over and out. [sighs] Good job, Ethel. Oh, thank you, Ethel.
Connie, I need your help. Woody's girlfriend is bat-shit crazy.
Connie
She seemed nice to me. Maybe you're just jealous.
Yeah, and maybe you're just...ugh, I don't even have the energy to insult you. Just step on a scale.
Hey! Where's all the Danish? It's Bear Claw Wednesday!
Now, it's fresh fruit Wednesday.
[he tries to eat a blueberry and he spits] This doesn't taste anything like a doughnut! I hate it! [he pushes some fruit all over the floor]
Hey! I didn't get to eat yet! Uh, but it's okay. My motto is "efficiency through positivity". By working together, we can achieve greatness.
[phone ringing]
Sorry, probably really important. Brickleberry National Park. Head Ranger Ethel speaking. The park expense reports are late? We have those? I'll get right on that. [phone beeps] Sorry, can you hold? Hello, Head Ranger Eth...What do you mean the lake's on fire? [phone ringing] Oh my god, hold on.
[On a phone] Ethel, I can't come to work today, I'm sick.
Denzel, I need you here. Hey, are you on your jetpack?
[phone ringing]
[On a phone] Hey, look, it's a flying black guy!
Calm down. A badger ate your baby's face? [beeping and ringing] Hold on. My emergency scanner's going off! This is Ethel, what's your emergency!?
[On a phone] Ethel, it's Steve. Did you know that Connie is afraid of raw fish?
[Connie screaming as she running around from Steve is holding a raw fish while he's chasing at her around and she's jumps to breaking out the window]
AAnnouncer
Competing for team Brickleberry, the Swiss Fist...Magnus Blickensderfer!
[crowd cheering; applause]
AAnnouncer
And for team Yellowstone, the ranger of danger, Steve Williams!
[crowd groans; in disgusted]
Connie
[gasped] Steve, what did you do to yourself!?
I took a shit-ton of steroids, like you told me to.
Connie
I never told you to do that.
You implied it. And now look at the Steve, he's ripped!
Connie
Did you work out at all?
You have to work out? What the hell good are steroids then?
[imitating Connie] "Look at me, I'm Connie, I'm Driving. Oops! I hit something. Dum dee dum dum dum dum....BANG! Shot Malloy's parents, I'm so stupid."
Connie
Oh no! It was me. I killed Malloy's parents. I need to confess to him right now!
But those animals might kill you.
Connie
It's what I deserve! Unless there's some other piece of information that could clear my name or save my life.
Hmmm, not that I'm aware of...
[Connie screams as she runs off, offscreen, door closed]
Connie
This is my beautiful baby. His name is Donnie.
Connie
Thanks. I got it out of a book. I didn't have time to go through the other book.
"Bacardi", "Listerine", "Arugula".
Oh, there's my shopping list. [laughs] Now, Connie. I'm sorry about this, but federal guidelines dictate that I don't have to let you breastfeed at work unless you got a real sweet set of milkies.
Connie
What's wrong with my boobs?
Besides the fact, that you also have a back set.
[screams in horrified] Antichrist! Antichrist!
This is going too far, Denzel!
That baby's evil! I'll prove it!
Through science. [cocks gun] If I shoot it in the face and it lives, It's the devil.
Okay, okay, shoot it if it will shut you up.
Connie
NO! [to Denzel] I thought you were my friend, Denzel! How could you say those horrible things about my baby!? [screaming as she running]
It's just a baby, Denzel.
This is got to stop! you really upset Connie.
Next time, don't hesitate. Aim for the fontanelle.
All right! Enough with the black baby names. I guess I should apologize to Connie and Donnie.
DDonnie
[snarls] This is it? You four think you can stop me?
Don't listen to him! He'll use his lies to try to make us turn on each other.
DDonnie
The preacher said you're a pussy.
What? [he punches Vernon]
VVernon
What's wrong with you?
Like that. That's a good example of what we shouldn't let him to.
[Donnie laughs evilly]
Oh, laugh now, antichrist. Because surprise! We've assembled an Exorcism dream team! Father Quinn!
FQFather Quinn
I'm going to need to be alone with the child. You don't have to nanny cam, right?
RMRabbi Maltzman
No, no, you stay in there, demon. As long as you're comfortable. I schlepped all the way here from Brooklyn. Eh, but don't worry about me.
And Witch Doctor Kuzniak!
Lucky for us, I went to medical school in Haiti.
And Jorge! Who's seen the Exorcist seven 1/2 times and let us use his car.
I'm not with them! I'm on your side!
Come on, let me sell you my soul. I'll sign whatever contract Ben Affleck a signed. WHATEVER!
DDonnie
I was up for a challenge. This is going to be far too easy.
FQFather Quinn
The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!
[Father Quinn dies in explosion caused Donnie's satanic powers]
DDonnie
So, who wants to choose how I will kill the rest of you?
DDonnie
You got it. By rabid hell hounds. And here we...[wailing]
Connie
I'm going to write Kate Upton a not-so-nice Yelp review. Ethel? What the hell's going on here?
We're doing an exorcism on your crazy-ass devil baby!
And we almost got blowjobs, until you showed up!
VVernon
Connie, we've got to trust the Lord. Just like it say in the Bible. If the exorcism don't go so bueno, throw that goddamn baby in a volcano. Ha!
Connie
What? NO!
Sorry, Connie, but it's the only way to stop the apocalypse.
You lucky we got a volcano right here. Most people with devil babies gotta pay for a plane ticket to Hawaii.
Connie
[to everybody] Screw you guys! Come on, Donnie. I'll protect you. I promise! [she runs off]
Get her! That baby owes us blowjobs! [he runs off]
SSecretary
Let's talk about something important. Put that coffee down! Do you really think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a ranger you son of a bitch?
Connie
I peed.
SSecretary
You are the sorriest excuse the rangers I've ever seen, and I've been in this business for 15 years.
SSecretary
Fuck you. That's my name.
SSecretary
Brickleberry is the worst park in the country. Fucking-auschwitz would get a better yelp review. I'm here to turn this dump around, and I'm not leaving until I do. there are going to be changes. Number 1: Drug tests.
It's been a pleasure working here. I'm gonna miss all of you. Bye-bye [he leaves]
SSecretary
That bring us to Woody Johnson. You couldn't manage a blow job in a dick factory.
Dick Factory? Is that where they make dicks, or is it a factory made out of dicks?
SSecretary
Shut up, you idiot! I should fire your fat ass.
No! Please give me another chance I know this park sucks, But I'll have a plan to fix everything first thing in the morning.
SSecretary
All right, Johnson, but it better be good or there'll be hell to pay. [she leaves, door open]
[door close]
Brickleberry · 109 quotes
