Alan Matthews quotes from Boy Meets World

Cory

Dad, I need a job.

Alan

You need to be a kid.

Cory

I wanna be able to afford stuff!

Alan

So do I!

Alan

What's he want this time?

Amy

A $50 squirt gun!

Alan

A $50 squirt gun?! No, really what's he want?

Cory

Dad, we're not talking an ordinary squirt gun: We're talking the Hydro-Sat 3000-Z. It's the big boy on the block.

Alan

That's nice, Cor. Pretty steep, though. Maybe for Christmas.

Cory

Hey, great, a water gun in December! I'll be the little boy spreading pneumonia!

Amy

There weren't any Cinderella costumes?

Eric

Hundreds of them.

Amy

And you had to pick axe-in-the-head here?

Eric

It was the last one, Mom. She picked it out herself, it was her decision.

Alan

Eric, 24 hours ago she didn't have any idea what a zombie was.

The undead are cool!

Cory

Just last night your son was imprisoned in his room, forbidden to go to the movies with his best friends.

Alan

Our daughter didn't dial random numbers in Saskatchewan just to hear people "talk Canadian".

Alan

You know, Cor, when I was a kid, Christmas was about appreciating your gifts because they were given with love.

Cory

Oh, right. Glad that's over.

Cory

Hey, Mom, this cereal is bogus. Where's my blue sugar moons? Where're my yellow teddy bears? All this is, is hamster food and cornflake dust. Where's all the good stuff?

Amy

Morgan.

Cory

She took out all the good stuff.

I've been up since 6 o' clock!

Amy

What is this? Sugar-coated... sugar?

I'm feeling very perky!

Amy

Come on, Morgan, let's get you into bed.

How come? How come? How come how come how come?

Amy

Because if we hurry we might just make it before the coma.

Coma? Coma? Coma coma coma?

Alan

Don't waste this, honey, have her paint the house.

Alan

Where are Eric and Cory?

Shawn

They... went to the library.

Alan

You mean the public library, the one that closes at nine?

Shawn

Oh no, the other one.

Alan

I'm gonna take Morgan upstairs, and then you and I are gonna talk a little more.

Shawn

Like a relationship-building thing?

Alan

No. [goes upstairs]

Shawn

Wow. For the first time in my life, I'm in trouble with someone else's dad!

Cory

See, I've been doing my homework.

Amy

You've done homework?

Cory

It's a metaphor. So how do I avoid years of humiliation and abuse?

Alan

Don't get married. [Amy smacks him] It's a metaphor!

Alan

[smelling Cory's cologne as he comes down the stairs behind him] What's that smell?... Oh, my God, I'm rotting!

Cory

Relax, Dad, it's just my Rampaging Stallion. What do you think?

Alan

[waving a magazine] I think if the party doesn't have adequate ventilation, you're all gonna die!

Alan

Why is my son so godlike and popular?

Shawn

Because people have finally begun to realize how well brought up he is?

Alan

That the best you can do?

Shawn

Yeah, well, my mom smoked when she was pregnant.

Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Matthews, thank you oh so very much for having me for dinner in your lovely home.

Alan

Oh, well thank you for the lobsters!

You're welcome, I'm sure. [to Cory] How's the new me coming across, fuzzy?

Cory

You're doing great!

Eric

Uh-oh! This guy's missing a claw.

That is it! I told them these were important people! This is a very big dinner for me! What do they do? They send me damaged goods!

Mr. Matthews, Mrs. Matthews, thank you oh so very much for having me for dinner in your lovely home.

Eric

Look at me Im alone [Looking down]

Alan

[Looking at his test results] And you will be until your grades come up, Now until I see some letters here closer to the front of the alphabet... youre not going to any more dates.

Eric

[Looking sad] Mom, Mommy

Amy

Aww, Alan how can you be so cruel to my sweet little baby.

Alan

Well it was your idea. Eric you cant rely on your looks to get you through life.

Eric

But all I want to be is a weatherman

Amy

She's just a little girl playing house.

Alan

Amy, sweetheart, she's a little blond loon!

Hey guys, where ya been?

Eric

Hey, I can get a haircut, as many as I want!

Eric

So I said to myself, "Kyle - "

Alan

Kyle?

Eric

That's what I call myself.