Alan Matthews quotes from Boy Meets World

Cory

You know you guys never sent me to camp.

Alan

Are you insane?

Amy

We tried to send you to camp when you were eight, but we had to come and take you home.

Alan

Everyday you sent us letters telling us they were conducting medical experiments on you.

Cory

And they were!

Feeny

Might I suggest, for the sake of communal bliss, that you outfit yourselves with one of those two-person sleeping bags that are currently on sale at Kendall's?

Alan

George, you rascal!

Feeny

I go camping...I don't fish...You do the math.

Alan

Hey, son! How was your day?

Cory

Fine.

Alan

What'd you do in school?

Cory

Nothing.

Alan

Hey, hold on! Wait there! You know, every day I ask you, "What did you do?" and every day you tell me "Nothing." Well, I'm tired of nothing. I mean, we both know something happened in school today and I want to know what it is!

Cory

I decided to be a girl.

Alan

Well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, son.

Eric

Y'know something, Cor? He's absolutely right. I mean, I had this same problem when I broke up with Francesca. There's a lot of pain, there's a lot of heartache. But eventually time stepped in. And I got over my devastating loss.

Alan

Who's Francesca?

Eric

[whispering loudly] There is no Francesca, I'm just trying to help.

Alan

[whispering loudly] Nobody wants that.

Amy

I had relationships with four other men before I met your father.

Alan

I know three...

Eric

Oh, there's Kelly. Better get going.

Amy

Whoa, wait a minute. You guys have been going out for a while and we still haven't met her. You should invite her to come in.

Eric

Uh, you know, Mom, we're really in a hurry.

Amy

[calling out the door] Kelly, hon, come on in.

Eric

You know something? We're really in a rush.

Alan

What's the matter? Afraid I'll say something to embarrass you?

[enters] Hi, I'm Kelly.

Alan

[looking her over] Atta boy!

Alan

You took a job as a security guard?

Amy

Why would you possibly want to do that?

Eric

Oh, only for about ten reasons. One, walkie-talkies. Two, partner. Three, dog. Four, partner. Sometimes we switch partners. Five -- do you want me to keep going? Six, I pack heat!

Amy

You carry a gun?

Eric

Nope. A heater. Gets cold out there in the shed.

Alan

[to Mr.Mac] Look, you're not dealing with gullible little kids here now, buddy.Now you brought Shawn, thanks.Now why don't you just take a hike back to con-land.

Now do you see how judgmental these people are---

Alan

No, no, listen! [Shoves Mr.Mac into the wall] You see a judgment I made along time ago is that Shawn Hunter is the best friend my kid ever had.And I will kill to protect Shawn Hunter from people like you.

Eric

Everybody's doing their part in this war. I want to help. I'm going back to that recruitment office and tell them that a little case of flat feet isn't gonna stop Eric Matthews from fighting those evil Canadians.

Alan

I have a feeling it's not the flat feet.

Alan

The real tragedy tonight is that William Shakespeare couldn't be here to see how good you are!

Eric

Oh, he'll come tomorrow. I mean, we're here all week.

Alan

Unbelievable.

Alan

We're having a baby!

Eric

I'm going to be an uncle?

Alan

My father spent 40 years with a broom in his hand. I wish he could see all that I have now. Why are you afraid of being average?

Cory

I-I-I'm not ashamed.

Alan

Touch it. Touch it. Get some dirt on your hands. Try to see what average looked like from here. To me, average was a dream. That's why my father worked his butt off, so maybe his son could have something more. And I learned from him, Cory. And I respected him because he did the best that he could. And I was proud of him. And he would have been proud of me, too. I don't know. Maybe if my son thinks average is nothing, then I've done my job. But I'm sorry that you're not proud. Of him, me and of yourself.

Alan

Morgan, there is always going to be someone better than you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Ask Alexandra. What did she do when there were better painters than her?

(to Amy) I'm not supposed to lie. What do I do?

Amy

This better be good.

Alan

I don't even want to hear about it. They were incredibly rude, and I'm going to punish them right now.

Cory

You can't punish us, we're in college.

Alan

Oh, yeah? How about I hit you so hard you're back in high school?

Amy

[to Cory] The doctor thought it'd be a good idea if you went in to say hi to your brother, too.

Cory

Yeah, sure. But, uh... [to Shawn and Topanga] I'd like you guys to come. [Shawn nods, the three start toward the NICU. A nurse stops Shawn]

Oh, I'm sorry, family only.

Alan

[pats Shawn's shoulder] Uh, he is family.