Lance Sweets quotes from Bones

Sweets

Dr. Saroyan, I'm having some serious problems with Daisy. Can I ask your advice?

No.

Sweets

No, really.

Really. I have a sixteen year old, and believe me, when it comes to dating advice, I am batting a red hot zero.

Sweets

But you've been through this like a million times yourself!

Did you just call me old?

Sweets

[shows Booth the menu] Hey, today's special: chicken. Ironic.

Booth

Right... [discreetly aside to Brennan, shields his face with menu] Everything ok there Bones? I know when something's wrong with you. And something's wrong. What can I do to help?

Brennan

Angela and I had a fight.

Booth

[puts menu down] Nothing I can do to help!

Brennan

You want to hear about it?

Booth

No!

Sweets

Why not?

Booth

Why? Because her and Angela are best friends and Bones is gonna want me to take her side and agree that Angela was wrong. And then, you know, the two of them are gonna make up and then they're gonna be mad at me. So, no thank you!

Sweets

It's very interesting.

Booth

[to Sweets] You know, the way you say "very interesting" is very irritating. Listen, Bones, I'd do anything for you. I'd die for you, I'd kill for you, but I am not getting in the middle of two best friends.

Booth

[grabs her hand] Woah, woah, listen, Bones. Everything is gonna be ok between you and Angela. All right? You two are like sisters.

Brennan

[sadly] I'm just not used to not getting along with people.

Sweets

Seriously? 'Cause it seems like–– [groans as Booth cuts him off by kicking him extremely hard under the table]

Brennan

Thanks, Booth.

Brennan

Angela'll come around.

Sweets

You're certain that she will.

Brennan

Eventually, Angela will see the rational nature of my argument.

Sweets

She will come around.

Brennan

I already said that.

Sweets

[smiles] Hey, crazy thought. What if this time you were the one who came around?

Brennan

Saving one pig isn't a rational act. Are you suggesting that I point that out to Angela more clearly? Because that would make this conversation very much like a professional consultation.

Sweets

No, I'm suggesting, in a very friendly conversational way, that you help her save that one pig.

Brennan

But we agreed that that's a meaningless act.

Sweets

Meaningless by your definition, not by Angela's.

Brennan

My definition is correct.

Sweets

Yes, and if life were simply a debate, you would win hands down. But we know it isn't a debate. It's something much tougher. You know, our very work shows us that... that those people that call the world an abattoir, a slaughterhouse, they have a point. Now, you handle that knowledge by imposing this gossamer web of rationality over the ugliness. Angela has a very different way of handling it. Sometimes you don't save the world, Dr. Brennan. Sometimes you just make your friend happy.

Brennan

Even when it's irrational? [Sweets nods]

Sweets

There have been a few changes in Booth.

Wyatt

Since the brain tumor?

Sweets

Yeah, is that why he came to you? He doesn't trust me? Oh, right. How could I forget about cook/client privilege.

Wyatt

Chef/client privilege!

Sweets

Has he also told you about how now when he climbs stairs he leads with his right foot rather than his left? He holds his phone to a different ear. Coffee in his left hand.

Wyatt

How wretchedly observant of you.

Sweets

Not me: Dr. Brennan.

Wyatt

I don't think Booth has brain damage.

Sweets

What's his problem?

Wyatt

May I ask why you didn't publish your book on Booth and Brennan?

Sweets

Is there a connection between my book and Booth's marksmanship?

Wyatt

I believe you didn't publish it because you're afraid of how Brennan and Booth would react to its conclusion.

Sweets

My book concludes that Brennan and Booth are in love with each other.

Wyatt

It's a scrummy conundrum, isn't it?

Sweets

I believe as a reaction to the childhood traumas of abuse and abandonment, Dr. Brennan utilizes her intellect to armor herself from intense levels of emotion, like love.

Wyatt

And Booth?

Sweets

Well, subconsciously he's sensitive to her vulnerability. He knows that acting upon his feelings for her would amount to a kind of assault.

Wyatt

I couldn't agree with you more.

You two think I killed Bryce, tossed him into a sink hole so I could take over the franchise?

Wyatt

Well, I was there when Agent Booth identified himself as FBI and you ran.

Sweets

Running away from the FBI is always suspicious.

[slams his hands on the table] I'm Canadian. My work visa expired a week ago. I thought you were gonna ship me back to Sudbury. Have you ever been to Sudbury? [Wyatt and Sweets shake their heads] You would've ran too.

Angela

What's with the blue people?

The Na'vi.

Angela

I beg your pardon?

Fisher

Denizens of a lush planet called Pandora.

Angela

[walks in front of the monitor] You boys are not allowed to watch movies on my monitor.

Hodgins

Angela, this is so much more than a movie.

Sweets

Yeah, I mean we're sorry but the screen is so big!

Fisher

You got porn on this thing?

Angela

[unimpressed] Get out. Out!

Clear out, Sweets. We have to identify our Christmas in December bomber.

Daisy

Bye, Lancelot! Colon, end bracket, colon, capital D!

Sweets

Semi-colon, end parenthesis, less than sign, numeral 3!!

Daisy

Colon, capital P!

Oh, dear God. I'm going to yak.

Sweets

Dr. Hodgins, I'm kind of in the middle of --

Hodgins

You were right, Sweets. Everything is not fine. It's not fine at all!

Sweets

This is a good time.

Hodgins

I don't know if I want to crawl into a hole and die or run over Wendell and Angela with a truck.

Sweets

You know, it's natural to have these feelings.

Hodgins

I'm a better man than this! I want to be happy for them, I really do.

Sweets

It's easier for us to accept loneliness as long as the person we were once with is also alone.

Hodgins

Then when she finds happiness with someone else, oh man, it's like being stabbed in the heart.

Booth

So Mr. Breekman, you were abducted by aliens five years ago?

Yes.

Booth

If aliens are so advanced why would they need probes?

I think they like it.

Booth

[subtly mocking] Why would you hook up with aliens if they like to anally probe you?

There are two races of aliens and they do not see eye to eye.

Booth

[looks at Marvin] Right.

Booth

[looks at him, unconvinced] I don't believe you. I think you're lying.

Sweets

[via earpiece] Sometimes I think you just pull me into these interrogations to show off. Wait Booth, I–– [Booth ignores Sweets and shuts his laptop]

You two don't understand. Booth is a very patriotic man. He really believes this is the greatest country ever.

Brennan

Being the best doesn't mean being perfect.

Sweets

It's naive to think that a country the size and influence doesn't pursue secret agendas.

Kennedy's assassination wasn't a secret agenda, it was a black stain. A dark moment in history. Do you know how many people Booth has shot for his country?

Brennan

Approximately fifty.

Sweets

Wow. That's a lot of blood to have on your hands. It's the kind of thing that would keep a person awake at night.

And Booth did that because he trusted that it was right, and who did he trust?

Sweets

The government.

Brennan

Oh.

If they lied about the murder of a president, they can lie about anything.

[corners Booth] What've you got, feeb?

Booth

[handcuffing the agent] Good old American classic on that one, pal.

Angela

[laughs and applauds] Oh my god!

Hodgins

Man, you Butch Cassidy'd them!

Sweets

[cheers] That was totally ninja! Maybe some anger issues there but you kicked ass!

[via megaphone] Stand down and drop your weapons! This facility is officially under the jurisdiction of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. [Booth looks at him incredulously] Aw man. Ten seconds earlier and I would've been the hero right?

Booth

[notices Sweets looking distracted] Sweets?

Sweets

[snaps out of it] Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Booth

You sure you're ready to come back to work?

Sweets

Yeah, I'm fine.

Booth

That guy in the subway, one way to look at it is, um, that he died happy.

Sweets

[looks at Booth curiously] What?

Booth

You think about. Guy gets this great news. What does he do? He shares it with a stranger.

Sweets

You're gonna think I'm stupid for saying this but the whole thing, it felt like a message.

Booth

Right, a message. I believe in messages.

Sweets

Yeah, it was like a message. "Go ye forth and live life to the fullest". Something like that.

Booth

[smiles] Live life to its fullest. Maybe we should do that more often. Moment to moment, day to day.

Sweets

What mistake?

Booth

Hint: it's not what you think.

Sweets

You disagree with my conclusion that the two of you are in love, and the sublimating energies of that connection are responsible for the energy, vigor, and rigor that you bring to your homicide investigations.

Booth

I just told you it's not what you think and you immediately say what you think.

Brennan

That's your interpretation. We recognize your right to interpret.

Sweets

You do?

Brennan

That's your right as a psychologist to get everything wrong.

Sweets

Now, this first victim, Sarah Tidwiller, was a member of the class of '94?

Booth

And the second victim was killed just before the reunion of the same class, so it doesn't sound like a coincidence to me. The cops here agreed to keep everything quiet until we ID the victim and catalogue the evidence.

Sweets

And this, uh, Ray Buxley, was a prime suspect in '94?

Booth

Yeah, he was the High School Custodian, but they didn't have enough to hold him.

Sweets

[reading file] Lives alone, low-status job, obsession with gruesome crime stories, surrounded by teenage girls - Very creepy. It's like, Freddy creepy....