Seeley Booth quotes from Bones

Brennan

Anthropologically, 83% of societies are polygamist.

Booth

Now you sound French. Being faithful is what separates us from the chimps.

Brennan

Actually, it's a gene called HAR1F.

Booth

Parker had a nightmare.

Brennan

About severed fingers?

Booth

No, it was a singing frog.

Brennan

I don't see the connection. But then I'm one of those people that thinks when you dream about a banana, it's probably just a banana.

Booth

Okay, yeah, I get it. You saw a whole lady's corpse when you were a little girl and you were fine.

Brennan

Yes. Although, for some reason that I do not understand, I kept staging my own death. Pretending that I drowned in the bathtub, faking electrical shock. It really freaked my parents out. And once, when Russ found me hanging, he had to go see the school psychologist.

Booth

[mildly sarcastic] But otherwise you were fine.

Brennan

[earnestly] Yeah.

Parker

[to Booth, when introduced to Dr. Sweets] His face doesn't look like a baby's behind!

[puts his hands over Parker's ears] Look, okay, he's having nightmares, he's not eating, he doesn't wanna go to school and suddenly he's afraid of meteors!

Sweets

Giant flaming rocks from outer space. Who wouldn't be afraid?

Booth

Uh, the dog should be, you know, in the cage. He killed Seth Elliot.

Brennan

Well, it's not his fault! He's actually a very nice dog, [cooing to Ripley] aren't you? [to Booth] He reminds me of you.

Booth

Me?

Brennan

He's got warm and reassuring brown eyes, and he's capable of great violence.

Booth

Okay, great. Thanks a million.

Brennan

On behalf of humankind and the universe, I'd like to apologize for what happened to Ripley. He was born a cute little puppy, and then the people who adopted him wanted to kill him because they were too stupid to realize that he would grow into a big dog.

Booth

That's good.

Brennan

Ripley was a good dog. He didn't want to fight, but he did it to please his master. And he didn't want to attack a human being, but he did it -- to please his master. [holding back tears] You know, it wasn't Ripley's fault his master was cruel and selfish. Like all dogs, Ripley only saw the good in people. Dogs are like that. People should take a lesson.

Sweets

These action figurines, they're awesome.

Booth

Still living at home there, huh, Sweets?

Sweets

No, I have my own place, and before that I lived with a woman. All right?

Brennan

Was that woman your mother?

Booth

Sweets, what are you doing?

Sweets

I'm putting myself in the mind of an obsessive-compulsive in order to figure out where I might conceal a memory-enhancing, psychosexual proxy.

Booth

Right, right. What's that mean?

Brennan

Masturbatory aid.

Booth

Oh. Check the shoes.

Sweets

Good.

Brennan

What? He's not going to find it in the shoes. (Sweets holds up a photgraph) Do all boys keep their masturbatory aids in their shoes, or is that particular to you?

Booth

That's for me to know and you to find out.

The publishing game's changed. You know what I mean, Dr. Brennan.

Brennan

No, I do not.

Booth

Try me, Mr. Tushman.

Book writing is no longer about good writing per se. It's about marketability. A book of the author. There's a reason why your photo takes up the entire back cover of your books.

Brennan

Because I'm a very good writer.

You're serviceable, but your success is contingent upon your image as a hot scientist chick.

Brennan

That's not true, is it?

Booth

Of course not! Don't call my partner a chick! What's the matter with you?

Hodgins

I just wish Zack was here, that's all.

Booth

You gotta get over it. Zack's not coming back!

Zack

I know where to find the victim's head.

This is not good.

Brennan

How did you get out?

Zack

You don't look happy to see me.

Booth

Oh, we're not!

Brennan

I am. I really am. (runs to hug Zack, others follow except for Booth)

Booth

What are you doing?

Brennan

I'm throwing out my book.

Booth

It's still on your hard drive, right?

Brennan

No, not any more it's not.

Booth

You erased it? Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop!

Brennan

I don't want to be a writer any more.

Booth

Oh, why? Because of what that publisher said? He was an idiot. Did you see his glasses?

Brennan

Well, I don't want to be a sexy scientist.

Booth

Well, that's like me saying I don't want to be a sexy FBI agent. We can't change who we are.

Brennan

Do you consider yourself to be one of my "brighter grad students," Mr. Nigel-Murray?

Vincent

Yes, and so do you, Dr. Brennan.

Booth

I am not calling this kid Mr. Nigel... anything.

Vincent

Vincent. Or Vince, or Vinny, Vin... Vincenzo. Actually, uh, I had this girlfriend, once, who used to call me "Vino Delectable" because of how my -- uh, you don't... need to know that.

Booth

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What goes first?

Brennan

Gun goes first.

Booth

That's right.

Brennan

What if you get shot?

Booth

Don't say things like that, all right? You're going to jinx me.

Brennan

Well, if you're relying on superstition for safety, perhaps I should carry the gun.

Hodgins

I am shocked.

Brennan

Yeah. They should not be doing that on the forensic platform.

That's a method of termination I've never tried. Bravo, Dr. Sweets.

Booth

They'll never work. They're, like, complete opposites.

Brennan

I agree. For all her faults, she's a woman of science. Sweets bases his life on the vagaries of psychology and emotion. There's no common ground.

Booth

Right.

Brennan

You need common ground. What else is there?

Booth

Absolutely.

Booth

What's going on?

Hodgins

Sweets is firing Daisy for us.

We're wondering what his method will be.

Brennan

He'll explain to her logically that this environment is not conducive for either her or us and as a scientist, she'll realize that he's right.

Booth

[shakes head] No, Sweets is a lot sneakier than that. He'll use some kind of psychological Jedi mind trick to make her think it was her idea to quit.